50 Shades of Drake 1 and 2

50SOD II: Chapter Forty-Four

    Aubrey studied her while the muscle in his jaw clenched and unclenched. With a question burning to leave his mouth, but he almost didn't want to know the answer. He dropped his gaze down and stared at the floor. "What are you saying?"

    "I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying."

    He closed his eyes.

    "I just...I would have never thought I could like something like that," she said finally. "And now, knowing I liked it, I just...I feel like I'm changing. As a person. Into something that I don't like."

    "So...where does that leave us?" His voice almost cracked. He was trying his best to maintain his composure, trying his best not to look or sound like a frightened little boy. But in this moment, as he waited for her to respond, he was the most scared he had ever been in his life.

    She moved closer to him. Her toes moved into view. Cute little toes with silvery pink-painted toenails. Her movements were slow as she knelt down to the floor. "I signed a contract with you specifying a timeframe for you and I to be together. If you make me, I will fulfill that contract with you. But...I think that right now, what we need is some time apart. And I am asking you, the man who I love and the man who loves me, to give me that time, even though I signed a contract with you."

    "You want to leave me?" he sounded broken. He sounded needy. Clingy. Even to himself. And he hated it, hated how needy he sounded. Although he hated it, he couldn't stop his voice from sounding desperate.

    "I don't want to leave you," she insisted. "I just need time away from you."

    "Time for...what, exactly?" he asked her.

    "Just...time to be on my own-"

    "Time to decide whether or not being with me is worth feeling dirty?" he pressed. "Time to decide whether or not you can handle being with me?"

    She stuttered and in the end, gave up trying to get the sentence out.

    He clasped his hands together and stared down at them. "I have opened up to you more than I've opened up to any other woman since Robyn. I fell in love with you before I even knew how to speak the words, before I was even able to admit to myself that love was real." He finally shifted his eyes over to her. "I pushed you too hard tonight. I understand that."

    "But you want to go back there," she told him. "And if I'm the girl who stays with you, I would be the one going with you. I...I need time to process if that is something I can keep doing."

    "You liked it. Why wouldn't you?" he asked, genuinely curious.

    "Because I'm not supposed to like things like that," she said, sitting back on her haunches.

    "Why not?" he demanded. "Because society doesn't put it into the storyline of the shows they air on Fox or the WB? Because you don't read articles about it in People magazine?"

    "Aubrey," she pleaded softly.

    "It's the weekend and you're under contract," he reminded her.

    She blinked at him. "I'm...sorry. I meant, Sir."

    "No, tell me," he said, his voice sounding strained. "What would make this lifestyle okay for you to like? What would make it acceptable to you? Whose approval do you need?"

    She pursed her lips shut.

    "If you like something, you like it. As long as you're not hurting anyone else, there's nothing wrong with that." He paused, racking his brain for a way to convey the message he was trying to get out. "You made love to me with a room full of people watching. But you were making love to me. Not a stranger. I wasn't swapping you with anyone. I never would, I told you that."

    "You just felt like you needed people to watch us, to be reminded that I belong to you and only you," she said quietly. "My word wasn't enough for you."

    He stood up abruptly, looking down at her with hard eyes. "Don't do that."

    She stood up too, still gripping the two ends of her towel. "Don't do what?"

    "Don't play the victim with me."

    "Isn't that what it comes down to?" she asked him. "I told you that I loved you, that I didn't kiss Brian back, and you still needed to drag me off to that place. Just to have some twisted form of visual proof that I still belonged to you. So a bunch of strangers could see that you owned me."

    He stared at her long and hard. Anger and frustration was building beneath the surface. Anger at Brian for kissing Destiny and starting this intense series of events. Anger at himself for his twisted need to have sex with Destiny with a crowd of onlookers. Anger at himself for not being normal enough for her. "So how long would you want to spend apart from me?"

    "I don't want to spend time apart from you. I just feel like it's needed," she clarified. "And I don't know how long."

    "Weeks?" he asked. "Months?"

    "I don't know...a few weeks, maybe?"

    He shook his head. I don't like this. I don't like the idea of her being apart from me, not now. Not after another man kissed her, and not when she will see that man five days a week. "A part of me wants to grant you the time," he said slowly while still gathering his thoughts. "But at a time like this, when my company is coming under attack and when I've just opened up my entire heart to you, I'm already making a huge sacrifice by spending time with you only on the weekends. I need you right now. Plain and simple."

    Her brow creased.

    "So...while a part of me would like to grant your wish, your request is denied. You signed a contract. You will honor it. If you need time to think about whether or not I'm worth your time, or whether or not I'm too 'dirty' for you, that is something you can do in your down time. When you're up there with Carlos on the weekdays."

    She frowned. "But-"

    "No buts," he interrupted, his voice stern. "It's not my fault that you weren't more specific in the contract. You were able to list the acts you would and would not do."

    "Because the thought never occurred to me that having sex in front of a ton of people was something that would be asked of me," she said defensively.

    "That's not my problem," he returned curtly with an arched brow.

    She looked pain-stricken, but was quiet.

    He hated being this way with her. This wasn't the first time. It felt like she was attacking his character: who he was as a person, his interests, his preferences. While he loved her, he couldn't stand for his lifestyle being ridiculed or made out to be some filthy, disgusting thing. Still, the look on her face and knowing he was the one to put it there was enough for his heart to break a little. "This is selfish of me. I know. I should just give you the time away from me, right?"

    A tear slid down her cheek.

    "But I can't, Destiny. Okay? I can't."

    "Why not?" she whispered.

    "Because..." He stopped himself and looked away from her. Just tell her. Be honest. Speak your feelings. It's what she wants. He felt his throat closing up and he rolled his eyes heavenward. "Because...I feel like if I let you go, you won't come back to me. And...I couldn't take that. Okay? I couldn't."