A/N: I'm trying to get back in the flow of writing again. I feel as though my writing used to sound and flow a lot better. It's probably been about 2 years since I've written anything so you'll have to bare with me.
Also, I'm skipping the main miscarriage part/passing of the the baby (if you get what I mean). I don't think I would be able to write about such a sad moment. I also don't want to romanticize it, nor trigger anyone.
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The doctor had sent you home, with nothing but well wishes and an ultrasound with one less angel pictured. It had been a few weeks since it happened, since your heart was ripped apart. It had been hard to stay strong for the baby that was still with you. You wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and stay in bed for days, and yet you had to eat and drink and do normal things so as to stay healthy. It wasn't fair. Nothing about it was fair.
Sarah had been distant since it happened. You assumed she was just sad, she was mourning and that she would be back by your side again soon. You missed her. You missed her touch, her voice, the way she would make you feel safe and secure with just one touch.
"Sarah? Are you okay?"
You had been trying to talk to Sarah for days, at first you had tried to talk to her about the miscarriage, that maybe it would help her grieve better. But after Sarah failed to answer any of your questions, it soon moved to you just trying to make her talk to you at all, about anything. You heard her scoff at your question, sitting up in bed, facing the wall not even glancing your way.
"What kind of question is that?"
"What? What do you mean?"
You were confused. She sounded mad, she sounded angry with you. Surely she didn't think that this was your fault, right? You hadn't done anything wrong, you were sure. You had spent days analyzing every movement, every choice you had made. And yet nothing stuck out to you. Sarah remained silent, just staring at the wall, as if she wasn't really there at all.
"Sar... we have to talk about it"
"What if I don't want to talk to you about it?"
"And what does that mean?"
She finally spun around and looked at you. It felt like years since you had seen those eyes, those little pearls that had brought you so much happiness and love. But now they only held anger. You could see the sadness in there too, for you had studied those eyes for years, you knew Sarah's tells and how she carried her emotions.
"You lost our baby. Our poor baby. What am I supposed to say to you?!"
Ouch.
She knew how to hurt you. How to strike you when you were already on the ground, begging for her to help. It was harsh, and you weren't sure if she meant it. Any other day and you would think she was just angry and taking it out on you, but she had been locked away from you for weeks. You had no idea what she was thinking, how her brain had twisted the situation. Her words stung you like a wasp, viscous and meaningful. It hurt that she was blaming you. You were a couple, you were supposed to support one another, go through pain together. But Sarah was only pushing you away, making you feel worse than you already did. Maybe it was your fault. Maybe you should've done something different. You didn't know. Maybe Sarah knew, and that's why she was mad at you.
"I didn't mean to Sar, I don't know what I did so wrong"
You hands were sat in your lap, your fingers picking at your skin. You were so anxious, so nervous about how Sarah was talking to you. You leant forward trying to place a soft hand on Sarah's shoulder, but she moved away just before you could make contact. Shrugging you off, breaking your heart just a little bit more.
"Sar please." Tears were streaming down your face by now, you were sobbing in silence. Struggling to catch your breath, but you were staying as quiet as you could, not wanting to scare her away.
"I'm going out"
"Where are you going? Please stay"
"I need air y/n, I need time. Please"
You stayed sitting in bed, pleading Sarah with your eyes to just stay. To hold you once again, make you feel at home within her arms. You watched as she moved around the room, finding various items of clothing before slipping out the room. No goodbye. No 'I love you'. Nothing.
It was when you heard the front door open and close again that you allowed the tears to flow out, they were constant and unwilling to slow. You were broken. You didn't think you could be anymore depressed after losing your baby, and yet here you were. Wishing everything would just go away, that god would relent and just give you peace again.
You cried yourself to sleep after trying to stay up for her, it had been hours and Sarah had still not returned. You were worried. She hadn't called or texted, you had no idea where she was. You thought about calling friends to see if she was there, but you didn't want to intrude if she really was angry with you. You didn't know what was going to happen. If this was it for you both, if she had fallen out of love with you after you had lost her baby. Your mind was heavy as you drifted off.
It's was about 11pm when Sarah walked through the door. She felt guilty. She hadn't meant what she said, of course she didn't blame you, and yet she allowed the accusations to flow out of her. She didn't know why she had yelled at you, blaming you for the loss. She was so sad, so full of grief that she didn't know what to say to you. She just wanted to push you away, she didn't want you to touch her because then the would breakdown, she would lose it. She had to be strong for you, but instead she was harsh, she said things that had no meaning. She didn't know how you were going to forgive her. But she would try.
When she walked into your shared bedroom, she winced when she saw you. Curled into a ball, red eyes and water stained cheeks. She had done that to you. She was supposed to support you and instead she had broken you down. Belittling you, making you feel worthless and to blame for such a heartbreaking accident.
She walked over to you, discarding her jumper and shoes, so she remained in her joggers and bra. She yearned to hold you, to take away all your aches and pains, all the heartbreak. She pushed back the blanket and placed a warm hand on your cheek.
"Sweetheart? Y/n? Please wake up"
You woke to Sarah's soft voice. She was finally home to you. You were expecting more hurtful words, more grieve ridden accusations and pain. But all you heard was small sobs coming from the woman in front of you.
"Sar? What's wrong?"
You sat up and checked her over, looking up and down to see if she was hurt. You saw no injuries, just her small shaking body. You pulled her into a hug, finally feeling a wave of calm flow over your body. Being back in her arms again was unreal, it was like all your broken pieces were being pushed back together again. You both sat and cried for a while, finding comfort in each other arms.
"I'm so sorry y/n, I didn't mean it. I swear."
"Shhh. Sar it's okay, I know you didn't. It's okay."
You laid down with her in your arms once again. You knew everything would be okay as long as you had each other. She was your solace.
