Heal me // A Jikook Trilogy //

《87》Reasons to Live

Two weeks.
Lian had asked for two week where we could properly moan our losses.
And it turned into one of the hardest weeks of my life.

Too often I caught myself battling with dangerous thoughts.
That maybe, it was better to love no one than to loose someone you loved.
The pain... was it really worth it?

Seeing Namjoon was literally ripping my heart apart.

I couldn't remember clearly how me left the docks.
Only remembered the extreme heat of the flames and people dancing and celebrating over a tyranny finally over.
We left pretty quickly I think, all of us numb and unable to feel like it was a victory at all.

We did what needed to be done.
Lian had taken charge.
But it held nothing of the inspiring young woman who convinced a world of bastards and lowlife to crown her queen.

She did it like she was barely there.
Spoke only when she needed to.
Was pale and drawn back.
And this sadness in her eyes... and so, so much guilt.

I knew why.
Lian was as good at it as our leader.
To put all the blame on herself.
Her plan.
Her choice that got Hwasa killed, even as we tried to convince her it was not her fault.

But Namjoon... he was so much worse.
As expected, the man who woke up from the sedative was not the leader we all looked up to.
There was no more passion in his eyes.
No more life.
He seemed like a hollow shell, barely eating, only passing out when his body couldn't handle it anymore and went into survival shut-down.
He was also silent.
Not once had he spoken, no matter how hard we tried.
He just sat there, silently, staring into nothing.

I wished he'd at least show his hurt.
Act out.
Drink.
Rage.
Cry.
But there was just this endless nothingness.

We held Hwasa's funeral two days later.
A small gathering of only her closest friends.
And us.
No blood-related family members.

Jimin had been crying openly in my arms while we watched our friend being lowered into the ground.
It had a sense of realism.
Finally understanding she would truly not be there anymore.
Just gone...

It wasn't fair.
It shouldn't have been her.
Out of all of us, she had the least to do with this.
Her only crime was being Namjoon's love.
Namjoon, who stood there in his black suit, standing tall and rigid.
Not a single emotion on his face as he watched Hwasa being put to her eternal rest.

No tear.
No scream.
Just nothing.
This empty shell of the man we all admired and loved.

Not even Lian had managed to get him to snap out of it.
Fair enough, Lian had a lot on her mind.
We finally managed to get where we wanted to be.
Now, BTS was in charge.
And the hardly fought about power came with responsibilities.

Even if we needed more time to get over Hwasa's death, if we slacked off now, all would have been for nothing.
We made a stand and now we had to hold it, so Lian, as promised, called in a gathering of all the main gangs.

Rules would be layed out and a new system had to take hold.
The official invite went out exactly after two weeks had passed, and just as promised, Lian had made Hwasa's flat the new meeting point.

Right in the middle of town, under the nose of all those people who feared, loathed and envied us.
Apparently her way of grieving was to distract her mind with working and planning.

I checked the reflection in the mirror again.
My face was pale and the rings beneath my eyes were a clear indicator what this week had entailed.
The black suit I was wearing felt like a lie.
Made me appear put together and in control, powerful and in charge of my life.