My SpaceHey Kitten: A Riddlebat Story

Chapter 28: New Phone. Who Dis?

"I would like to phone a friend."

The agent sighed. "Alright."

"Double whammy."

He handed me an ancient piece of technology. It reminded me of an iPhone, but it didn't look anything like the one I had. There was a button on the bottom for some reason? AND IT ONLY HAD ONE CAMERA?? What kind of fossil was this? George Washington must have used the same type of phone the night he crossed the Delaware. I struggled unlocking the phone when the agent snatched it away from me, opened it, and handed it back.

I hesitated before typing in Alfredo's phone number. Well... what was his phone number? I would always just click his contact information whenever I needed to call him. Did I even know the first number? Of course I didn't. Who would?

"Are you having... trouble there, Mr. Wayne?" the male agent smirked.

"Hold on, I got it."

Did Alfredo ever teach me his number as a child, before I had a phone? Impossible. I have had a phone since birth. Was it ever on the refrigerator, just in case? I couldn't remember. But why could I picture a card with his phone number on it?

"Dude, do you not even know your guardian's phone number?"

"I SAID HOLD ON A SECOND, BUDDY."

Where had I seen it? I thought of my daily routine: skincare routine, watching MCR music videos, skateboarding, playing Fortnite, working out, then... patrolling Gotham! Alfredo would pack my lunches and leave his business card in there for some reason. I'd see it every time I opened my official Batman merchandise lunchbox.

I quickly typed in his phone number and held my breath as the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey Alfredo, I'm in a bit of trouble here-"

"This is not Alfredo. Do not call this number again."

"But... this is his phone number."

"Sir, I am going to call the police if you call this number again. I am not interested in your insurance scams. HOW DARE YOU SCAM THE ELDERLY, THE MOST VULNERABLE! YOU HEATHENS DISGUST ME!"

"Jokes on you, I'm already with the police. They are right here with me. I'm going to prison."

"GOODBYE."

The 40 lawyers who had been making small talk fell silent.

Fuck. That last number was 2, not a 3. I retyped the number again before the agents could insist I already got my phone call.

"Alfred Pennyworth speaking."

"ALFREDO! I'm stuck at the FBI interrogation room for some reason. I have a bunch of lawyers here, and they won't let me bring any more. Can you come over to be my lawyer? Can you bring a couple more with you?"

I heard a crash from the other side of the line.

"Alfredo? Is everything alright? Are you still at the hospital?"

"Sorry, sir. I've been cleared to leave today, but... there's something I should tell you. ALSO THE FBI?"

"That's not important now, Alfredo. What happened?"

"I fear I've watched too many seasons of the Real Housewives of Gotham during holiday that... I've gone blind."

"...Can lawyers be blind?"

"Well, yes sir-"

"Can you come be my lawyer?"

"Sir... you don't need a lawyer. You have yourself. All you need can be found within you. Sometimes, lawyers are the friends we made along the way."

"I don't know what you mean..."

"The wall does not falter to the wind, Bruce. You have all you need."

"The power was in me all along?"

"Yes, it's in your bank account. Goodbye."

He was right; my bail was only $500,000. That was at least four burritos. That wasn't much at all. I had that amount of money in Kohl's cash. I remembered Alfredo bragging about his not legal tender, which could be redeemed for cash or used to purchase gift cards in- store, at a kiosk, or on Kohl's.com. He had more Kohl's cash than I had money in my bank account (including savings). Would they let me pay in Kohl's cash? If not, it was just fine– I could pay my bail 17 times over. I walked over and slammed my credit card on the agent's desk.

"I would like to check out now."

"...Are you trying to bribe an officer of the law?"

"I have the 15-digit Kohl's Cash number and four-digit PIN, and the value of my Kohl's Cash will be deducted from my bail total."

"You can remember your Kohl's Cash number, but not your parents'?"

"I don't have parents. They are dead."

At that point, he grabbed my credit card and shoved me out of the office. I was FREEEE! This called for an Arby's trip, but it wouldn't be the same without him. His sweaty face... his greasy hair...oh how I missed it all. He was so interesting! He was built like a parenthesis from leaning over in his gaming chair too long, but I loved him even though he was lactose intolerant. I couldn't wait to see him, even though he betrayed me. Twice. I think while I was there, they mentioned he was on his way to Arkham again. Ew. That place sucked. It was half the size of my house and didn't even have a pool. Not to mention that Crane guy with those fucking disgusting shoes. How would I get there though? I noticed a nice shiny motorcycle parked in the lot. This was Gotham, ranked number one in crime (the only thing we were first in). They shouldn't just leave it out here. I was pondering whether I should borrow it when the person came out. I asked to buy it off of them but remembered the agent took my card. The person just stood there, speechless. I just gave him the 250,000 dollars I had on me.

"I know it's probably not enough, but this is all I have. I know it's not a lot."

"Dude, I work at a fast-food restaurant."

"Is it Arby's?"

"Are you mentally okay? Who even likes Arby's?"

"They have the meats."

"Whatever, man."

After that we were silent. I slowly got on the motorcycle. It was much different than my own. I liked to pretend I was getting on a horse but in the process of doing this I fell off the bike. I got back on and slowly left the parking lot.

At the Arby's, I decided to order some meat from the mountains. God, they looked so scrumptious. I couldn't wait to share them with the Riddler. Did he even want them though? Did he even want to see me? Did he still love me at all? How could he? What had happened to us? Did he unpin me from his friend list on SpaceHey? DID HE UPDATE OUR FACEBOOK STATUS FROM IN A RELATIONSHIP TO IT'S COMPLICATED??? I was so sad. Mascara running down my little siren eyes, how I hated that guy. I was the siren eyes, and the Riddler was the doe eyes. We were perfect for each other. But it had all been spoiled, like milk. I missed him, that traitor. He was so sweaty and a traitor, but I loved him.

This was gonna make me even more emo than before. I had to see him. I put on MCR, specifically Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge (we were the demolition lovers fr fr) and hopped on my (not mine) motorcycle. I began to drive to Arkham, the entire way there listening to emo music and crying.