Unknown Desire

Lost

Weeks have past and Leah is barely talking. She refuses to leave Erin. She sleeps in her room. I've asked her to go speak to someone. But she won't entertain it. I'm at loss as its breaking me.
I understand what happened has  had a huge affect on her, How could it not.
I have an appointment myself with my therapist. I feel the rage in me building the more she pulls away. I'm afraid of who I can become if I don't keep control.
Natasha flies home tonight, hopefully she can talk sense into her.
My phone rings breaking my thoughts . I look at the screen it's Leah.
Hey you,everything OK?
She doesn't answer.
Leah what's wrong talk to me.
Tom I can't do this she balls. Leah stay calm I'm on my way.
I tell her I'll call her from the car.
I grab my keys on the way out. I call Joe. Hey I gotta go it's Leah she is in an awful state.
Go man I got this place covered.
I jump in the car dial her number but she doesn't answer. Fuck I shout.
I drive as fast as I can until I reach her.
When I get there I call for her she doesn't answer. I search everywhere for her no sign of her or Erin. I start to panic. I run outside I stop one of the guards have you seen Leah.
Yeah she has gone down to the beach.
I run as fast as I can please let her be OK I pray. I feel my heart racing.
I look up and down but don't see her.  I run left praying I've made the right choice. 
I run for about 2 mins when I spot her.
Leah stop I call. She does as I say.
She has Erin in her carrier.
She looks awful.
Hey hey what's wrong Leah.
I can't get him out of my head Tom. He is there all the time.
I put my arms around her.
I know Leah but he can't hurt you he is dead. Please come home with me and we can talk.
Tom I really thought he was going to kill me. I can still feel him on me trying to prise my legs apart. Tom I don't know if I can stay here or be near the club. Thats OK Leah we can move back to the apartment or your house.
No I think I need to get out of Dublin for a bit.
Ok let's go whatever you need baby.
What about the club.
Leah don't worry about that I can work from home and head to Dublin for meetings.
Tom what if I can't give you what you need. Leah you and Erin are all I need.
You say that now Tom, but in 3 months will you still feel the same.
Leah you where made for me and only me.
Tom how can you say that everything turns to chaos with us.
I know it seems like that Leah, but it's only the universe showing us we are truly mean't to be.
Why after all these years would you get pregnant by me and not Josh if we weren't meant to be.
Leah I won't give up on us. You are it for me and if I don't have you then there is no point to this world.
Tom don't say that
Why it's true Leah, if I can't have you and our daughter then I'm nothing. All this heartache was for nothing.
Let's head to Galway, we can talk through this but Leah you need to talk to someone about this.
It's not healthy.
Ok she whispers.
Tom please keep our location to yourself I don't want anyone knowing where we are.
If that's what you want?
It is
Ok let's go pack.
Thanks Tom.
I go to put my arm around her but she flinches so I don't.
This is not going to be easy.
My heart is broken. She is destroyed an it's all my fault.
She is a shell of the woman i went away with it.
We pack our things and Erin's stuff.
I pack the car and head to the main house to tell ivor. He tries to tell me give it time but I think this could be the end of us. Tom she just needs time.
I don't know Ivor I think I've lost her.
I turn and leave my heart is crushed but I can't let her see. I need to be strong for her.
She has put Erin in the car and climbs in beside her.
She doesn't want me near her.
I'm not sure I blame her.
I climb in and look in the mirror ready.
She just nods.
I drive away in silence. Its going to be a long drive.
My hands grip the stirring wheel so tight to keep me from exploding.
This isn't how it was suppose to be. Eric finally got his way he has destroyed her she will never recover. And if she ever finds out clare helped Eric find her. She will never trust anyone again.
I can barely look at Clare for what she has done. After everything Leah did for her and her family. She is lucky she is still walking around. This time away will give her time to leave without Leah stopping her.
It took everything Joe had not to kill her. This has broken him.
How could she betray all of us. She begged Joe to believe her that she loved him and Eric had threatened her family again.
But Joe couldn't she had caused this and he would never forgive her. Joe also wasn't himself. He was angry getting into fights with staff and anyone who stepped out of line in the club.
He wouldn't talk to me, Leah wouldn't talk to me . I fucking hate this. I needed to release my anger and I needed to release it soon.
Leah is a sleep in the back of the car she looks peaceful.
I try change my thoughts. I try calm down.
She doesn't need me losing it.
She needs stability I keep driving to my grandparents house.
We pull up she is still asleep. I take Erin in and place her down. I head back to Leah she is still snoring. I unbuckle her and lift her out. She curls into me. I miss her warmth it soothes me. I carry her to the bedroom and as I lay her down she mumbles I love you. I kiss her head and whisper I love you too.
I head back to Erin she is due a feed. And will scream the place down if she doesn't get it.
I grab the bags in and set up for Erin. I have the travel cot set up when she starts to give out. I take her up and fed her she is so beautiful her face is changing she is becoming more active. After her bottle I take her out back. Flash backs of the last time I was here with Leah run through my mind. She was so free here. Hopefully we can get some of that freedom back. I look at Erin and think this is probably where you were conceived little lady. I sit back and close my eyes  allowing the memories to fill my mind. Leah walking naked to the beach. Me fucking her hard over and over again. That night in the restaurant when she ran off. That was when I knew she was made for me. Fuck the memories are causing the beast to come alive. Erin is snoring  again I bring her in and set her down in her travel cot. I carry the bags upstairs Leah is still asleep. I head to the bathroom to have a shower. I need to release some tension from the beast. I turn the shower on and climb in. The water feels so good. Again the images of Leah on her knees sucking the beast flash across my mind. I slowly tug him savouring each memory. I don't hear the door open until she is behind me. Need some  help. I freeze not sure what to do. She steps around me trailing her fingers down my skin.
