I knew it was a game. Damn but a good game it was for as long as it lasted.
"Let me go." I whisper.
He stares at me. His face turning so cold. "Fine." He says letting up on the grip of my arm.
"I'm done playing this game."
...
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[Flashback: 2 years ago]
The rain bashed against my windshield. The thunder rumbled in the sky after every strike of lightning. My hands stayed glued to the steering wheel. Ready to rip it from its position.
"You could have told me sooner!" I yelled at my fiancé who sat in the passenger seat. She wailed and begged for forgiveness. "I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but— but you, fuck!" I slammed my hand against the wheel.
The car gained more traction as I sped through the downpour of late June. Our house was in central New York, the closest house from our friends.
"You fucked my best friend, Victoria! Then I found you stealing my own Goddamn money! I worked my ass off to provide a life for you, for us! Yet here you were planning to run away with all my fucking money and with my best fucking friend." My foot clung to the gas.
"Slow down Mason!" She yelled for me to stop speeding through the side roads to get to our house.
Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes. I tired to wipe them but felt the car shift. The tires lost all traction in the heavy rain. A car from the other end swerved out in front. I tried hurriedly to press the breaks and move over lanes but it was too late.
My car slid and the car ahead of us hit the front of my car. Their car went tumbling over the edge as mine came to a screeching stop. Falling over to its side. My vision blurred, the smell of copper and fuel was strong. My breathing was rapid. I tired to feel for Victoria but my body weakened and collapsed. My vision blurred out with the noise. I couldn't hear anything.
It was silent, it was peaceful.
[Present]
I shot up in bed. Breathing hard with the rhythm of my heart. Sleep, something that was foreign to me. I could never sleep well after that night. The guilt that was bounded to me ate me alive, like parasites feasting on human flesh.
I walked out to the balcony. Drawing a breath from the humid air.
My mamma always told me, "I don't know how your ever going to get anyone else to love you." She would pause, then say, "You hate yourself too much to let them in." That was after the fact my ex fiancé cheated on me.
I knew my mamma was right. She always was. It was an instinct of hers; a motherly instinct.
I hate myself so much that I can't even remember what loving someone feels like. I know what hating yourself feels like, I could go on for ages about that one but I won't.
Promising to love someone again is a cruel thing. All I'll be promising them is a broken heart and salty tears.
Back to the sleeping issue. To be able to find sleep, you have to find peace. Also something so unrealistic to me. Well... that's what I thought. The night me and Anastasia— oh tesoro. What a darling piece of fantasy she is. The night we had sex. I fell asleep with her and for the first time I slept. It was the most oddly thing. I think it was her scent. It was a sensual musk; lavender, pear and maybe a hint of bergamot. It comforted me weirdly enough.
