Sarah was alive.
But not awake.
That killed you the most.
You just wanted to hold her, tell her you were sorry, to kiss her. Tell her you love her. This was your fault. If you had just listened to her, not made such rash decisions, she wouldn't have been driving. The lorry wouldn't have swerved and hit her head on. She'd be awake. Talking to you.
You were losing your mind. Falling deeper and deeper into the fit of sadness that you were sure you had escaped years ago. The monsters were returning and you had no-one. They told you things about yourself that you hated. How you had caused this. How Sarah deserved so much better than you. How you should lose weight. That you need to stop eating, sleeping, drinking; because Sarah couldn't.
"Please Sarah- I need you to wake up now. I think I've been tortured enough, I can't do this without you. I won't make it, I can't. I'm so tired, I need to feel you, hear your voice. P-Please wake up!"
You grasped her hand and sobbed into her sheets again. You were thankful for the chair underneath you, your legs were weak and you were sure they wouldn't have been able to hold you up. You sobbed until you couldn't cry anymore. And then you slipped to the floor. You pulled your legs into your chest and wrapped your arms around them. Rocking in place, you looked crazy.
"Oh, y/n"
Lily's arms wrapped around your shaking form and held you tightly. Her hand flowed through your hair and tried to find comfort in her hold, even if it wasn't Sarah's.
"I can't do it Lily... I can't live anymore without her"
"Don't say those things y/n. Everything will be okay"
"No. No it won't. I'm nothing without her Lily, nothing! I can't live without her and the last thing she remembers is me ending things. What if she d-dies thinking that I hate her? I can't live with that"
Your breathing increased, and your hands shook, you could feel your heart in your throat. It was like bile was rising up, as if you were going to throw up any moment. You couldn't breathe, your chest was too tight and you couldn't get any air in or out. You reached out towards Lily, the feel of her skin grounded you a little. Sarah's touch used to ground you completely, just the sound of her voice calmed you down.
"Breathe y/n. That's it. In and Out. Calm down, everything is alright"
The machine next to you began to beep constantly, it made your heart raise even more. The few times you've heard one of the machines beeping it's because her heart had stopped. Breaking yours in the process everytime, leaving you holding onto the smallest bit of hope you could find that she'd pull through.
You were having a full-blown meltdown, there was no calming you down. Your vision blurred, as if you were seeing through a kaleidoscope, stars everywhere. You watched as doctors flooded in, running in slow motion and mute. The sweat ran down your back and you launched yourself towards the toilet. You hadn't eaten in a while, there was nothing to bring up other than water and stomach lining. It tore at your throat and just made you feel worse. You were so tired.
But then the bed moved slightly, and a groan could be heard and your body had never moved so fast.
"Y/n?"
"Sarah!! Oh my god, baby!"
You cried as you saw that sarah was awake, grabbing ahold of her hand as you spoke with just your eyes.
"Hey, stop those tears. I'm here now"
Her hand reached for your cheek, but before your skin could come into contact with hers, your body jolted forward and your eyes filled with darkness.
"Y/n? Come on, wake up...that's it"
"Sarah?"
"No sweetheart, its Lily"
You vision returned, and you were laid on the bathroom floor.
"What happened? Wheres Sarah? She was awake..."
"Oh babe, no, you collapsed on the floor. Her heart stopped, but they managed to revive her. Shes on the mend y/n but shes not awake yet"
This was a real life nightmare.
