Unknown Desire

Acceptance

I lie staring at the wall, trying to take in that i may not have anymore kids. I don't know how to feel or what to think. I feel like I've just lost another part of me. I feel why am I being punished again. Am I not a good person. Am I not deserving of good things.
There is a knock on the door, probably Tom coming to check on me. I was pretty shitty to him. I know he will blame himself for this.
How can things go from so good to so bad.
Fucking Eric!
There is another knock, come in I say.
It's Ivor not Tom, he must have left.
Hi Leah how are you feeling?
I could be better I say.
Leah I heard the news, how are you holding up. A tear slides down my cheek. Leah it will all be okay. I know surgeons who can help. You still have a working ovary it's still possible to have more children. I know just slimmer chance of actually getting pregnant. There are always ways Leah. You where going to start Ivf with Josh when you thought you couldn't have children.
And now you have a beautiful daughter. Things can seem like all hope is gone, but miracles happen everyday.
I guess so Ivor.
Leah you haven't had the easiest journey,but you are a strong woman. Don't let this consume you, it will ruin the little miracle you have at home waiting to see her mama.
And Tom is in a pretty bad way over this.
Where is he?
I had to lock him in a room.
Why,what did he do?
He went and found Eric and beat the shit out of him.
Where is he?
Leah he is OK he just needs to calm down.
Ivor take me too him, Leah you can't get out of bed you have just had surgery.
Ivor take Me to him now.
OK let me get a wheelchair at least.
He goes out and comes back with a wheelchair and a nurse.
The nurse doesn't look happy.
You really need to rest and not be running around.
I won't be running so don't worry I snap.
They help me into the chair. And Ivor wheels me out. The nurse tells him I need to be back in bed in no more than 30 minutes.
He agrees.
We roll up to the room Tom is locked in.
Leah I must warn you he is in a bad way.
Eric threatened to come for Erin. He lost it.
It's ok just let me in.
He unlocks the door and wheels me in Tom is sitting looking out the window. He doesn't appear to hear us. Ivor leaves me with Tom.
I wheel myself over to him. Tom are you ok. He looks up at me, Leah you shouldn't be out of bed.
I know, but I heard what happened are you ok?
He looks at me, Leah how can you be asking me if I'm ok after what I told you.
Because I love you Tom, and I want  to make sure you are ok.
How can you love me Leah, I've turn your world upside down. I've ruined you.
Tom, let's get something straight here I'm not ruined. Right I might not be 100% but I'll be OK in a few weeks. 
I'm sorry Leah, I didn't mean that. I just mean't how can you look at me after what Eric has done to you.
Again listen to what your saying  what Eric did to me, not you, Eric. Also I didn't help the situation.
Tom look at me, do you want out?
He doesn't answer.
Because I don't, I know it's not going to be easy but I want to try. I want us to try work through it for our daughter she deserves that much. I deserve you to try.
Leah there are things you don't know about me. Well then tell me Tom. I'm going nowhere.
Stop running away from your past and own it Tom.
Leah what if you resent me for not being able to have anymore children.
Tom, it will be tough but we will get through it together. I never thought I could have children. And then you gave me Erin. So I consider myself lucky and if she is our only child so be it.
Tom I will not let Eric destroy us I told you before I'm in this, I don't blame you for any of this.
So forgive yourself Tom.
So I'm going to ask you again, Tom are you in this or are you not.
Of course I'm in Leah,I love you so much. I can't bare the thought of anything happening to you Leah.
There is alot to discuss. But I need to you go back to bed now and heal.
Only if you promise to come with me.
He stands and bends down to me. Leah I promise I'll do better every day, I'll work to be the best I can for our family. That's all I ask Tom.
And I promise to do the same. I love you.
He bends down and kisses me. Ivor knocks on the door. They are looking for Leah to go back. OK Tom says we will be right there.
Are we all good here.
As good as we can be Tom says.
Ivor I'm sorry for my behaviour. Tell the hospital I'll pay for the damage I've caused them. Don't worry I've sorted it. Just want to make sure your done,so I don't have to buy the hospital.
Funny Tom says sarcasticly.
