Four To The End (prev Shifting Lines) Book Three (Marauders Era)

Chapter Seventy-Six - A Goodbye Surprise

Author's Note: CW for inadvertent self harm (scratching), references to the gore from previous chapter

*

Pain. Burning, fiery pain he couldn't feel but knew was there. Blood and flesh in his mouth. Teeth grinding against bone. He looked up at Pomfrey's dying body and ripped her leg off.

Remus woke up with a scream, quickly stifling it. He had been having nightmares every single night, whether it was biting his own leg off or someone else's.

He slid his hand down to his chest, pressing against where his heart was pounding. He felt disgusting. More like a monster than ever before. He had managed to keep up appearances whenever someone else was in the room, but he wanted to cry. Despite what he told James the other day, it wasn't a similar accident to him losing his fingers. Remus had chewed through his own leg. Like a mouse caught in a trap.

His fingers twitched and he began scratching at his wrists, wanting to scratch his flesh away until he could rip the wolf from his body. He stopped only because the door opened and Pomfrey stuck her head in. He apologized for screaming, saying it had been another nightmare. She gave him some dreamless sleep potion which he gladly took, even though it didn't completely help him.

He lay back against his pillow, staring up at the dark ceiling. It was cloudy out, the waning moon hidden. He wished he could stay in the darkness forever. A little room, all alone. It's where he belonged. Not being cared for by someone as kind as Pomfrey. Not given love from friends he didn't deserve. Not being given an education that wouldn't help with anything.

He grit his teeth, his muscles tensing and bunching. Nights were horrible, the thoughts and worries assaulting him as he tried to sleep. He twisted a bit until he pushed his blanket off, steadying himself against the bed as he stood up. Pain shot up through his foot and leg, making him sink back down. He pressed the wrongly shaped foot against the floor, trying to strengthen his muscles.

Tomorrow he'd be going back to the real world. Putting the mask back on every minute of the day. Pretending to be a normal human even when he wasn't. For a split-second he hated the Marauders, hated that they were always with him—then he flopped back into bed, suppressing a cry into his pillow.

I didn't mean that, I'd never mean that, I'm sorry! he thought to no one but himself, as if his friends could have heard him. He felt like a traitor. Of course he hadn't meant it. The Marauders were wonderful and amazing, he was so lucky to have them. But even with all they knew, he still felt like an actor. Hiding the broken bits as much as he could. He had been more open with them about things so far this school year, but he had to be careful not to go too far.

Sighing, he pulled the blanket back up as the potion finally pulled him back into sleep.

*

Peter was at the hospital wing bright and early on Sunday, happily telling Madame Pomfrey how much he wanted to help Remus back to the dorms if he was able to leave. He told Pomfrey how awful it had been without Remus, how worried he was, how much he missed him...

Remus tried not to roll his eyes as he tied his shoelaces. His leg was back to normal, albeit a little weak, and his foot was mostly back to normal. It was skinny and his toes were very tiny, but he was able to walk.

"Do you want me to hex you so you can stay in the wing?" Remus asked after he and Peter left.

Peter blushed. "I wasn't... Oh, don't tease me. I thought it wouldn't be awful if you knew, but you're teasing me."

"I'm sorry, I shan't anymore," Remus promised, then hesitated. "Er, well, I'll try not to."

Despite his thoughts the night before, it felt so good being free after being cooped up for nearly a full week. The daylight hours changed everything. He still felt stressed, but not as. He even bounced a little as he walked, or rather did a strange sort of half-bounce-half-limp. When they reached the Grand Staircase, he paused, looking up at all those steps.