My SpaceHey Kitten: A Riddlebat Story

Chapter 13: FUCKING CHEESE

I briskly walked home from the post office; I had to get back to my computer right away. I would have practiced my parkour but something interesting had come in the mail. Besides the normal letters, fan mail, lactaid, and anti-sweat medicine, I had received what seemed to be an edible arrangement? I might have been planning to blow up the city but I fucking hated drugs.

But like I said I HAD to get back to my computer. Before I left, Batman was telling me about how someone blew up his butler (that someone being me of course). I told him I was sorry for hospitalizing his second father figure (part 2 the second one). He left me on read for a while and then angrily typed at me. How rude! It was a necessary evil, you sometimes had those and sometimes you didn't; it was the only way me and him could be together, and I could end corruption in Gotham. I replied but he never answered. This was just like when my parents abandoned me.

While waiting for him to reply I wanted to stream. I decided a P.O box unboxing stream would be best, answering questions, talking to fans, and licking already sealed envelopes. That's what led me here, briskly power walking down the streets of Gotham NOT doing parkour and holding an edible arrangement.

I rushed into my apartment after kicking over my neighbor's trash can and posting it on Twitter. I put down all my mail and took a closer look at the edible arrangement. Bruce was so nice to me, but I didn't feel bad about exploding his father figure. We HAD to be together. He made me feel warm, sweaty even (sweater than normal). But when I took a closer look, I noticed FUCKING CHEESE. I squealed and shrieked as I collapsed on the floor. I crawled to my lactaid and raged. Life was so cruel. I rushed to my room, got on discord and hid in my closet. My squeaks of terror were like the hinges of a door. I only came out of the closet when I heard my notifications for SpaceHey go off.

It was xXDark_Knight_Emo_Lord_69Xx.

"hey would you like to meet up some place (irl)"

He wanted to meet up? In real life? This was like a dream come true, but I was so nervous to see him. It seemed like he already recovered from the bomb incident, maybe I could be his third father figure? Oh god what would I wear? My weezer shirt? No, on that day I would wear my white button down.

I replied, "Yeah sure whatever, it's not like that's really cool or anything I guess I could cancel my stream ig" I had to play hard to get, at least that's what r/relationshipadvice said. It was posted by some guy called Mylifeasabutler0987658902378890. He seemed really cool. I hoped he was doing well.

"i need to talk to you it's really important"

"If you're apologizing about the cheese, it's whatever. I thought you knew I was lactose intolerant, but I guess we weren't as close as I had hoped."

"there's lactose in cheese?"

"Are you fr fr rn?"

"i had no idea"

This was the guy that kept foiling my plans? He was stupid, not in like a himbo way, just dumb and emo.

"Speaking of cheese, I suggest we meet at this diner that Guy Fieri went to. You could say I'm a local now."

I had seen it in an episode of my favorite show, Diners, Dive- Ins, and Dives. I hated capitalism, but damn was it entertaining. I was particularly fond of their pumpkin pie.

"sure just send me the address we could meet tomorrow night"

Tomorrow night? From what I heard from Reddit; dates usually occurred at night. Was this a date? It had to be, right? At least I hoped so. Was I supposed to bring flowers? I didn't have any, only rats. Did he like rats??

He left before I could ask, probably for some Vengeance business. In his absence, I came to the conclusion that it was, in fact, a date. He had mentioned that it was important. Really important. WAIT. Could that mean... a proposal? So soon? I squealed in excitement, like a rat finding cheese. Tolerance for cheese was the only difference between me and the rats. I had so much work to do: finding an outfit, applying anti- perspirant lotion for the ring picture, planning our wedding... Neither of us had someone to walk us down the aisle (orphan moment), and I had already blown up Bruce's second father figure. I quickly created a pinterest board with ideas for our wedding. I was going to stream it!!

Should I take a shower? Was this the occasion people took showers for? I hadn't taken one in a while. I thought about what Holden Caulfield would do and decided to shower. God he was just like me. I went to the bathroom and checked to see what I had. I had no shampoo, but that's okay dish soap would also do. That's when it hit me: bubble bath. If only I had a tub, but it's okay since the orphanage didn't have running water just like how I didn't have parents. So, I used the next best thing– the sink. I turned the water on; it had been so long since I saw water. I just drank Pepto Bismol, Monster Energy, coffee, and G Fuel. Once I was done, I decided to wear my outfit for tomorrow's special day to bed. I didn't want Bruce to suspect I knew his plan, so I went for a more casual look: a white button down, jeans, and a few raincoats. The rats decided to take my bed for tonight, like they always did, so I slept on my Batman (not hate, love) blanket. I imagined my blanket was his buff arms swaddling me. I drifted off to sleep, excited for tomorrow's date.