She wasn't going to wake up. You kept telling yourself. You'd had enough of getting your hopes up and then have them all yanked away from you. You just had to accept that you'd never see those gorgeous eyes and glorious smile again. You didn't want to love in a world where Sarah wasn't, it wasn't right and it wasn't fair.
You had made your mind up.
You were going to do it.
You weren't sure how quite yet, maybe you'd sneak away some pills or maybe find a scalpel. Either way you were determined to escape to the other side. You had had enough. You were ready to go, and you knew sarah was. Each and every day you could feel her getting further and further away from you. And what's to say she'd want to be with you if she ever did miraculously wake? She would probably blame you for this, if you hadn't split up with her, if you hadn't shouted, got mad, she wouldn't be laying there- half alive.
So either way, whether she woke, or didn't, you didn't want to be here. No more. You'd always thought about it, ever since you were young. You grew up in a troubled family, with no parent that loved you, noone to turn to. It ate at you all the time. It didn't help that your bestfriend turned her back on you, then the other girls were mean. The words they spoke caused scars inside, and they still lingered. They still spoke to you in your worse times, pointing out every insecurity.
'Your thighs are too big'
'Noone will ever love you'
'Lose weight'
'You'll always be on your own'
It was mad really. They were slowly making you mad, but in this room, all on your own, their company was the one thing keeping you sane.
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@official_y/n: I miss you too much, I just want to be with you my love.
Goodbye
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You had got your hands on a scalpel from a nurses table across the hall. This was it. No turning back. You retreated to the bathroom and glanced at yourself in the mirror. You hadn't recognised yourself for a long time. There were bags under your eyes and your hair was unruly. You would be with sarah soon, you were sure of it. Only a little while to wait. This way you were sure of seeing Sarah again. Without the pain and anguish of being stuck in those 4 walls.
You traced along the lines that already graced your arms. The familiar smell of iron filled the room and the feeling of relief flooded through your veins. It had been so long since you had done this, yet it almost felt normal. The blade finally ran over where you had never dared to cut before. You had always been a coward, never cutting there for fear you'd never wake up. You didn't have that fear anymore, you welcomed it.
Just for a minute the pain was gone. You heard the knife dropping to the floor like it was a thousand miles away and it echoed throughout the room, interrupting the euphoria you were enjoying in that moment. You felt ugly as you watched the blood seep through the bathroom carpet, it's aroma filling the air and slipping into your nostrils. The oh-so familiar smell sent you on a high, and you welcomed it. You welcomed the pain and the joy all in one go. The blade laid innocently on the floor and it grinned up at you. You'd like to say that you missed the feeling, the sting, the smell; but truly you knew you didn't, that you'd let yourself down and Sarah. Your hands fell behind you as you slipped slowly to the cold bathroom floor below, everything was in slow motion; it was taking so long. It was on your clothes now, the redness, the relief. It was seeping into the fresh white colour of your shirt. It was ironic really, the pure being attacked by the evil, the thing that lived inside your mind and body. Your eyes were rolling, to much to control anymore, the feeling of no control was what really triggered you; the loss of sensation and pain. You felt nothing, no pain, no sadness, just numbness; and it felt so good, so satisfying.
"Y/n?! Where are you?! God damn it, you better not-"
Lily felt miles away, her voice muffled.
"Oh god y/n what have you done! I need a doctor in here now!"
"No- please Lily. I can't do this anymore, just let me go"
"No y/n, you don't understand-"
"I do, shes not coming back lils"
"She already has... you can't go, not now, not like this"
This had to be a joke.
"N-no..."
"Yes y/n, shes right over there, waiting to see you"
The pain you suddenly felt seared through your body and it didn't feel good anymore. You wanted to fight now, the monsters couldn't win, not now. Not now you have everything you've ever wanted. You squeezed Lilys hand.
"That's it, stay awake for me"
The doctors rushed in and surrounded you, your eyes were drooping and getting heavier with every second. They wrapped your wrists, and each movement caused pain to shoot straight through you. A sob escaped lily's mouth, and someone elses, but you couldn't quite work out who it was. Groans were pulled from your own mouth.
