Heal me // A Jikook Trilogy //

《88》Living On

Wohhooo, another POV change.

Honestly, Namjoon was never supposed to be this big of a main character, but I am glad he did.

And sorry for more tears...

Namjoon POV

Pain.
Loss.
Grief.

That was all I had known for what felt like a lifetime.
I was drowning in it.
There was no off switch.

This time, there was no turning my emotions off.

I had tried.
God's I tried.
It was too much.
I couldn't stand it.

I know I had promised Hwasa to keep going.
To not turn it off.
And I hadn't.
But not by choice.

Or it was subconsciously that very promise I made which suddenly rendered my ability to switch my emotions off incapable.
Instead there was pain.
So goddamn much of it.

I got lost in the deep waters that allowed no light or air or anything else but the crushing weight of knowing Hwasa was gone.
Truly gone.
I lost her.
Just like I lost my father. My brother...

I thought loosing her before had been the event I would regret the most.
How wrong I was.

Suho had aimed at her.
Had shot her, knowing she was the love of my life.
Knowing how he could hurt me the most.

He won.
In the end, he won.
Because I did not know how to forget it.

The moment her eyes glazed over.
The glow gone.
That wild, untameable, beaming light.
Just... gone.

And a part of me died with her.
I knew I would never get it back.
I left it there at the cemetary.
Lost a bit more when I smashed Suho's head in until there was little more left than mush.

Every time I closed my eyes I saw Hwasa's last smile.
Her last goodbye.
Every breath I took reminded me that she would never breath again.
Never laugh again, this world robbed of the way she made chuckling sound like the original sin itself.

Deep down, crushed beneath all the hurt and grief, I was aware of my families worry.
Of how they tried to get through to me.
To help me.
But even with the ropes they threw down to me, I could not grab it.
Too blinded by the emotions that wouldn't let go of me.
Just more struggling in a world of utter darkness.
Dragged me down deeper and deeper.

That's what every step felt like now.
Like walking in muddy waters, each move dragging you down into a prison there was no escape of.
And yet... JK's words echoed in the far reaches of my brain.

Her name.
Nam-Min.

And despite it, I didn't dare look up.
I kept my gaze on the ground.
Kept it on the neatly trimmed lawn and the even pavement of the little path leading straight into the park.

There was nothing to tune out the sounds though.
Laughter.
Bright, happy laughter all around me.
Screeches of joy.
Parents calling their children's names.

I moved through the park feeling out of place.
Feeling like the very presence of me would drain their happiness and engulf them in the same despair I was in.
As though I was some void and would darken all that was around me...

And yet my feet kept moving.
Kept bringing me closer to the bench I always sat in.
Almost every other Sunday.

I knew the path by heart.
Everything was familiar.
From the little splotch of paint on the sidewalk to the blinding orange of the trash can, right to the spotless dark wood of that bench.