My SpaceHey Kitten: A Riddlebat Story

Chapter 20: HELP WANTED: FOOT LOCKER

I couldn't leave him. I was running so fast. I knew I had a motorcycle, but my Fitbit told me that I needed to get those steps in. I had to save Eddie before whatever horror awaited him. The gridlock in the American government was too polarizing. It would take years for Eddie's case to be heard. I had to act now. Did Crane even know Eddie was a niche micro internet celebrity?

I was back in my normal clothes: a black studded hot topic belt, converse, a plaid flannel tied around my waist, and even more emo merch. I tied my hair up into a messy bun that complimented my beautiful gray orbs. I quickly took it down because I was emo and needed to show off the monster side bang. But I needed to change back into my suit if I wanted to get in. I stopped at the local Arby's and changed there, then resumed my sprint, this time including some epic parkour.

I soon found myself at the gates of the asylum; this was just like the beginning of the 2013 hit movie The Great Gatsby, a Baz Luhrmann remake of the 1925 book by the same title featuring Leonardo Dicaprio. I used to think Leonardo Dicaprio and the turtle from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were the same person. Did Leo even know teenage turtles? Did he like it? Probably not, it was over 25 years old.

Nonetheless, I used my epic parkour skills and meticulously entered the prison (they had a back door). I entered and hid myself within the darkness of the halls. I slinked around and around and around and around and eventually went around once more; I soon realized I was walking in circles. This place would trick you up, I swear. Doctor Crane had made the foolish mistake of showing me his lab. I had to distract him first before I went down and rescued Eddie. How would I do it?

I knew what I had to do. I opened my bat utility belt and pulled out Alfredo's coupon book I had taken off his desk. I had meant to bring it to him in the hospital, but after seeing the Hot Topic coupon, I couldn't resist. He would be sad, but this would help me rescue Eddie and get the spiked choker I always wanted. I ripped out the Hobby Lobby coupons and parkoured over to the lab. I quickly slipped the coupon under the door and ran behind the corner. I then heard a few footsteps, by the sounds of it they were clearly some fugly ass shoes. It had to be Crane. My suspicion was confirmed when I heard him exclaim,

"SALE!??!?! AT HOBBY LOBBY?!!?!? Golly gee, this is amazing! I can finally get the scented pinecones I've been wanting. It will be perfect for my collection!"

The door suddenly flew open and out skipped Doctor Crane. I should have given him a Foot Locker coupon as well because those shoes needed to be locked the fuck away. My parents have never been to Foot Locker because they were dead, that's why I was an orphan. Because my parents died (I was still an orphan). Now was my chance to rescue Eddie. But suddenly I heard the footsteps getting closer... and closer. I pressed myself up against the wall, praying that the darkness of the hall would camouflage me. Why would he be going this way? What was I going to do? FUCK. I glanced around, the footsteps were getting closer and closer, that's when I saw it... a lamp. I stood in front of the pole and carefully lifted the lamp shade off and placed it on my head. That's when he turned the corner. I prayed he didn't turn the lamp on. I was worried my bat ears were poking through the top. He walked right by me in his ugly ass shoes and out the hallway door. It was now my time.

I had to act fast. I sprinted to the lab and opened the door, not forgetting to slap it. As soon as I opened the door, I saw Eddie collapse on the floor with a horrified look on his face. This was like when I wasn't able to get the MCR tickets; I was crushed. Just like when my parents died (I was doing parkour). I rushed into his enclosure; milky fumes permeated my nostrils. WHAT HAD HE DONE TO HIM!?!?! I gently lifted him into my arms. He smelled like dried macaroni and hairspray. I rushed out with him in my arms. GOD I was going to get so many steps in today.

I escaped the asylum, the Riddler still in my arms. What to do now? I couldn't just carry around a fugitive. Where would we go? How do I even wake him up? God I was so lost, just like when Alfredo took me to Hollister that one time; the store was so dark I thought I had entered the backrooms. Instead, an employee found me huddled in the corner and took me to the front and had to call Alfredo over the intercom. This is why I shop on Hot Topic. I had no plan, no idea where to go. So, I went to Arby's. We would fit right in. The only people who go to Arby's either have no self-respect, no other options, or are just insufferable carnivores. It was perfect.