My SpaceHey Kitten: A Riddlebat Story

Chapter 11: 131.252.251.200

I stress- played a few rounds of 2048 until my hands were unbearably clammy. I paused the game to do some finger stretches. What was Bruce Wayne getting at, trying to stop me from killing people? He doesn't want me to get sent to Arkham? What could that possibly mean? And clearly some job for Batman pulled him away before I could get any real answers. It better had been my letter; I didn't GO OUTSIDE for once all for him not to get it.

For some reason, part of me still didn't want him to read my letter. I couldn't bear the thought of him not loving me back. The thought of him not thinking of me. I had to love him for a reason because he represented everything I envied and despised. I wanted to love him because he loved me.

My thoughts began to spiral. Why did I say I knew who he was? All of his aliases? Would that scare him away? He must have thought that I was insane, right?

I almost spat out my week-old Monster energy drink when I got a notification on SpaceHey.

"i got your message. how did you know? are you going to tell anyone?"

"I noticed your activity pattern on SpaceHey. When you leave, the signal is lit. I studied your face. This letter stays between us."

My eyebrows furrowed. Did he read my message fully, or was he just ignoring the rest?

"you still... want me?"

"For some reason, Bruce, you're all I can think about. We were made for each other."

"it feels so wrong... but i feel the same way"

I sighed in relief. There was still so much that I wanted to tell him. How much he reminded me of L and I was his Light, how I wanted to solve puzzles with him, how he should never buy lactose products again-

"But unfortunately my butler alfredo would never allow this"

I froze. He was going to give up that easily? Did he not love me enough to go against his butler's wishes?

I made a new window and quickly found this "Alfred Pennyworth's" IP address, bank and medical records, credit cards, home address... and his socials. He was unnervingly popular here on SpaceHey, Reddit, and Facebook. Almost as famous as me. My grip on my mouse tightened. He had notable blogs about parenting "moody" teenagers. Something about kids wearing black all the time and stealing their deceased mother's eyeliner. After a brief scan, I figured he was one of those overbearing, controlling parents. At least he had someone who looked after him. At least he wasn't a forgotten orphan like I was, forced to live on my own.

"Don't worry about Alfred. We can still be together."

"how?"

"He just needs some convincing."

The conversation, for now, ended there. I found it harder and harder to go long lengths without speaking to Bruce. I rolled my gamer chair back as I began devising a plan for Mr. Pennyworth. Even his name was pretentious. Typical British "people". I could send him a threatening letter, but I figured it would take more convincing than that. Maybe kidnapping Bruce, locking him up in my apartment, and holding him for ransom? It would just be me and him... and his muscular arms... the idea intrigued me, but I think I needed to be a bit more forward.

I glanced over a few bins scattered around my apartment. Rats? No. Guardian Dairy Relief Fast Acting Lactase, 360 Caplets, 9000 FCC Maximum Strength, Lactose Intolerance Pills, Lactase Enzyme Supplement (360 CT)? Maybe. A bomb? Perfect.

I decided upon an explosive letter addressed to this Alfred himself, not Bruce. It was a twisted win- win situation: if Alfred picked it up, I could date Bruce; if Bruce picked it up, no one could have him if I couldn't.

If, somehow, the letter was to survive, I needed to write something inside. I picked up my green glitter pen and wrote the following message:

Dear Alfred Pennyworth,

I am in love with Bruce Wayne and will be dating him, with or without your approval. He loves me. Don't get in our way.

Sincerely,

The Riddler

Satisfied, I put the card in an envelope and decorated it with some stickers. The letter would be sent tomorrow, but the bomb had to be made first. I giggled, holding the card to my chest. Bruce and I would finally be together.