illicit | five hargreeves - EDITING

seventeen

chapter seventeen: tried to change the ending

TW: mention of suicide, and brief mention of sexual assault.

Number Five genuinely couldn't remember the last time he had gotten a good night's sleep. His mind never really did stop going rapidly, which made it incredibly hard for him to allow his body and mind to completely relax, because he always seemed to be on some sort of edge. Five had always been like that for as long as he could remember; because letting his guard down was never a safe option for him, even back when he was just a kid.

He supposed it did have something to do with his anxiety and PSTD, because even when he did finally fall into sleep, staying asleep was a whole different problem. Sometimes Five would wake up in the middle of the night, because the endless night terrors became too much for him, and he just couldn't handle it any longer.

Five would often get up in the middle of the night, leaving Anthony alone in the empty bed, and he would just pace around the apartment, sorta like a ghost. Other times he would just hold Anthony is his arms, just watching him sleep and listening to the steady sound of his heartbeat. Because sometimes he really needed a reminder, just to let himself know that Anthony was actually there, and he was actually alive and that he was real; and it sounded weird, but Five really did need the confirmation, because he had spent too many years alone with his own mind and hallucinations.

He always appreciated how peaceful Anthony looked in his sleep; with his eyes tightly shut, his lips just barely parted, and his eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly. If you had just seen him like that, you would never even think about what was going on inside his mind, and it always helped Five just feel more at ease, just knowing that his partner was okay.

Five always knew that it wasn't easy for Anthony to let his guard down either, because he had wrongfully done so too many times in his life, and it did take a while for him to feel comfortable around Five. The trust that he had to gain took a while, and wasn't entirely easy.

There were times where Anthony would wake up in the middle of the night, but he was far less discreet about it in comparison to his counterpart. But Five didn't mind, and he would gladly spend the following hours running his hand through the boy's hair, rubbing his back, and whispering sweet nothings into his ear until he eventually fell back asleep.

Number Five always did feel bad, and just slightly guilty, at the fact that he would never fully understand Anthony and his struggles. He felt as if there was only so much he could say when he didn't get it. Sure, he could listen and try his best, but he really would never know what it was like; because he never had to grow up the way Anthony did.

He had always been comfortable and confident in who he was; he didn't care that he liked boys, and he knew that no one else did. It never even crossed Five's mind that it was something he could potentially be hated for, because it was just such a normal thing in his household growing up.

Just hearing the stories from his partner made him feel physically sick and made his heart ache. He knew that he would never know the pain of it, and he was grateful for that. And Five really did appreciate the fact that he was never hated for who he was, he never had to walk home the long way in order to avoid getting a black eye, he never had to worry about anyone finding out the truth. He didn't have to see a therapist for his 'problem', he didn't have to experience the physical and emotional pain of that.

And although Five never experienced it himself, it didn't matter; because Anthony had, and it was obvious how badly it really did affect him, even so many years on. Five had only ever been called slurs very few times in his lifetime, and to be completely honest, they never seemed to affect him badly, not the way that they did with Anthony.