The way you deserve

17-Kisses

TW: SELFHARM

Hiraeth

After stuffing our faces with food, we were now back in his room, I'm dreading the conversation but I also know I should tell him.

I trust him and I've known him for some months now. I have known my friends for years yet I don't think I can ever trust to tell them something as sensitive as this, but with Arc it was different I trusted him, maybe because he shared his little secret with me or maybe because he's just ...him.

We were both sitting on his bed, and my stomach was clenching with cramps, I was trying to keep my face passive but I had a feeling I was failing.
Arc got up and left the room, this made me frown but he soon returned with a hot water bag and gave it to me.

This guy

"You are just so...perfect, its not fair" I say sighing, putting the bag on my tummy as it provided instant relief, He just chuckles lightly.

We sit in silence for some minutes, the tension in the air making it hard to breathe, he finally speaks up, "Is this the first time?"

"huh?"

"that...you've hurt yourself?"

"..no, it's not"

he sighs and rubs his temple, "when was the last time you did this"

"three years ago, but it was never like this"

"what do you mean?"

"I used to cut, but they were never deep, some didn't even leave scars, they were never as deep as this, I just wanted to feel something, I didn't want to end up dying," I say looking down at the hot water bag as he sighs

"Why?" he questions softly

"I...don't know honestly, I was lonely, I had no friends to talk to or anyone who cared, I used to cry a lot, too much, they even bullied me at school for crying a lot, but I couldn't help it, my head was a mess, it was the only emotion I could express and after some time, I felt numb and everything just... I don't know, it made me feel...better. I don't know how, but it did." I say slowly, thinking each word over.

no one had ever asked me why I hurt myself.
no one knew I hurt myself

"Why didn't you get help?"

"I didn't want to tell mom, and I couldn't possibly get therapy alone, being a minor and all, but then I grew up, I don't know what changed, I still had no friends and I was still alone, but it was now peaceful for me, I developed hobbies and I tried to be kind to myself you know, just those little things, and it worked, I wanted to live, I wanted to give myself a chance, it sounds so filmy but that's exactly what went through my head, I still felt numb but I didn't want to hurt myself and then you came along and I felt happy, I felt more than I ever had, I didn't even think of hurting myself...until today" I finish fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie

"What happened today? When we texted you seemed fine," he says, his tone still soft, as he took my hands and stroked them softly, making me feel a bit calm.

"Mom...she...I last saw her on Thursday evening, we hadn't talked or anything, just saw her, she was busy so I didn't disturb her but then she wasn't home, she didn't come back for 2 days, and I mean she could've been on a trip or something but she never leaves without telling me so obviously I was worried." I stutter lightly as he keeps rubbing my hands softly.

"when she came back...I was relieved and happy but she said things...mean things and that hurt me, more than it should have" I say shaking lightly

"what did she say?" he asks but I shake my head instantly