Four To The End (prev Shifting Lines) Book Three (Marauders Era)

Chapter Fifty-Two - Telling Miss Fawley

The last day before Halloween was spent working on the prank at every available moment, so Remus didn't have much time to think about seeing Miss Fawley until he realized it was time for Occlumency. This past week went by too fast, he thought as the Marauders headed towards the fourth floor. What am I going to do if I keep thinking of those moments? He wrapped his arms around his middle, hunching forward, and staring down at his shoelaces flailing with each footstep. Between the concert, prank stuff, Aegis, and dealing with Lily... he hadn't had time to prepare for what might happen! Am I really going to tell her?

"You don't look too well," Peter said, tugging at Remus's sleeve. "You all right?"

"Tired," he mumbled, hunching even more.

At least he had a few extra minutes, for as soon as they went into the room, James bounded towards Fawley and launched into a long description of the concert. Remus stood still, eyes on the floor, thoughts whirling wildly through his head. Tell, or don't tell? If I can't stop the memories, I'll have to tell—or stop Occlumency. What would Dumbledore say though? Sorry sir, I can't do Occlumency anymore, I have a big secret not even Miss Fawley can know. Yeah, that would certainly go over well. What bigger secret could there be than being a werewolf?

He gave the other Marauders a nod as they left then headed over to the couch, slowly sinking down. He clasped his hands around his knees, mouth dry, armpits damp. His head was already hurting, as was his stomach.

Miss Fawley's head was turned in his direction, her pale eyes pointed somewhere around his forehead. He looked up at her gentle, motherly face, and felt his heart sinking down into his feet. At that moment he realized even if he managed to stop constantly dragging her to that specific memory, there would be so many other memories—so many chances for her to find out what he was hiding. He had so many questions he wanted to ask Lily. And what if one day he somehow found a book about it? He'd get it, if he could. Maybe.

Fawley reached over, her slender hand resting on his. "What's wrong?" she asked. "I can tell you're troubled right now..."

Remus tried to talk but his mouth was too dry. It didn't seem fair at all, to have to tell her. To have to pry open his chest and bare his soul to someone else when he himself barely understood what was going on. He'd give anything to put it off... but doing so meant putting Occlumency off and only delaying the inevitable. Besides, what if he never understood? What if he was just as confused in his seventh year? Which was very likely, in his opinion.

"Is it the same thing as last week?"

He sucked in some air and managed a faint yes. He knew his hand was getting clammy under hers but she didn't move it. How am I going to do this? This isn't fair, this isn't FAIR!

He felt like weeping; like breaking down and lying on the floor and giving up. Being human was so hard. Too hard. It would have been easier to simply stay home and learn whatever he could through books. To not be around other people and be forced to share secrets he wished were otherwise buried.

His skin began tingling and feeling too tight. He took in a few more gasps of air, pushing back the tears, pushing back the wave of emotions that threatened to pull him under. If he was going to do this, he needed to be somewhat sensible. Even if it truly made no sense to him.

He began talking, but instead of telling her, he said something else.

"What if I have something so personal I don't wish anyone—not even you—to know?" He fidgeted, wanting to take his words back. Instead he kept going. "Something that might be difficult to hide in memories? It—it's something that's going to be... bothering me for a while. Indefinitely, really. I... I don't know when it will come up between me and Lily. It—I—I don't know what to do, Miss Fawley."