My SpaceHey Kitten: A Riddlebat Story

Chapter 25: AWKWARDDD

Ring.

Ring.

RINGGGGG.

Oh! That must have been my alarm clock! But it sounded more like POLICE CARS? This was just like the scene from Bratz Genie magic. I leaped out of the soft puddle of sweat underneath me, my drenched Ninjago jammies sticking to my supple skin. Brucie was the Cole to my Lloyd. I felt like a well-hydrated lizard in my enclosure waiting for my cockroach feast. The cockroach feast image sent me back to my orphan days when I would army crawl across the dirt floor and scoop up cockroaches with my tongue and swallow them even.

I sluggishly reached for my clear Warby Parker glasses. I saw Beyblade-like movement in my peripheral. I turned to see my Brucie spinning his Secretlab TITAN Evo Series 2022 gaming chair. WEEEEEEEEE!!!! We must have been gaming soon. He slowly turned in the chair towards me. He was like a globe. The chair spun so freaking slow. It also kept squeaking. The sounds of the screeching chair were the only noise in the room as he slowly turned towards me. AWKWARDDDDDD. I stood there, still sweaty, waiting for him to fully face me.

His expression remained the same the entire rotation. His face was stern, and by looking at his eyes, I could tell he was hurt. I wondered if Marinara died, but no, that would be a celebration, a landmark in LGBTQ+ history even. He might have ran out of eyeliner? His gaze bore into my eyes. Gosh darn, he was gonna give me a burr hole (Burr holes are small holes that a neurosurgeon makes in the skull. Burr holes are used to help relieve pressure on the brain when fluid, such as blood, builds up and starts to compress brain tissue). We were both about to speak when his chair finally turned all the way towards me, suddenly spinning again interrupting me and Brucie with its piercing squeals. The screeches emitted from the chair transported me back to honors physics class in the orphanage, where my teacher (a part-time teacher and full-time flapper) often responded to our questions with angry bird calls. Once again, the AWKWARDDDD silence and the squeaks of the spinning chair filled the room.

My Brucie finally anchored his gaming chair with his Demonias, planting them firmly on the ground. An AWKWARDDD silence permeated the room. He slowly leaned in, obviously trying to give me a besito. I started to pucker my wet lips and closed my eyes when he whispered, "This time I'm actually turning you in fr fr." My salamander eyes instinctively popped wide open. "You need to go to time out," that traitor continued. A familiar homophobic Old English voice coming from the doorway chimed in with, "I kneweth it! Yond fiend is nothing but ado. That gent is queer and criminal. Locketh that gent up!"

I couldn't believe my Bruice became the Judas to my Jesus, betraying me not once, but twice (not to be confused with hit k-pop girl group Twice). I was in love with Jud-as, Jud-as!!! And he didn't even give me besito!!! First, he said he was putting me in time out. Then he sided with a homophobe?? I wanted to get all up in their faces and sing Born This Way. I was born this gay. I was born to cleanse Gotham of its political corruption. I was born to play the lead role in Annie.

"GIRLLLL WHATTTT!!??!!," I exclaimed.

"What are we? What am I to you? How could you betray me like this?" he weakly replied.

"NO, YOU ARE BETRAYING ME!! I DON'T DESERVE TO BE IN TIME OUT!!"

"Eddie this is not time out. This is prison... actual jail... I just can't trust you."

"WHAT? WHY? WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?"

"A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a

base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited,

hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a

lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson,

glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue;

one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a

bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but

the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar,

and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch: one whom I

will beat into clamorous whining, if thou deniest

the least syllable of thy addition."

We both stood there. Speechless. What the actual fuck. What had happened to us? We were so happy. Why did it have to change? Why couldn't he understand this had to be done? It was what adults called a RESPONSIBILITY.

"You sound just like her," he started, gesturing towards the door. "I don't even know who you are anymore."

Bruce scoffed. "I don't even know you anymore, Edward. You were good. You were good when I broke you out of Arkham. I- I broke you out of Arkham..."

"You thought I was good. I never asked for you to break me out."

"I gave you a fresh start! We could have had it all, together! But you... you were selfish. You couldn't get enough of it, could you? Killing people? You sick bastard, that must be the only reason for your movement."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Of course, the rich privileged man would deny my efforts to end corruption in Gotham. "You probably never loved me in the first place," I shouted back, "You just needed me distracted so I wouldn't target the real vermin of the city— you and your fwording Wayne Enterprises."

"FBI, OPEN UP!"

EEEP! I had to skedaddle. I was about to race for the door, but a red dot glowed on my Ninjago- themed pajama shirt. Then another. Then another. F WORD F WORD F WORD F WORD F WORD. For the first time, I realized that there was no way out. My life was just one cruel riddle I could not solve. This was like the lost colony of Roanoke, except it was my life.

The front door being torn down was heard from Bruce's room, and agents swarmed the manor. I heard a crash above me. Suddenly a rope unfurled down, hanging only a few feet away from me. MY ESCAPE! WHEN THE DEVIL SAID NOOOO GOD SAID YESSSSSSSSSSS! He was real– I knew He was here with me, God. A vision, a feeling, came through my body and soul. I believed it to be true. I had been given my special grace. He chose to save a wretch like me. I reached out to grab the rope and tried to hoist myself up on it, but I had little upper body strength at best. I was a few inches off the floor, but I knew God was with me. I was the server, and he was the moderator. I tried to climb the rope but moved only half an inch. Suddenly, I heard a voice from up above me. All I saw before the crash was an FBI agent descending the rope, landing right on top of me.

This was not poggers. I once again snapped back into the reality of a godless city. Lying on the ground, I looked up at Bruce, frozen in fear. I could only grin. Prince of Gotham: the Riddler's right- hand man. The Wayne Empire would finally collapse.

"You're under arrest."

The FBI agent pointed his weapon at me. Before I could think of a potential way to escape, several agents burst into the room, surrounding us.

I glanced again to see Bruce's horrified expression.