Estateillio

Sívcelumë

· "Where is Líriel?", Estateillio asked after they sat down and Sívcelumë smiled and said: "She has been called to compose a lament for Mithrandir." And the younger elleth nodded, frowned and blinked away invisible tears. "How did he fall?", the elder asked calmly, expectantly.

· "We went through Moria", Estateillio began haltingly, "because it was the only way left. The South was watched and Caradhras would not let us pass, going North again would cost too much time. And so we went to the doors and we opened them and... they were dead, all of them, the whole population of Khazad-Dûm slaughtered by goblins. We searched for threats, but there were none and so we agreed to following the plan. It wasn't much of a danger, we thought, we could warn them in time and get away should we be discovered. And then there was that beast in the lake, a watcher, and it drove us into the mines, no turning back, lest we die."

· And she took a shaky breath and continued: "We quickly realized that there was a balrog deep down, we think that it's been there for a long time and the hustle of the dwarves simply covered its presence. It was asleep and I and Mithrandir agreed to simply hurry and be quiet and to face it together should it wake. He asked me not to use magic, for it would draw the attention of Sauron and that's not something we wanted, the Nazgûl after us, knowing our location. It made sense, I have a bounty on my head after all and Gandalf doesn't and he knows that he could never convince me to join him, unlike Mithrandir. So I didn't when an unfortunate accident alerted the goblins and woke the balrog."

· Here she stopped, shuddered, and removed a strand that had fallen into her face. "The goblins we killed quickly, they were no challenge, but the balrog caught up to us and we, well, we decided to fight it, as we had agreed upon. We didn't really worry about it too much, we had fought so many balrogs that it was simply just another one of many. So we fought it and", she gestured towards her damaged vambrace, "that happened and then the great hall started collapsing. The balrog was buried beneath the debris, it would have just been dangerous to go in again and it was being crushed beneath the rocks, so we just thought that we could leave it there to die, while we saved ourselves. We left, headed for the exit and then realized that the balrog was, in fact, not dead and had somehow escaped the rubble and now chased after us. There wasn't really any space to fight, so we just ran and tried to escape it. It caught up with us at the bridge, Hráven suggested we destroy the bridge and push it into the abyss. Mithrandir took that task upon him."

· And Estateillio sighed and rubbed over her face. "We thought that he would do that like any sensible being would approach such fight. Lure the balrog onto the bridge, retreat, destroy it and all would be well. The first and the third one he did wonderfully, the second not at all. None of us know what came about him when he stayed on the bridge, at least he had the mind to only break the half he wasn't standing on, but still. And then... the balrog had damaged three pillars in the great hall, nothing that should have led to a total cave-in, but it happened, because there was this presence. I felt it, but I could not identify it. It led to Mithrandir's death, fissuring the rock and destroying the bridge. He fell because of that and his last words to me were: 'I cannot disobey their call'."

· And then she frowned as if realizing something and then added to her report: "He'd told me earlier that the Valar have been calling him to Valinórë and that he wished to deny their call as long as he could be of help. We have drawn our conclusions from that." And Sívcelumë frowned as well, gaze wandering as she thought. "You think that the Valar caused his death?", she finally stated and the younger elleth scoffed: "Was to be expected, wasn't it? It's just like them to avoid dire situations, leaving us to deal with the mess, with war and death." "The Istari were sent to aid the free people of Endórë in times like these, in the fight against the shadow. It would make little sense for them to withdraw them in times of need", the other objected. "Or they learned of Saruman's treachery and decided that they couldn't trust any of their servants on the hither shore anymore", Estateillio countered, raising an eyebrow.

· "Even though the Valar are fallible, they are not as bad as you paint them to be, wilini. They simply don't understand concepts like death and trauma so well, they are discarnate spirits after all", Sívcelumë reasoned and the other elf replied bitterly: "One would think that they'd at least understand that we are different to them and that death and trauma affects us more deeply. Didn't they claim once that they wanted to protect the children of Ilúvatar? They didn't do a great job with that."

· "Just because you cannot move on from their deaths, doesn't mean that others can't do the same", Sívcelumë stated calmly, finally seeing the reason her daughters-in-heart were so upset, "You need to let them go, nityar wilini."Estateillio bit her lip, frowned and failed to fight back tears. "But I can't", she finally cried, "I try, we try, all the time, to talk about them to only remember the good things, like thou hath advised us, but it doesn't work. We miss them terribly, every memory is like a punch to the gut and it just won't stop. It hurts and hurts and hurts, every death we witness, every fight we fight, every thrice cursed memory, it brings it all up again, the good memories, and with them comes this emptiness. And I can't-" the younger elleth stopped, choking on her tears and the elder took that as her cue, kneeling down besides her as she had done so many times before, hoping that they would finally make progress this time, and she wiped away the tears and hushed Estateillio: "Shhh, nityar wilini, it's alright, just cry and then you'll feel better." And the younger one clung to her mother-in-heart as tears flowed down her face.

· This was the third time they held this conversation about grief and Estateillio hoped. Humans had this saying after all: 'Third time's the charm.'

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Here's the next chapter, hope you enjoyed!

AT