Sleeping with a lie

(18)

Dr. Kleen and Dr. Linn discussed Belle's surgery with us. Waiting for a week, a week to pass by- anticipation still kills me.

"Oxygen," I can hear them say. "Stay with me, c'mon."

High hopes.

Theo's arm locked me with his body. His chest moved with mine as he took deep breaths. I focus on the plant in the corner If the room.

"She's going to be alright," Theo whispers.

"How did you-"

"You don't sleep when you're nervous. I can tell. Belle is in safe hands."

I hesitate to say something, turning to his face, I stare him in the eyes.

"I'm not okay..." I cry. "I'm not okay!!"

"Shh.." he hugs me, his chin on the top of my head. "Cry it out."

12:00 am

Red wine settled into my throat finally. My favorite.

"You shouldn't be drinking." Theo pours the wine in a glass for himself. "Not without me."

"Dr. Kleen called me," I say. "Belle has the surgery tommorow at 8."

"And you want to be there when she wakes up. I get it. A motherly instinct is hard to compete with."

I take a long slip from my wine glass.

"Ansel is thinking about going into some stupid custody battle," I shrugged. "He can not win Belle over."

Theo nods, massaging his goatee. "Right. What's the surgery going to be over?"

"Her brain. He's trying to scope the tumor out. Just to get the nest of what it clearly looks like. But I guess they can't do a x-ray."

"You would hope that they did do a x-Ray before going into surgery." Theo says dangling his wine glass as he spoke.

"Good night," I lay my head down on the tabletop. "Don't ask me anything."

______________

In the shower, hot water drenched my hair. Shampoo streamed in my eyes. Ouch.
A shadow appears on the other side of the shower curtain. Hopefully not Theo.

"Don't worry, I'm just getting some deodorant."

I sigh in relief.

"Unless-"

"No, Theo. What time is it?"

"8:00am."

The door closes, shutting the cold air in.

Thirty more minutes until her surgery.

Thirty more minutes until I see Belles face.

And Thirty more minutes until I say my last see you later, love you.

________

At the Children's hospital - during surgery

I cross my legs holding hands with Theo. Looking down at the tiled floor, scrubs from doctors who just came out of surgery pass me by a dozen of times.

"What are you thinking about?" Theo asked.

"My mind is blank."

Uncontrollably, I squeeze Theos hand, Like I was about to fall.

"Shai, breathe."

"How can I breathe when my daughter-" I was interrupted by Dr. Kleen and Dr. Linn.
"Shailene? Theo?" Dr. Kleen's eyes were bloodshot red. Dr. Linn on the other hand kept focusing on my worried expression.