My SpaceHey Kitten: A Riddlebat Story

Chapter 15: Et Tu, Brucé?

While I waited, I nibbled on sugar packets and scrolled on Reddit. I was SO excited to see him; I just couldn't believe this was actually happening. I even took a bath for this occasion; I really think it paid off since this time when I walked in, the waitress did not gag when she came to take my order (I guess that was my effect on women). The bath was actually nice. I felt like one of the ducks in the Dawn dish soap commercials.

I couldn't stop thinking about getting to see his BIG BUFF ARMS irl (in real life)! I wonder if he would hold me? He would have to because we're gonna be engaged soon. I checked Mylifeasabutler0987658902378890's post under r/relationshipadvice to see if he had any tips on proposals, but he hasn't posted in a while. I hope he was okay; I just know he would be very excited for me and approve of me and Brucie's blossoming relationship. I even made a nickname for him! I wondered what mine would be, but I haven't told him my name yet. Ed...? Edd...? Eddie...? Yes, I liked that a lot. If he was going to marry me, he deserved to know my name; I planned on telling him the second he arrived.

I told the waitress that I didn't want to order before Brucie arrived, something I learned from r/relationshipadvice. I twiddled my thumbs until I saw a towering man whose eyes were concealed by dark, artificially straight hair. My heart leaped; I could hardly contain my excitement. He was even more handsome in person. Ooh la la!!! My heavens!!

In his hands a bag, it was brown paper. It wasn't the most traditional way to present the ring, but boy was I excited. I pretended to not suspect the contents of the bag; I didn't want to spoil the surprise! I've never met any of my oomfs (one of my followers) irl (in real life) before. What was I going to say???? My face flushed red— I couldn't even muster any words in the presence of such a handsome man.

He spoke first. "Hi... I have something for you. To make up for the edible arrangement."

I contained a squeal (I didn't want to leave a bad first impression; Brucie didn't need to know that I had adopted the behaviors of my rat friends). I carefully peeled the brown paper bag— revealing a white cloth, a shirt. Inspecting the design, the shirt read "Real Eyes Realize Real Lies". He knew me so well!

"T- thank you. This is just what I needed," I managed to say. There was so much I wanted to say. I took off my layers of raincoats and put on the shirt on top of my white button down. Brucie watched me intently, hiding a smile. He then swiftly (stan taylor) brushed his bangs the tiniest bit back.

"I wished I got something for you," I confessed, embarrassed. "I- I don't have much to offer. But now that your butler is out of the picture, we can finally be together. I can make it up to you now."

Brucie's face fell. "About that. There's something I need to tell you. Something important."

This was it. The moment I had been waiting for! I already had a tweet in the drafts and my bio ready on all my socials to read "Taken 🔒❤️". Oh! I had almost forgotten! I needed to hear Brucie say "Eddie, will you marry me?", but he didn't know my name yet.

"I think there is something you should know first, Brucie. My name is Edward, but you can call me Eddie. Or Ed. Or Edd" I was shivering in my timbers; I couldn't wait to hear him say my name.

"Eddie, this isn't you."

Oh. Surely this was an odd way to begin a proposal.

"Your followers, they love you so, to them you're a hero. You started this movement 'cause baby, this town let you down. If only this town could know what you suffered through, but it brought me to you. They don't know the real you. All I want is for our relationship to be okay, but you hurt my butler."

Oopsies. I thought he would have gotten over that by now.

"I- I love Alfredo. He's the only family I have, and I just want him to be okay. And you've hurt a lot of people already. You need to stop, for me."

So, this wasn't a proposal. Rats! Had I taken a shower for nothing?

"You want me to just abandon my life's work? Just because you asked nicely? You know me better than that, Brucie."

He sighed. "I know it's a lot to ask. But just think about it. We could leave the city together where the police will never find you. Hurting more people will just make you a bigger target for the GCPD."

He grabbed my undoubtedly not sweaty hands, I had used a whole bottle of Carpe Antiperspirant Hand Lotion, A dermatologist- recommended, non- irritating, smooth lotion that helps stops hand sweat, Great for hyperhidrosis hands, practically begging me to stop killing people.

I shuddered with feelings. I had those often; I felt them very much.

"My life's work... What would I tell the rats??? I can never stop; it courses through my veins. It is in my blood. You might be Vengeance, but I am vengeful. YOU CAN'T STOP ME NOW. Not when I'm this close. There will be no more lies."

I shook my fist in pure feeling. I loved him, but this behavior was so toxic. He couldn't stop me now. This was all I ever was.

I then signaled for the waitress to come over (I don't know how to drive). I needed more sugar packets to satiate my cravings.

"Fine. I can't stop you now, but our relationship will forever be in danger as long as the police is looking for you. Excuse me." He got up from his chair, carrying his backpack, headed to the bathroom.

It felt like our relationship was in ruin. Had I loved my mission more than him? I obviously was choosing No More Lies over Brucie, but the more I thought about it, the worse I felt. How much good was I actually doing? Sure, some corrupt bastards were gone, but they would just be replaced with another. It was Gotham after all. The only way to eradicate this disease festering in this city was to destroy it all (I had remembered some bible stories from my time as a choir boy). Well, I had something in mind. Then Brucie and I could leave Gotham together, but not until my work was finished.

Brucie stepped out of the bathroom, covered in black armor, his face concealed by a mask. The Batman was even handsomer in person! I wanted to caw out to him (a mating call even).

"I love a man in uniform..."

"Acab," he replied.

God, he was attractive. The suit highlighted how beefy his arms really were. God, they were juicy. Like the juice at Fresh Market. I loved juice. I was so happy I never had a triplet that would drink the juice before I could. This didn't happen to me because I was an orphan.

Suddenly, I felt a draft on my back. I spun around on the spinny dinner chair. I dropped the sugar packet in utter shock.

I shrieked. "NOT THAT UNIFORM!"

Standing in the door, approaching fast, was the GCPD. F word. How could they have found me? How would they know? Unless...

"Et Tu, Brucé?"

"I'm sorry Eddie. I told you this would happen."

How... HOW COULD HE? I squealed not only in anger but also in sadness. My Brucie, My SpaceHey Kitten. How could he betray me like this? Could he not see I was doing this for Gotham? For us?

The GCPD grabbed me by my arms, I wiggled as they handcuffed me (if only it was Bruce) and dragged me out of the diner. Away from Bruce, my followers, my sugar packets, and my mission. The last thing I saw as they pulled me into that cop car was Batman's saddened eyes (featuring running eyeliner) and the waitress pouring coffee.

I shouted back at Bruce. "YOU TRAITOR! YOU ABSOLUTE IMBECILE! HOW COULD YOU?"

This wouldn't stop me. As soon as we started driving, I pulled out my TI-Nspire™ CX CAS graphing calculator and let twitter know what just happened.