Heal me // A Jikook Trilogy //

《59》There is no Safe in War

"Why Namjoon? You could have told us about your past with Chen!"

Yeah, so I wasn't the only one who wanted to get some answers as we sat under the Canopy, watching Jin loose it.

We had all driven back and then grabbed some drinks, lighted cigarettes and a joint that made the rounds.

It didn't take five minutes of silence before Jin exploded in anger.

Namjoon was been quiet.
Had not said a words since coming back.

He lowered his head now, nodding like he understood our anger, speaking in a quiet voice.

"It's not exactly something I like to think about."

"And so you just decide to keep that vital information from us?"

Namjoon didn't say anything for another long while.

And then- he set his beer to his lips, raised his head and we watched as he drowned it in one go, then threw it to the ground with a snarl.

He wasn't someone who got angry easily, but that was the emotion now on his features.
Anger and regret.

"I was wrong about him, all right? Am I not allowed to make mistakes too?
I met Jongdae at one of my jobs.
He was lost, broken, suffering.
I wanted to help.
I could tell he needed to feel strong.
Needed strength to stand up to his father, so I taught him some things.
I couldn't just ignore him. He was in pain.
He was abused, hurting and I couldn't just sit back and watch it happen.
And I don't feel guilty about what he did to his father.
That man deserved what he got.
But how should I have known Jongdae would enjoy it so much?
Would get drunk on the feeling to hurt and break someone?
Would use the things I taught him to hurt others? Innocents?
How could I have foreseen that he would end up getting ensnared by Suho?
That he would follow him down the path of drug dealing and building an empire of blood and pain?
I was fucking fifteen!
I was just trying to help someone who needed saving.
I never thought something bad would come out of it.
And do you really think I haven't learned my lesson?
It hurt, okay!
I was the one who led Chen into Suho's waiting arms.
And do you all really think it's not fucking killing me what he said earlier?
Yes, I might be able to turn off my emotions, but when I let them back in, it's fucking killing me! It's eating me up from the inside and all I want to do is shut it off again.
My life would be fucking easier if I did, but I can't do it because of all of you.
Because I made Hwasa a promise.
Promised her I would use you guys as my ladder back.
Would take the pain and loss and grief and endure it so I could make up for the things I've done by being there for you.
So just cut me some fucking slack, will you?!"

We sat there, none of us knowing what to do.
How to handle this side of Namjoon.

I had known about some of the burden he bore, but I never thought he would admit it so openly. To all of us.

Jin was the first to say something.
The one who stood and moved over to Namjoon.
Who slowly knelt before him and said:
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I would just like it if there would be no more secrets between us. No more surprised like today. And you can tell us, Joonie. You know we don't judge."

Namjoon took a deep breath.
Closed his eyes and pulled himself back together.
Only then did he look back up and nodded at Jin, proceeding to clasp his shoulders.

"I'm trying. I really am."

"We know," Jin nodded, then gabbed another beer from the little fridge on the floor, opened it and handed it to Namjoon.

"Let's forget for a while. Cool down. Drink and not talk about war, all right?"
Namjoon stared at the beer for a long while, but then took it with a little smile up to the oldest.