Life, Love, & Lies

Thirty-One

LoLo startles as an elbow knocks her in the ribs softly, turning to see Zack looking at her, having pulled her from her daze. Without saying a word he motions softly with his head to the tablet on his lap. Lolo looking at it sees a blank document with three words typed out at the top.

Are you OK?

Sighing she lifts the armrest between them, sliding the tablet from his lap and onto her own, quickly responding by typing on the screen as to keep their conversation quiet from the rest of the airplane.

L: Not really.

Z: Do you want to talk about it?

With a very small smile she pulls the tablet back, typing again as he shifts closer to her, lowering her tray table for the tablet to sit on. 

L: It's Paris, the prospect of being back there scares me.

Z: How many times have you been to Paris in your life?

L: Two dozen. Maybe more? I'm not 100% sure. My whole life was supposed to be in Paris, that was the plan from age 8 to age 17.

Z: Did you come here a lot for ballet?

L: Constantly. I would spend at least one month every summer in Paris from when I was 8 until the year everything happened. I was invited to a camp put on by members of the Paris ballet community. I stayed in Paris for six months when I was 9, I played Clara in the nutcracker, in Paris, at 9 years old. That was about the time that I decided I loved ballet and wanted to pursue it. When I stopped doing it just because my parents wanted me to. We visited before that as well, I think the first pictures I remember of me in Paris were from when I was two. We would come every other year as a family.

Z: Why are you so afraid to be back in the city?

L: I'm afraid I haven't healed from that part of my life enough to not show some of it.

Z: What do you mean?

L: I mean this is the first time I'll be back in Paris since the summer that I left thinking I would return the following June to take a place at one of the most elite ballet companies in the world, and I don't think I've thought enough about that and given myself closure on it. I know ballet isn't what I'll be doing with my life, clearly. I haven't danced in 5 1/2 years but being in Paris is going to hurt the dancer in me. I know it.

Z: Is there anything I can do to help?

L: Yeah don't ask me about my past in Paris. We can talk about it now while we're flying but once we get there I don't want to talk about it. And I don't want to talk about it in Germany either, at least not while in Berlin. Milo's mom extended the invitation to the band and the crew to have dinner at their place, and I'm not gonna be able to talk about my life back when I knew Milo and Matt in high school while I'm there. Matt and Milo's moms are more mother-like to me than my own. They nurtured me whereas mine pushed me and expected big things from me and never cared much for my faults. We had planned to go to Germany and have Milo show us where he grew up, just the three of us, after graduation, before I was due in Paris and before they pursued the band more full time. It was going to be our senior trip, just the three of us, and I don't know if Matt and Milo did that but I don't think they did. I already know that somehow being in Germany, in his hometown, it's going to seem like that but also nothing like that, and it scares me. I'm also afraid to see his mom again. What if she recognizes me?

Z: How well did you know her?

L: About as well as I knew Matt's mom. Maybe slightly less? I don't know. Our mom's weren't around a whole lot in our friendship, but his mom was around the most I think. My mom just didn't care, not really. If it wasn't about ballet she wasn't usually listening, and I preferred to avoid our penthouse as much as I could. Matt's mom was a single mom trying to survive in New York City with three kids. Most of my conversations with her were right before she would head to work in small increments, five minutes here, five minutes there, before she was out the door after Matt got home from school when I was with him. Every once in a while we would have dinner when she would have a day off and cook for us, or we'd hang out and play board games. Milo's mom was simply the wife of a politician. And I say simply when it was anything but, she took calls, she arranged things, she met with the other politicians wives, she helped run things at the embassy there in New York. But her focus in life was Milo, he was everything to her and when he brought Matt and I around we became everything to her, like bonus children. So I don't know, part of me is afraid to see her and part of me can't wait to see her.