Heal me // A Jikook Trilogy //

《8》Praying for Angels

I tilted up my head to the sky, feeling the pattering, cold rain on my face, sliding down and under my clothes, but I didn't care.
I was already soaked.
Already jittering with cold, my fingers and toes numb.

I hoped it would spread- that numbness- and take it all away.
Especially the memories of last night.

When I'd been younger, still living at the orphanage, I had stood outside like this often, searching the sky for a sign of God or Angels so they would come down and help me.
I'd prayed and prayed.
No one had ever come.
No one had answered.

I hadn't prayed since I left the place.
I knew no one was up there- no one would hear or care.
No one would answer but the biting cold of the raindrops landing on my skin.

I closed my eyes as the water reached my eyes but the moment I did and the darkness surrounded me, the pictures flashed before my closed eyes.

Sitting, waiting in a dark room.
The sound of keys jingling.
A boy stepping in, concentrated on his phone as he entered, a smile on his face while he typed something.
Him turning on the light and closing the door.
My racing, pounding heart as I jerked forward from the shadows and turned it off again.
His surprised yelp.

And then making my body act against what my heart was telling me.
That it was wrong.
That DK didn't deserve it.
And yet I had not hesitated, not pulled my punches.
Even when he begged me- that smiley, goofy boy who'd made me laugh the last time we'd met. Even when he lay on the floor of his own apartment, his face a mess of blood, bruises, a split lip and a broken nose, holding his chest from where I had broken a rib or two, gasping for air while he whimpered.

From the first punch on, my mind had simply gone blank.
There was only this rage in me- that monster waking from it's deep, deep cave, remembering only how it had felt to get hit myself.
How I had taken every punch, every insult, every humiliation and pain without ever fighting back and it now sought revenge.
It didn't matter who the person was.

But even when someone else took over my body, I was still haunted with every detail of the memory.
DK's pleading eyes.
The way he begged me to stop.
That he was sorry.
No more smiling on the usually sunny, unburdened boy.
Only pain.
Pain I put there.

I saw it so clearly, the image burned itself into my brain like a brand I would never get rid of.
DK's body on the floor, a puddle of blood around him as he groaned and whimpered in pain, blood and bruises all over his body.

How I had stumbled away at the sight and realize I had done that.
Me.
Not Suho.
Not anyone of X-EXO.
Me.

The rain mixed with my silent tears as I did what I promised myself never to do again, for it was so stupid- so pathetic.
Hopeless.
But I had no idea what else to do.
I prayed.

Prayed silently, with my face turned up to the sky, eyes closed, that someone would help me. Would take away this pain inside me and all my weaknesses.
Would show me a way out of this lonely, painful existence.
Would finally lov-

"Jungkook?"

My eyes flew open at the soft spoken sound.
I hadn't heard the door to the rooftop open.
Hadn't anticipated for Jimin to find his way up here.
Had forgotten this place was no longer a refuge where I could be by myself.

But not now... He couldn't see me like this... not like this...

At the first sound of his shoes moving over the cobbled floor, I lowered my head, my wet hair falling into my face, hiding my features and my tears.