Four To The End (prev Shifting Lines) Book Three (Marauders Era)

Chapter Twenty-Eight - Searching For The Answer

Author's note: internalized homophobia, sorta mention for emetophobia

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It was painful, facing what he had been doing his best to avoid for a few weeks. It left a huge gaping hole in his chest and it almost felt as though his limbs were on fire. They were so warm and whenever he moved, it was as if trying to push through something thick and heavy. It was very difficult to think.

But he thought. He thought about everything he knew about this issue, which really wasn't much. He wanted to know more and found his copy of Your Body At Hogwarts, flipping fruitlessly through the pages. Of course there was nothing there. He already knew this, already searched through this book to figure out when he'd start liking girls.

Nothing about what to do if you started liking boys.

There might be something in the library, he thought, chewing at his nails as he curled up underneath his bed. Gwyllgi was clutched against his chest even though he hated relying on a stuffed animal at thirteen. It was childish and immature, he needed to get rid of Gwyllgi. He was going to get rid of Gwyllgi just... not quite yet.

Yes, the library would have something. Surely it would, wouldn't it? Except he couldn't go in and look up G for—... or H for...

He began chewing at his lip now, trying to figure out what to do. He needed to search the library without Mr. Farrow being there, except that was—that would mean going in after closing. Breaking the rules. Dare he?

I need information, he decided. Needed information about this problem and how to fix it because there had to be a way to fix it. Or stop it. Make it go away. Magic could make a lot of things go away.

Can't make lycanthropy go away, hissed out a voice inside of him. Can't make this go away either.

"Can so," he whispered into Gwyllgi's fur. He was smart. He was very smart! He'd find a way.

*

"Been avoiding us?"

The three words stung Remus and he tried not to wince at the accusation.

"N-no," he lied. "I was working on homework."

It was late evening and the Marauders had finally tumbled into the dorm room where Remus had been staying since he left them; he hadn't even gone to supper. Instead, he snuck into James's desk and ate some of his sweets.

James laughed, putting an arm around Remus's shoulder. "Only teasing," he said, bumping against him. "We know how caught up you get when you lose yourself in homework."

As the others got ready for bed, chattering about various things that happened that evening, Remus sat on his bed trying to figure out how to bring up his question. He didn't think James would get annoyed or upset however he couldn't help but feel a little anxious. Finally he decided to force himself to ask, before Dave or Spinnet showed up.

"Hey, um, James?" he asked so quietly nobody heard him. "James?" he asked again, this time a bit louder.

"Eh?"

Remus stood up, hoping he wasn't trembling. "I w-was wondering if—if I could borrow the cloak a little while." His throat seized up with the final syllable, and he meant to add please but couldn't. "Lease?" he finally managed, unable to form the P.

James cocked his head to one side while Sirius and Peter both looked amused. "What's this?" James asked with a grin. "Remus Lupin wanting to sneak around?"