Right let's get Leah back to her bed. Tom wheels me back,the nurse is waiting to check me over. I lift her into bed. She is tired and needs to rest. I kiss her head and tell her to sleep. I sit beside her and watch as she falls asleep. She looks so peaceful.
I think about the events of the day. I should never have left the apartment. I reach into my pocket and take out a box. I open it and stare at it. It's my grandmother's engagement ring. I was going to give it to Leah to show her she means the world to me. I close the box. I can't believe Eric escaped and tried to kill Leah, my blood begins to boil again just thinking about it. I was so close to killing him. Thank god Ivor stopped me. I need to be honest with Leah about the rage and the panic attacks. I need to tell her how fucked up I am. I think it's the only way we can move forward. She says she loves me, but will she once she knows the monster that lies beneath.
There is a knock on the door it's Joe. He has brought a bag for leah.
How is she, she is Okay considering. How are you, Ivor has filled me in on what happened.
Joe I came so close to actually killing him. I don't know if I trust myself anymore.
Tom, listen to me and listen good.
Forget Eric ever existed.  Work on being a family with Leah and your daughter. Go back to therapy, do anger management. Do whatever it takes to make it work. Leah will support you every step of the way as will I and everyone else.
You deserve happiness, Leah deserves it.
So just open up and tell her what your hiding because the fear of her leaving  you will become reality if you don't tell her. Secrets don't keep Tom, they always come out.
She loves you, so let her in.
Let me in where, Leah has woken.
I look worried how much has she heard.
Joe leans in and kisses her head. She smiles, hey big guy how are you?
I'm okay,more worried about you to be honest.
No need I will be okay in a few days.
How is my little girl?
Missing her mammy and daddy, so do as your told so you can get back to her.
Yes sir.
Joe , thank you for today. If you hadn't of shown up I'm not sure what would have happened.
Let's not think about that,we are all OK and that's all that matters.
No she is right Joe, thank god you arrived when you did. Your the glue that keeps this family together.
Stop it,I don't do soppy emotions.
Right so I have news from Ivor. Eric has been moved and ivor has been on to some people and he is being deported out of the country he is been sent back to Belgium.where he will serve the 25 Years sentence he got here plus an extra 5years for today. He also will be charged and sentenced for his other warrants. Eric will more than likely never see freedom again. He is already 50.
I wouldn't like to get on the wrong side of Ivor, he has some serious power to be able to sort all this.
So Leah you never have to worry about him again.
Joe I don't know if I'll ever stop worrying if he can escape today. He can escape anywhere.
Trust me Leah, where he is going isn't a holiday camp like Mount joy. Its more like alcatraz and Fort knox.
I know Joe, I think it will be a long Time before I feel safe again.
Well Leah, we are all here to support you. Whatever it takes to get you through this.
Now let's change the subject. I have someone here to see you. I'll be back in a minute. Joe comes back in carrying Erin. I start to cry my little girl. Tom helps me sit up as Joe places her in my arms.
Right I'm going to go check on the club with Clare. We will be back in an hour to collect her. Her bag is at the door.
Thank you Joe, you are a real life hero.
No I'm just here to look after my family.
He leaves us to be a family.
Leah is still weeping as she kisses our little girl. I go sit beside her on the bed.
Are you okay?
Tom I really thought I'd never see her again.
I know Leah, I thought the same about you.
I kiss her head and take a moment to take in our family.
Ugh Daddy, your daughter has a gift for you the smell fills the room.
Lovely, how can one little girl poo so much.
He takes Erin, now little girl princesses don't poop like men. You need to be more lady like.
I smile listening to Tom talk to her. I realise I don't need anything else in the world just what I have right here.
He changes her and continues to talk to her. Where is daddy's little peanut,yes I'm talking to you. You are daddy's little peanut. Yes you are.
I never in a million years would believe I'd see Tom like this. Soft and mushy it's nice. But I still prefer the stern dominant side.
He brings her back to me and she is wide awake taking in the world. I smile at her you have ruined your daddy and you know it. He is a puddle of mush over you. Less of the mush mama, I'm a manly man.
Listen Leah, I want you to know I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this all right and get us back on track. You and Erin are my priority.
Thank you,I say. But Tom you can't keep running away from whatever it is that is burdening you.
Leah,when I was younger I told you about my parents. Well they messed me up in the head so much. That I was awful to people. I was rude I was aggressive. I wasn't the man you know.