This must be a dream. She looks at me don't look so scared I want to. Are you sure I say not really sure we should.
She bends down and places her hand on mine to remove it from the beast. She licks her lips and the beast grows in stature. She swipes her tongue over the tip that's already to burst. I moan a deep throaty moan as she takes him in her mouth. Her movements are like heaven I hold onto the wall afraid to touch her incase it freaks her out. She is sucking it harder and more ferociously than usual. She stops and looks up at me fuck my dirty mouth daddy. I nearly explode in her mouth. I'm not sure that's a good idea baby. Fuck my mouth I said. Leah I think we should stop. No she says diving on to my cock and sucking again. She holds on to my ass as she tries to take him fully. Her eyes staring up at me pleading to fuck her mouth. I try to ignore her looks but can't I can never say no to her. Okay baby but stop if you think it's to much. She nods up at me. I grab her hair and make a fist and start pushing her head down deeper she takes him fully and begins to work her magic. I pray this shower never ends. I can feel the beast ready to explode. When she pulls him out.
Fuck me hard daddy. I don't know Leah again she orders me to do as she says. The beast is like shut up fool and fuck that pussy.
I slide my hand between her legs and flick the bean first. She moans out. I bend down to kiss her but she turns her head. I freeze and remove my hands. Leah we are not doing this.
Tom just fuck Me.
No I say turning off the shower.
I'm pissed off now.
Tom fuck me I said.
No I won't do it Leah.
I climb out and grab a towel.
Why Tom she shouts.
Leah if you can't kiss me I can't fuck you.
I walk out and head to check on Erin she is fine.
Leah follows me naked she is mad.
Are you fucking serious Tom i need to feel you inside me. Leah I won't do this until you can kiss me without recoiling. Now help me make dinner instead. She just stares at the floor.
And I see tears fall. You don't want me anymore just say it. I'm damaged now.
I'm damaged goods.
What are you talking about Leah.
This is your chance to run Tom. Take it.
Why would I run Leah?
And why do you think your damaged goods?
Because of him and what he did. Leah firstly you will never be damaged goods. And what do you think happened that night?
I don't know Tom she cries.
I walk to her and take her in my arms. Leah we need to talk about this. Bottling it up is destroying us. Let's get dressed and make dinner. We can talk then. Leah you are my life I mean that and I will do what ever it takes to fix this. Okay she whispers and follows me to the bedroom.
We get dressed in silence and walk to the kitchen I put on some music.
And go the fridge fully stocked good thing I rang ahead.
What will we cook chef I say to Leah.
She walks to the fridge and looks. How about sheppards pie. I smile remembering it was our first meal here. Prefect I say.
I will chop the onions and mushrooms and peel the potatoes. Ok she smiles ill just check on Erin first. Ok I say as leaves the room. I start the task in hand trying to think of ways to help Leah. She needs to speak to a professional but she needs to know what happened that night. She appears to have blocked it out whether it's from shock or trauma I don't know. But she needs to deal with it all and the sooner the better.
I'm lost in my thought's when she returns with Erin in her arms. Someone left mummy a surprise in her nappy. She must be starting to teeth'd she is abit flush looking. I walk over to the press and take out the pain relief for babies. Might be worth giving her some now and then before bed.
Yeah I think so or we could be in for a long night. We'll if she doesn't settle I'll  take her down so you can rest. Hopefully it will be fine.
She sits her in the highchair I found in a press. My grandmother must have kept it from when I was a child. It was pretty old like most things here. We give Erin her medicine and some crackers to keep her happy. Leah has the potatoes on while i return to the veg. She is frying off the mince beef and starts to sing along to the radio. It's like it was before she seems calmer. I walk over with the vegetables and place them beside her. She looks up at me and whispers I'm sorry. Leah you don't have anything to be sorry about. I do Tom,I've been pushing you away because I can't deal with my thoughts and emotions.  Leah what happened that night is not your fault you do know that. A tear rolls down her cheek. Tom I don't remember what happened and it scares me. If I unlock it I might never be the same again.
I know leah but you need to get it out. You need to let go of it. It's eating you up inside and killing you. You need to face it head on so you can move on if not for yourself but our daughter. She needs you.
I know Tom, maybe we will talk after dinner when Erin is in bed. Ok we will see how your feeling.
We continue with dinner as we try to entertain our daughter who is becoming quite demanding of our attention. Her little chuckles as we play peek a boo with her melts my heart. When dinner is In the oven I lift her out and carry her outside to listen to the birds and play with her daddy. Leah sits and watches me talk to our little girl as she babbles back. I'm asking her who is daddy's little girl. When she says dada. I stop in stunned silence. I look at Leah who is smiling did she just say and before I can say it. Erin says dada again. Yes I'm your dada little one. A tear slips out of my eye with pride love and every other emotion I never knew I would feel at the sound of my daughter calling me for the first time.
Leah comes and sits with us. Who is a clever girl hey did you just break your daddy. I laugh she sure did. I look at Leah. I never thought I'd be a father ,I was always afraid to be one.
Afraid why Tom?
Because of my parents the way they were.
Your not them Tom
Promise me that you will never take her from me Leah.
I couldn't face losing you both.
I could never take Erin from you Tom.
And what about you Leah?
I'm going nowhere Tom.
Is that a promise I say she leans in a kisses me. Its the first time since that night. Its just a soft kiss but I still worry as she doesn't promise me. I don't push it as we are having a family moment. I'll go check on dinner she says leaving me with Erin.
Things are not right no matter how much she tries to say they are. I think I've finally lost her, I can feel the distance that is between us. And I don't think I can fix it.