illicit | five hargreeves - EDITING

thirty eight

chapter thirty eight: can we always be this close?

Anthony always wondered whether or not he loved too hard and too fast, to fall for someone without really knowing who they are and what their intentions are with him. He always did know that he fell in love far too quickly, hence why his short life had been so filled with heartache and heartbreak, but it was almost inevitable based on his patterns of his emotions. Anthony usually loved with his entire heart, soul and body, putting absolutely everything into the people that he loved, even if it meant that it would only end up hurting him in the long run.

He supposed that was quite literally what it meant to love too hard, falling so deeply in love with a person that even he doesn't see their flaws until it's much too late for that. Anthony didn't really have a filter with his feelings and responses when it came to his relationships; he was overly clingy, jealous, paranoid, overall just immature about the entire thing. Partly because he was scared, another part because he was so selfish to have someone to himself.

Anthony often loved without restraint, loving so hard that he could see far past someone's physical appearance, their flaws and their weaknesses. None of that ever really crossed his mind when he was falling for someone, and maybe sometimes they probably should have. He supposed to love hard also meant to love in an unconditional way. It was the deep emotional and spiritual connection that was so important to him and what he craved, and also the psychological feelings behind it all.

Love was hard. Anthony had learned over the past few months, that the people who needed love the most were the ones who would either run from it or would eventually push it away. They would resist it until it was too late and everything would come crashing down. Those people where the ones who have had something happen to them that has made it close to impossible for them accept and return love. People who've been burned by their parents or past lovers and who will do absolutely anything to find a reason as to why they don't deserve the love from the person they are with.

To be love and to be loved were two different things but were also equally as hard to do. Loving someone and not having the feelings reciprocated just leaves you feeling broken, and Anthony knew all too well what that felt like. On the other hand, being loved can sometimes be harder, because you can feel trapped and overwhelmed by it all, also pressured to be just what that person wants and expects.

When Anthony really thought about it, he debated in his mind often whether or not Five actually did love him. Sure, he had said it him multiple times, but that was only when they were days away from the apocalypse, and Five would've done practically anything to get the help he needed to stop the doomed event that was upon him. He could've lied about it, and maybe he did just so he got what he wanted. If that was it, fair play, Anthony thought, because it worked.

He debated a lot about whether or not he even really knew who Five was. Because when you think about it, they haven't even spent a year of their lives together yet. They spent eight months together, broke up for four, and now only have had two weeks at the most together. The thought of Five actually being a complete stranger to him was playing on his mind a lot, and it absolutely terrified him. Had he given every single part of himself and his body to a man he didn't even know? Anthony wasn't sure.

Did he even love Five? Did he even know what it felt like to love someone? Did he only form this connection because he literally had no one else to deflect them onto? It doesn't sound all too impossible, because back when they met he truly did not have a single person in his life that cared. Five was his one and only confinement, his lifeline and the only person that kept his sane.