My Ex-Boyfriend Is My Professor (New Version)

CHAPTER 36

TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL HARASSMENT & ABUSE

"P-Please.. d-don't.. p-please.."

Binuksan ko ang aking mga mata at bumungad ang madilim na kisame ng kwarto, before I sat up on the bed, looking around at one corner of the room before standing up and opening the window.

The bright, round moon dawned on me, and the stars were shining deliberately in the dark sky. As I watched, tears fell from my eyes, and I hugged myself as I remembered the bad things that had happened in my life.

"T-Tama.. na p-po.. p-please.. ayoko n-na po.. m-masakit.."

Nakatakip ang aking bibig upang pigilin ang aking hikbi, ngunit patuloy parin ang pag-agos ng aking mga luha. I covered my face with both hands, unable to breathe properly due to the tightness in my chest, tears that wouldn't stop, and my sobbing that kept me from making a loud noise.

The night was cold, the room dark, the people asleep, and the memories I tried to erase were etched in my mind.

It was an event in my life that I couldn't forget because it was engraved in my mind, and I couldn't seem to make it disappear.

"T-Tama na!.. m-maawa ka.. t-tama na.. t-tulong!.."

Napapikit ako habang habol ang aking hininga dahil sa pagod na, dahil ayaw ko na, dahil hindi ko na kaya, wala na akong ideya kung saan ako huhugot ng lakas. Nakakatakot ipaalam sa iba ang nangyari dahil baka walang maniwala, baka pagtawanan lang ako, at baka mas masasaktan ako kapag inaalala ko pa.

I laughed sarcastically.

Lately, I had become so disappointed in myself, in my own choices, in my bad decisions, and even questioned my own capacity. I felt like I was on the verge of becoming psychologically and emotionally unhealthy. I was already aware of my situation.

I felt like I was rushing around, as if I were running on fumes. I was in a hurry because I felt like I was running out of time.

"A-Ayaw k-ko.. ah!.. m-maawa ka p-po.. t-tama na.."

Napakagat ako sa aking pangibabang labi, hindi iniinda ang sakit habang pinipigilan kong humikbi ng malakas. Naramdaman ko ang aking kamay na may hawak sa gitnang bahagi ng aking katawan, bago ako mas lalong naiiyak ng mapagtanto kong gaano ako kasira-sira bilang tao.

Slowly, I was losing focus and overthinking everything and everyone around me. Maybe it was because I was filled with fear. I was terrified to foresee the future within the next 24 hours or even during any moment.

I was tired of this cycle.

"M-Maawa ka na.. t-tama na.. d-demonyo ka! T-Tama na.. m-masakit.."

Suddenly, I was frightened by the silence.

I was afraid to be alone.

I was scared of being left thinking and worrying. Reflecting, weighing everything. I didn't want to interact, but suddenly I craved a hug, suddenly I wanted someone to talk to, suddenly I just wanted to cry.

I wanted to hide, but I also wanted someone to see me. I wanted to whisper, but I also wanted someone to hear me. I was loud, but tonight I felt like the weakest I had ever been.

Suddenly, I became scared of myself. Hindi ko na alam kung sino ang kalaban ko, ang sistema ba o ang isip ko? Lagi kong sinasabi na kaya ko ang sarili ko.

But now, this battle left me uncertain.

"G-Gusto ko lang n-naman maging m-malaya.." I pressed my hand over my mouth as my sobs grew louder. ".. m-masama bang m-maging malaya at maging m-masaya?"