Heal me // A Jikook Trilogy //

《44》The Role of Our Lifetime

Namjoon warned us.
Told us we had to have patience.
That this was going to take some time.

But fucking hell!
Three months?
For three miserable, painful and straining months we had kept it up.
Had played this role of our lifetime, bigger and more nerve wrecking than anything we had ever done.
So fucking close to our hearts.

The first two weeks had been tough enough.
But they had been but a taste of how it would be.

First there was Lian.

Although Tae had specifically asked to have her be somewhere else far away from what was going on here, none of us were jumping in joy when we heard her father had sent Lian to boarding school in England.
Freaking rainy England!

The girl who burned so bright, lived with such passion and wildness in her heart, forced to live in a rainy, cold country, far away from any person she knows.

I couldn't help but think of her tattoo then.
The majestic wings drawn on her back, yet she was not allowed to fly.
Not allowed to be herself.
Trapped, once again, in a prison of her own making this time, all to save us.

It hurt.
So damn much.
And adding to it all, the situation here was even harder.

We were forced to portray the picture of a family falling apart.
But while I still got to see my Hyungs, still got to be by Jimin's side, it had been overshadowed by the ruse we had to keep up.

We went out partying, only to pick fights with each other while people watched on.

People who worked for Suho.
Strangers.
People we called friends...

We saw their worry, NCT, Seventeen, even KARD and GOT7 helping to break up our violent fights, their eyes full of worry and shock at our behaviour.
Told us to calm down.

We never hit each other for real of course.
Never hurt us physically.
But it didn't mean it didn't hurt.

Even knowing the words were but an act...

The way Jin yelled at Yoongi that he was a heartless asshole and didn't even miss Lian.
That he should have stayed in prison and never be released.
The way Yoongi's face turned red in absolute rage, tackling the oldest to the floor while we tried to rip them apart.

And the next time, it had been Jimin and Tae we had to hold back after the smaller had hissed the cruelest words, Tae giving back in turn until they had attacked one another.

It happened in all constellations.

Me and Tae, me and Jin.
Jin and Hoseok, Hoseok against Tae and on and on it went.

And though we kept apologizing to each other when we were home and assured we were alone, it stung.
All those words, all of us pretending to hate and loath one another for how we dealt with our grief...
And then seeing Hoseok swallow pills in a dark corner- even knowing it was little more than vitamins.

It took a toll on us.
Took a toll on Hoseok himself as he was forced to act like the worst version of himself, being reminded of his time before us, swaying and lulling on parties, then breaking out into violent fits of the high he was pretending to be on.

Tae was always pale, always drawn back, looking more like a ghost every time we went out by putting on light make-up, only showing emotions when he got into a fight with one of us.

Namjoon had started drinking.
Real alcohol at the beginning of the night, then switching to soda later on without anyone seeing or noticing.

He was the one who almost never broke up our fights, only looked on with a numb, red face.
Like he had given up on us.
Or no longer knew how to hold us together.