illicit | five hargreeves - EDITING

thirty four

chapter thirty four: the swedes

October seemed to go even faster than the previous two months had gone, and Anthony felt as if his time in the sixties was slipping away from him. He had already been there for three months, but it really didn't feel that long at all. But on the contrary, he also felt as if he had known his friends for a lot longer than a few mere months. They also acted as if they had known him for years, as if he had always been there, and that was particularly Joey.

The time was slipping out of his grasp, and the thought of inevitably leaving his friends was always looming over his head. Anthony rather liked his life in the sixties, he had found a sort of comfort in the simplistic and easy life that he had now he come some accustomed to. Now he was holding on to every moment of tile he had left there, because he knew he would eventually only hold onto the memories, and they would hold onto him.

He would be the first to admit to himself that the thought of his friends becoming strangers was a terrifying thought. Anthony knew it wasn't fair to him, but most of all it wasn't fair to them. Dorothea and Inez saw him as a brother, and Joey had found such a comfort and consolation in the only boy he knew that could relate to him. But when he was gone, what would happen to them? Would they miss him? Would they grieve the loss? Or would they  just move on and replace him with another, and that was a thought that just made him feel crestfallen and drew a sense of dread inside of him.

November came much too quickly, and he could practically feel the peace he had been relishing in slowly slipping away. November would bring the anticipated assassination of John F. Kennedy that he had been thinking about a lot for the fast few weeks now. His friends, particularly Inez, were so excited for the visit, but he obviously couldn't let them know what was actually going to happen. He also had to listen to Diego's constant babbling about how he was going to save the president and become some sort of hero, but Anthony knew that he couldn't let the man escape the asylum until the assassination was done and JFK was six feet under. No matter how brutal it sounded, he knew all too well what could happen if the timeline got drastically screwed up.

The concept of time is actually a terrifying thing if you really think about it for too long. The way it constantly moved really fucking quickly, and there was really nothing anyone could do to stop it or even slow it down. Time will always march on, and our lives just get shorter with every second that passes, and no matter what you do, you can't stop it.

If you had told Anthony that just a couple of months ago, he would've found comfort in that thought: he would find relief just knowing that his life was temporary, that his pain was only temporary and would inevitably be over soon. He would've waited for the day when his time was up, would've been happy and wouldn't be sad or even scared, and would've just accepted it like everything else.

But Anthony wasn't the same person now that he was only mere months ago, back when the thought of death was comforting and the idea of living was just painful. Now just the thought of passing time was enough to keep him awake at night, the realization of his time slowly drifting away from him and the fact that it was completely out of his control.

The thought of death now was enough to give him a full blown panic attack, more importantly the thought of dying alone with no one even caring. When he did think back on his life, although none of that really mattered anymore, he felt guilty and selfish at the memories of how careless he was with his own life; the multiple times he had almost ended it, either accidentally or intentionally was enough to make his heart physically hurt.