I treated women awfully. Like they were there to be used and discarded. If things didn't go my way I'd destroy it.
I was so angry all the time.  I'd fight with anyone just to feel any sort of emotion. Joe's father introduced us into this world and I found that I liked it. His dad pushed me and Joe to be like him. Joe hates his father. He treated Joe and his mother awfully. He would be abusive and beat his mother up when she wouldn't live up to his rules. Joe's mother drank herself to death because of his father. I never seen any of this. I just thought Joe didn't like his father as he was strict.  But the more I was around Joe's father the more I seen. And I knew I didn't want to be like him. But the rage I felt from my own childhood lingered. And would raise its head in certain moments. One night we were at a club and Joe's dad turned up he was drunk and being abusive to Joe. Calling him allsorts . Telling him he was weak like his mother. The lady he was with Asked him to stop but he turned on her and started beating her up for embrassing him in front of people he knew. Joe tried to stop him but he hit him so hard he nearly knocked Joe out. I seen red and beat him to an inch if his life. I couldn't stop myself even when he was unconscious. I kept hitting him. He hurt my friend my family and I couldn't stop. Eventually Joe and security pulled me off him. But if they hadn't I would have killed him. Leah today was the same with Eric  I wanted to kill him and didn't care if I went to prison. If ivor wasn't there I'm sure I would have killed him.
Leah I worry I won't be able to control it. I'm worried ill hurt you in the process. And now we have Erin.
Is this the reason you said you didn't want kids Tom.
Partly plus I was afraid I'd ruin them the way my parents did me.
Tom you are not your parents and you only reacted the way anyone would if someone they loved was being attacked. Tom if I had been left with Eric today I would have killed him. I wanted to kill him the day he told me he killed Josh.
We all have those moments Tom.
I'm not afraid of you nor am I afraid you will hurt me or Erin. I see how you look at her Tom. I believe you would kill for her but then so would I.
So don't be so hard on yourself.
Tom you need to be honest with me no secrets ever. And we will go see a therapist together if that's what it takes.
Just include me in the decisions and we will be fine. Don't try control everything.
We will be fine, we have good friends to support us.
Leah, how did I get so lucky to find you. The same way I got lucky the night I found you.
He bends down and kisses me. Never leave me Leah, my heart wouldn't take it again.
I promise, to never leave you.
Joe and clare arrive back, they have some food and are ready to take care of Erin again.
I'm so grateful to them both .
We will see you again in a few days clare says as she waves goodbye.
I try to convince Tom to head home with them but he won't leave my side.
We sit and talk all night.
We discuss our fears and thoughts. About our families and before we know it is morning. Tom you really should get some sleep. I will when we are home safe and sound. The doctors are around checking on me and think I will be able to leave tomorrow. I smile thank god. I hate the hospital. We will be staying with ivor for a few days to make sure Eric is out of the country completely. But I'm not sure I want to return to the apartment. I need to talk to Tom. He hasn't stopped fusing.
The Doctors leave, so home tomorrow I say. Well we will go to Ivors for a few days just to be sure before we go home. About that Tom, I'm not sure I can go back to the apartment after what happened.
Do you want to go back to your place instead. We can't exactly turf Clare and her family out so no I don't think it's an option.
Tom smiles at me, what I say.
Well it's a good thing I've been looking around because I've found a house near Ivor that would be prefect for us.
Tom what did I say about trying to control things .
Leah I've booked a viewing that's all if your not happy we can look else where. I just thought it would be nice to be closer to to ivor and Natasha.
Good for you to have a friend.
We are not buying anything until we both agree. Plus I'm going to sell the the holiday house in wexford to put towards it. Leah that's not necessary.  Tom I won't be a kept woman. You won't be Leah. You are your own woman. Even when we marry you will have your own money Leah. I don't ever want to put you in the situation my mother was in with my father.
That's good Tom because I plan to return to work.
Leah what about Erin. Tom just because I have a child doesn't mean I'm going to stay home all day cooking and cleaning.
OK how about this how about you work part time.
Tom I will think about it. At the minute I just want to get out of here and start enjoying my daughter without having to look over my shoulder.
OK let's take it one day at a time.