illicit | five hargreeves - EDITING

twenty two

chapter twenty two: james

Anthony always knew that he was different. It had been drilled into his mind since he was just a stupid little kid. Back when the boys on the schoolyard would throw stuff at him, call him a 'fucking fag' and then follow him home from school, sometimes dragging him into an alleyway behind his house and kicking him until they got bored of it.

It seemed that they knew about his feelings before he had even realized it himself; because Anthony always had a plan for his life. At age ten he decided that he would go to college and get a good job, like a doctor or an accountant, he would meet a woman and marry her, have eight children and live his life that way until he died, probably of a heart attack or a stroke at the age of eighty years old. Because that's the life everyone wanted for him, to be successful, married with kids, and to just be happy.

Anthony realized when he was thirteen that he looked at his friend Matthew different than he did his friend Clara. He didn't fully understand what the feeling was, because he was just too young and innocent to know. When he got to high school and all of the guys would start talking about dating, kissing and sex, he realized that doing any of those things with a girl absolutely disgusted him.

Sure, he thought that the girls were pretty and he liked the way they were always nicer to him than the boys were but when it actually came to it, he realized that he only felt attraction to the same boys that called him names and beat him up in back alleys.

He had his first kiss when he fourteen, with a girl, his friend Clara to be exact. It didn't go badly but he definitely did not enjoy it as much as he had anticipated, because all the boys used to hype it up so much. Anthony tried to convince himself for awhile that it wasn't anything to do with him, it had everything to do with Clara. He convinced himself that she was just a bad kisser, and he would enjoy it a lot more the next time.

Then the next time came, and the time after that, and the time are that one. It never felt any different, and it only felt grosser to him the more bases they passed. Anthony kept trying to suppress his feelings, because he didn't want to be different, he didn't want to be a disappointment, and he didn't want to be 'sick' or 'diseased' like people would tell him.

Anthony could still almost cry if he thought about his first boyfriend for too long. Not for any bad reasons, just because of how fucking grateful he was for him. His first boyfriend was the only person for a long time that made feel normal and as if he wasn't something to avoid like the bubonic plague.

He knew apart of him still loved that boy, for a very valid reason. Anthony knew he didn't love him anymore for the same reason he does with Five, but that boy had done things, great things, for Anthony.

His name was James, and he was in the grade above Anthony. They met when he had found Anthony get harassed by the usual boys, and the older boy had sent them on their way with a couple of threats. He helped Anthony up, and then helped clean him up. He asked if he wanted to go somewhere, and Anthony agreed, so they spent hours sitting on top of the old abandoned building by his house talking.

James had asked what had happened, but Anthony would never admit that it was because they all thought he was gay, because he was scared that if he found out, he would push Anthony off of the building, for some weird reason.

He placed his hand over Anthony's hand, an action that made the sixteen year old freeze up entirely, but he didn't even try and move it. He would never forget when James had told him "Don't worry, I like boys too" he admitted. They had made out once the sun had gone down, and then James walked him home to make sure he got their safely.

Anthony cried in his room that night, because it was the first time he really comprehended that he had turned into everything his parents were against. He knew there was not even a small chance of being accepted in his Christian household, and if they found out they would probably send him away to some camp and he would come back a completely different person.