Unknown Desire

Leah: Lost

Its been a few days since Tom left, I rang in sick to work, I was in no state to face anyone. The thoughts of seeing Tim and even Tara.
Tara has been calling pleading to talk but I couldn't I was so angry at her. I blamed her if she had of just let me be.
I just texted i'm ok not ready to talk.
I didn't know what to think about Tom, i was confused.
He clearly was a nice guy ,if he wasn't he would never have looked after me Friday and Saturday. He came to explain what I witnessed Sunday. I could see the hurt in his eyes when he spoke about his parents. This made me want to hug him as there is clearly issues with trust and abandonment.
I just don't know if I could deal with the other side of him.
Could I trust him, do i believe him about his limits. Do I want to open that door.
So many questions my head felt like it would explode.
I dailed his number many times but never pressed ring.
My dreams revolved around him making love to me. I couldn't stop myself Freddie was used more than once. It wasn't the same as the real thing. Boy it was nowhere near as good.
I thought about my life with Josh simple easy I loved him but was it boring. Has this made me curious to explore more.
Is Tom the man to show me.
Am I afraid yes what if its all a lie and I get sucked into something I don't want.
Should I go to the club to understand it more.
Should I walk away.
You know your curious my inner voice says.
Am I really I think.
I take out a note pad and do a pros and cons list.
I list pro's
You would learn first hand
You will be controlling the situation
You will see Tom
Cons
Do you trust Tom
Would you be safe
Can you walk away

Answers to cons.
You know you can trust him he has been transparent with you. Right maybe not straight away but he still came to explain.
I think I would be safe
The last one was the one I couldn't answer.
I wasn't sure if I would get attached to Tom and therefore be blinded by his views .
Unable to say no.
My judgement has been lacking lately.
Maybe I should call him and ask him to answer more questions.
Would I look like an idiot if I did that.
Why was this so hard.
Fuck it if I don't ask I can't decide.

I pick up his card and dial his mobile.

Hello Tom speaking
I panic and hang up. FUCK you idiot.
I walk to the kettle and the phone rings.
I look at the screen its Tom shit what do I do.
I answer Hello I say.
Leah is that you, he sounds rough
Yes sorry I didnt mean to hang up. I panicked.
Why would you panic, you have nothing to fear Leah.
He goes silent then says I hope you know that.
His voice is soft and pleading it nearly breaks my heart.
I know Tom.
So have you decided what you want to do Leah.
I'm not sure Tom , I think I need to ask more questions. I think maybe going to the club will help me understand. So I can decide what Is want if I decide to move forward with you. But for the moment I think friendship is all i'm willing to give until I know what I want.
OK Leah thats more than I can ask for. And your honesty is what I want most.
So how about I pick you up at 6 for dinner and chat.
OK I say I will talk to you later I say.
Leah thanks for giving me a chance regardless of the outcome I appreciate that.
Bye Tom
OK you have made the call. Its now 3 so 3hrs to think about what i want to know and get ready.
My stomach did a little summer salt.
Not sure if that was nerves or excitement. But we will soon find out.
OK what to wear do I stay casual or do I dress up. I've no idea what to wear.
OK breath shower first and calm down.
My stomach has butterflies at the thought of seeing Tom again.
Can I look past what I seen. Only time will tell.