Bonds of Light and Fire

55. Denied Emotions

For a moment, Luciana could only stare at Vaughan in stunned silence. Then, her eyes drifted shut and she let herself respond to his kiss. Her arms wound around his neck and she threaded her fingers through the damp ends of his hair. Vaughan pulled her closer, deepening the kiss.

Luciana couldn't make sense of the emotions and thoughts that circled through her mind. She didn't know if Vaughan could hear them through their new bond. She didn't care. He was kissing her. He was kissing her like he was dying and she was life. His kiss was firm but gentle. Luciana knew her own efforts had to be clumsy and totally unsatisfying, but she didn't care. She made a small, contented sound.

Vaughan's eyes opened and he broke off abruptly. Luciana blinked in surprise as he shoved her arms aside and backed away. Vaughan cupped his hands over his mouth, then raked his fingers back through his hair. "I'm sorry," he rasped. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean... I'm sorry."

Luciana knit her brows, noticing that his palm hadn't left any blood on his face. She touched her cheek, but felt nothing. Luciana looked at her own palm. The wound from their blood connection had already healed and was nothing more than a pink scar.

"I'm sorry," Vaughan said again. He bumped into a bench situated at the foot of her bed. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for," Luciana answered swiftly. "You've done nothing wrong."

"You've been through so much already. Just last night. I shouldn't have... I'm sorry." He slumped onto the bench and hid his face in his hands. "I'm sorry."

Luciana hesitated, then sat down beside him. "Stop apologizing. You didn't scare me. You didn't hurt me. I..." Her fingers drifted to her lips. "None of them kissed me." Slowly, she began to smile.

Vaughan glanced at her. "They didn't?"

"Well, not on the lips." Panic nipped at the corners of her mind as her memories surfaced. Luciana shoved them back down. "I wanted you to kiss me." She held his gaze, studying the glittering obsidian depths. "I've wanted that for a very long time."

"I know," he murmured. "I've known from the beginning. I just couldn't bring myself to return your feelings."

Luciana bit her lip as she averted her eyes. She drew a curl over her shoulder and tugged on it. "I tried to keep them hidden. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I knew you were still in love with Connall and that you might not care for...females."

"I still love Connall. I always will. But, as you once told me, love can grow and change. As for my preferences..." Vaughan's knuckle grazed her chin. She followed his touch and faced him. "Male, female...it doesn't matter to me. What matters is personality. Characteristics. Who you are. I fell in love with Connall because he was lonely and hurt, just like me. But you..."

Luciana's heartbeat quickened as Vaughan fell silent. She swallowed hard. Finally, he spoke again, his voice softer than she'd ever heard it. "I fell in love with you because you were happy, and deep down, I wanted to be happy too. I wanted to have your determination and spirit. I admired the way you found joy in the small things. I envied your freedom. Your passion. Your warmth."

"I spent so long trying to deny it to myself, and to you. I told myself I didn't want you. I told myself every day that I couldn't have you. I used my fear of our carranam bond to convince myself not to fall for you. But I did anyway."

Vaughan studied her as though he were seeing her for the first time. As though he were memorizing her features. The color of her hair. The shape of her eyes. The curve of her lips. "I have always been doomed to want the things I cannot have."