My SpaceHey Kitten: A Riddlebat Story

Chapter 2: Alfredo helps me slide into his DMs

I needed vengeance. I was vengeance. The vengeance Gotham deserved. The hero, not the sandwich, Gotham deserved. The Batman. Also known as Bruce Wayne, have I mentioned my parents died yet? I am an orphan. I was also fatherless, not completely though I had Alfredo... I mean Alfred. Who raised me after my parents died. Just so you know they are dead. I was also emo, not because my parents died and I isolated myself with a butler in my secluded mansion after my parents died as I never had taken the time to process their deaths after they died (my parents) and never built the connections I needed as a kid because my parents died. It was just how I am, it had nothing to do with the fact my parents died. The aesthetic was just appealing. As I said nothing to do with no daddy.

But there I was... the Batman setting up a SpaceHey. It was part of my undercover mission. Recently an incel had been terrorizing Gotham, he went by the name of Riddler. I found a Reddit post pointing to his main base of operations on this website. Alfredo was beside me helping me set it up; he had a popular blog about parenting advice and raising emo teenagers, and I also needed parent or guardian permission. I was an orphan. Even as the Batman I faced struggles, particularly with the internet and its... culture. I didn't know about SpaceHey until a few hours prior and now there I was struggling to pick out a username. Alfredo had given me a guide on internet safety a while back after getting banned on Animal Jam after telling a child to "fuck off" because they tried to scam me over a trade request, I was just trying to bring them to justice. But reading was for nerds so I ignored it. 

The pressure of picking out a username was overwhelming. I was used to fighting crime and taking on multiple men (or women) at once. I was quite good at it actually... It was kind of what I did even though my parents died. I had to relax. I didn't put on music that much, but I decided it was worth a try. I only listened to a few bands, but you wouldn't know since they're kind of underground, like the Batcave, one of them was called Nirvana. I told you wouldn't know them. That was what I decided to listen to. I queued up the tunes, and I picked my favorite: Something in the Way.

With that I sat back down, sighing as I stared at the enter username option on SpaceHey. After moments of deep, pensive thinking like I always do, I typed in "Bruce Wayne". That was my name, after all.

"Master Bruce, you can't just put your real name if you're going undercover," Alfredo— I mean Alfred— said.

"Right," I growled (I growled a lot), then began typing "The Batman" until my butler advised against it. He didn't even let me use Vengeance. Bitch.

"Why don't you pick words to describe yourself, sir?", he suggested.

Hmmmmmmmm. That was actually not a bad idea. Let's see... Well, I was Batman. WAIT! No. I couldn't say that. What else, I was emo... and edgy... and I had these really thick arms. I typed in Batmannotfound, because I wasn't Batman right now. But Alfredo quickly shook his head no and gave a soft little plea. I deleted it...what other words... dark. Hmmmm. THAT'S IT! I quickly type in xXDark_Knight_Emo_Lord_69Xx. There: the perfect username. I turned to Alfredo. He cringed a bit and winced.

"Is this okay?" I asked.

"This is probably as good as we're going to get, Master Bruce," he replied in an irritated tone. He then shook his head and put his face in his hands. He just didn't understand.

"What else would it be?" I asked in a harsh tone.

"You're stuck with this username forever, sir...what if you don't relate to it in the future or grow out of this...this... phase."

"IT'S NOT A PHASE!" I shouted back and then hit enter.

Next, I had to design my profile. Since Alfredo kept telling me to not reveal myself as Bruce Wayne or Vengeance, I put "not batman" or anything similar every chance I could. No one would even guess I was Bruce Wayne now. Choosing the profile picture was the hardest part. With the help of my butler, we decided upon L from Death Note. If you couldn't tell, I tried modeling every aspect of myself after him (I wasn't a kinner). He was so emo and edgy and cool. The Riddler and I were like Light Yagami and L. I needed a Light Yagami in my life.

I clicked on the Riddler's profile. Wow, he was sure SpaceHey famous. He made it very clear that his mission was to eradicate the corruption in Gotham. My cursor hovered over the instant message option... I hesitated then clicked it.

How should I break the ice? I had no idea how to start a conversation with this man. I quickly opened DuckDuckGo and searched "icebreakers for talking to men". I scanned through my options, all this internet lingo. Luckily, Wikihow with images helped me understand. Still, I had no idea what it meant. I opened Urban Dictionary and searched "what is sliding into the dms". I was horrified.

"I'm interested in joining your movement" Sent. The Riddler immediately began typing. This man was chronically online.

"What do you think of Gotham's politicians and institutions?" he asked.

"they're totally corrupt i hate them. also ACAB" Alfredo taught me what ACAB was.

"They are truly corrupt. A disease, even. This corruption obviously extends to the rich elitists. What do you think of Bruce Wayne?"

This guy was definitely smart and hated rich people. I was rich, but I needed a response that he wanted to hear. I opened a new tab and found the Urban Dictionary. I searched teen phrases– the more about hating capitalism, the better. I found the perfect one.

"well i'm not him...but eat the rich," I replied.

"I concur. We share the same ideals. To prove your allegiance to my revolution, I have an assignment for you. Reply, unless you have any qualms."

This guy must have been a total loser with his advanced vocabulary. How could I take on one of his assignments as Vengeance? Before I could think of an answer, a white light caught the corner of my eye. The bat symbol illuminated the dark Gotham sky. How long had it been on? I must have lost track of time. I logged off and grabbed my motorcycle helmet and black eyeliner. As I was running out Alfredo called to me,

"Don't forget the lunch I packed for you, sir!"

Oh yeah. I love PB and Js, with the crust cut off (of course). He also included a carton of milk, I hope it was chocolate today. His SpaceHey was dedicated to packing lunches, it was really popular. He writes me little notes and shit and adds custom bat picks to my food. It was totally lame.

I thought about how my parents died again. Not that I do it often. Not that it's really important but they're dead. In case you didn't know.