tw: survivor's guilt and violence
Beyoncé
I've been in bed shivering even though the accident wasn't even major.
After I got into the crash at seven I had major car anxiety. I couldn't be awake in the car, my mom would have to give me a melatonin and blindfold me in order to go anywhere. Took me until 12 to age out of that.
I remember I insisted on going everywhere by bike before I finally decided to learn how to drive.
I biked in the rain, excessive heat, I learned to perseverar through all the climates. It wasn't until one of my bike tires gave out. I had no choice but to use a car.
It was worse when it came to learning how to drive. I'd speed if that meant I wouldn't end up next to a truck.
Matthew knew I got into a crash but still showed up today. Him and my mother are going at it in the living room and I long ago took my hearing aids off in order to hear less of it. Reminds me of when I was younger and he blamed everyone for Solange dying. All three of us were hurt having to bury my sister but he took it out on us as if I knew how to drive at the time. And he told my mom that she wasn't good for anything since she couldn't protect Solange. It Cassie's major survivor's guilt for me. Like maybe I should have leaped over and tried to do something.
I turn around in the bedsheets and try to get to sleep. It went from being me and my decision to the two of them just hashing it out.
He told me he was gonna stop paying for my education and I said okay. I'm probably gonna just pick up a trade and stay in Texas but I'm not fully sure.
My mama isn't disappointed, I'd cried to her countless nights so she knows and has been known. But she is disappointed that Matthew won't pay for it anymore over failing out a semester. She's paying for trade school though.
But him and I agreed to stop financing it. I have to make arrangements with Shawn about my stuff that's all the way in New York. That's if I decide to come back to Texas.
It's just been a chaotic three days.
I feel some thuds which makes my pulse go up to 1000, and go downstairs to see what that was after I put my hearing aids on.
I'm at the top of the staircase and I see Matthew try to fling a chair over his head towards my mama.
__________
Megan
I'm in my bedroom leaned up against the wall on my bed, twiddling my thumbs as my CD player plays some three 6 mafia on low volume. I sigh hard, looking to my phone to see if Beyoncé has answered any of my texts-- she hasn't.
I'm insanely worried. I'm starting to wonder if something happened.
I get up out of bed and try to find my mama. We're close and I usually go to her whenever I worry.
"Mama." I say as I walk into the kitchen.
She's making dinner while some old school jams play.
"Yeah, Meg?"
"Need help?"
"Hmm, what a beautiful offer, Megan. Yes."
I wash my hands and do whatever she tells me too, which is seasoning the meat she already cut and cleaned.
Since I was younger she and I would cook in the kitchen and do everything together. It's nice how she always finds time for us. Jordyn doesn't like to hang out with her though because she's going through a phase where she doesn't like to be around family, but I love hanging out with my mama. I always have.
She thankfully already has the seasonings laid out and tells me how much of what to put in. I listen tentatively.
"How you and yo' lil girlfriend been?"
I shrug while smiling real hard, "good."
"Oooouuu." My mama hoots real loud as she starts checking on the pasta.
I don't know what Beyoncé is doing to me. Got me smiling while I'm tryna help with dinner. I hope she's okay.
Jordyn arrives to the kitchen and starts trying to open the cabinet right next to my head without saying "excuse me" and I deliberately get in her way.
"Girl, what the hell?"
"Shut the hell up, Megan. Move!"
"Hell Naw, not with that tone." I push her with my hip.
I'm serious I will fight her with hands full of seasonings powder.
"Y'all can chill out please."
Jordyn and I just glare back and forth at each other. She tries to go for the cabinet again but I block her way.
"Girl, I'm hungry, if you don't move."
"Jordyn, you might as well wait. We almost done with this cooking."
Mama left the kitchen to go get something real quick so when she comes back she just sighs in annoyance.
_______
It's after dinner and I've helped clean up and hung my clothes in my closet.
I turn around and see Jordyn laying in my bed.
"Aye, whatchu doing?"
"I can't wanna hang out with my sister?"
"You are so two faced." I shake my head and sit on my bed next to her. "Is something going on?"
"Nah."
Jordyn tries to turn some music on on my CD player.
"How's yo' lil girlfriend?"
"Ion know."
"Fuck you mean yo' 'on know." She shifts to lay on her side. "Y'all broke up or something?"
"Nah, she just dropped me off on Sunday and I ain't heard from her since."
"Go to her house then."
"No, what if she's busy?"
Jordyn raises her brow. She's always been the risky type so I'm not sure if I should trust her ideas.
"That's yo' girl. Something's up. You don't stop talking to your chick out of nowhere."
I feel like Jordyn came here to make me anxious and shit when I don't need that in my life. I don't know, that's just how I feel.
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Thoughts?
