The Ex Files

Raw Food and Instruments of Torture

"Pamina!" Susan exclaimed, as if she had a bad taste in her mouth. "Is she ethnic?"

Eleanor grinned, enjoying the moment. She loved hearing her all-too-perfect big sister squirm. Susan was a fierce champion of inclusivity until she was actually face-to-face with someone differently abled, coloured, or cultured. Then she would become gushingly over-friendly and disappear as quickly as possible.

"She's mixed race. Her mother is Latino, her father's family is from the Caribbean, and some North American Indian blood slipped into the family tree somewhere along the line. Her father is a professional woodwind player who happens to love Mozart, especially The Magic Flute. Pamina is named after the heroine. She hasn't always enjoyed the name, but her father keeps reminding her how fortunate she is that he didn't opt for the name Papagena."

"Skip the history lesson," Susan snapped. "Does she have the money for first, last, and damage?'

"In my account as we speak. She's arranged to move in tomorrow at one-thirty. Kelly is going to take some time off work to let her in."

"Does that mean you can pay me back?"

Eleanor cleared her throat. "No yet. But I won't have to ask you to help me with the mortgage this month."

"You lowered the rent again, didn't you?" Susan asked sharply.

"Kind of.  Pamina is an accountant, and she's going to look after the business end of our shared accommodation. It's far more complicated than I imagined."

"Well," Susan mused, "having professional help might save you money in the long run. Those government departments can be very tricky." Susan spoke from bitter experience. Her recent tax audit had not gone well.

"I'll bet Pamina would do a great job of managing your tax return."

"We'll see. You'll have our hands full adjusting. It's not easy having a stranger in the house, you know."

"You said exactly the same thing about Kelly, and we're practically family already."

When Eleanor arrived home from work the next day, Kelly and Pamina were consulting in the kitchen. Pamina had not mentioned that she was on a raw food diet. She had also neglected to inform Eleanor that she would be emptying her storage unit, which housed a small fridge, an elliptical trainer, a rowing machine, eight large plastic storage containers, and a dress form. She and Kelly had carried some of the boxes upstairs and hung up Pamina's clothes in the closet, but most of her possessions were scattered on the lawn in front of the house.

"The movers made a stink about having to move the furniture downstairs," Kelly explained. "I don't know what their problem was. They were charging $180 an hour for three men and a truck, and one of those guys was totally useless -- didn't have a clue what he was supposed to be doing. After they got the room emptied, the head honcho looked at his watch and said he had a time-sensitive move starting in forty-five minutes. They just dumped everything on the lawn and took off."

Eleanor's first impulse was to tell them, in no uncertain terms, that anything that would not fit in Pamina's room would have to be disposed of. Then she thought of the money in her bank account and the convenience of having an accountant in the house. It wouldn't be helpful to start off on the wrong foot.

After some frantic phone calls, Eleanor recruited a couple of strong backs to bring everything inside. The fridge was hauled up the stairs to Pamina's room along with Pamina's bed, nightstand, two book shelves, a computer desk, two chairs, and four suitcases. The dress form, three of the storage containers, and six miscellaneous boxes were temporarily housed in the loft. The rest was consigned to the basement. The furnace room was now full to overflowing, and the exercise equipment was set up in the rec room with a sight line to the television. This required re-shuffling of furniture, but the overall effect was not bad at all. Pamina told them that they were welcome to share her exercise machines. If those torture devices could give her a body like Pamina's, Eleanor was willing to consider using them.

It was almost eight o'clock when they finally had supper. Kelly had put some frozen chicken strips and fries into the oven and concocted a large salad to share with Pamina, who nibbled on a plateful of unidentified shredded vegetables with nuts and seeds. Eleanor hoped fervently that none of her future tenants would be on special diets. In theory, everyone would look after his or her own nutritional needs. But in practice, it would be simpler is they all took turns cooking, ate together, and shared the clean-up and the grocery bill. Of course, eating together would present a new challenge. Eleanor's dining table was just the right size for four people, not five, and she had only four chairs.

She took a deep breath. One problem at a time.

Everything is unfolding exactly as it should.