the summer you noticed me ↠ conrad fisher {1}

o n e

     I roll the windows down, and my hair instantly begins to fly around rapidly. I push my sunglasses up to the top of my head to keep the fly aways out of my eyes so I can see the road. I take a deep breath, and just for a moment — everything stills.

The past ten months of loneliness flies out the window, and I feel like I can breathe for the first time since I left last summer. The smell of the ocean fills my body with so much nostalgia and happiness that I let out a giddy scream that ripples through the air.

I'm on my way to my families beach house in Cousins, Massachusetts. Normally I hate this part of the trip. By this point, I'd be ready to jump from the moving car if I had to listen to one more second of my raging workaholic parents business phone calls. So the fact that I not only am driving alone, the reminder that I'm spending the summer alone is the main reason I'm so refreshed to be here.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. I will miss them terribly, but a lot has changed since the last time I came to Cousins. My parents separated, apparently my mother was sleeping with a 21 year old from our country club. Although they're separated, they chose to still live in the same house, and refuse a divorce. God forbid someone from the club found out they were unhappy. So my house is filled with tension that could be cut with a knife, and lots of loud whispers late at night about my mothers multiple drunken mistakes.

I wasn't supposed to know about the separation, but after a month of my father being away on a work trip when they normally last two weeks tops I put two and two together and confronted mom. She told me the truth, but swore me to secrecy. I haven't told anyone. It's been eight months.

     Dad came back a week after the confrontation with my mom, he was staying at a hotel in New York. He said he needed to get away for awhile and clear his head, thankfully he had work down there to keep him busy. Ever since they've been going about how they did before, never speaking of the issues just ignoring them as they always did. Putting on fake faces at events, and the club. I don't know how anyone noticed the love was gone, because to me it seemed obvious. Less glimmer in their eyes, less kisses, less holding hands, less everything — even talking. Sometimes I wish they would just get a divorce because seeing them act as if nothing is wrong breaks me down a little more everyday.

My father decided that a vacation to a place where him and my mother fell in love wouldn't be the easiest for him, and I'd have to agree. My mom decided that work was more important this year, and after a lot of persuasion with the help of Suzannah Fisher from next door — my parents are okay with me staying down for the summer without them and with everything that happened this year, I think a summer away from them, most importantly the tension, is exactly what I need.

I slow down when passing the Fishers house. The driveway is empty, but in a few hours everyone's cars will be packed and it'll feel like summer again. I smile coming to a complete stop, all the memories I can remember from Cousins have been created in that house. This place feels more like home then my beach house, and even my actual home in New Jersey combined.

     I slowly inch forward and pull into my driveway. I spend 10 months of every year looking forward to the two months that I get to spend with them. During the months that I'm not at my summer home, I spend as much time as possible on the phone with Belly.

Belly, who's real name is Isabel Conklin is a little less then a year younger then me. Our birthdays are two months apart, so for two months this summer we'll be the same age. She is a family friend of the Fishers and has been coming to their beach house since she was a child as well. With her being the only girl kid in the house, we hit it off right away.

Me and Belly FaceTime almost everyday, dreaming of our summers to come in Cousins. Camp fires on the beach, late night swims, car rides (especially now since I got my drivers licenses this year, and Belly will be able to get hers at the beginning of the summer (pretend this is true lol)), and most importantly the boys. We always talk about the boys.

     Since the second I met him, I've been completely in love with Conrad Fisher — as Belly has with his brother Jeremiah. It worked out perfectly, because I can't imagine fighting with her over a guy.

     I turn my car off and go to take my things inside. The worst part about being here alone is unloading my car. Im half tempted to wait for everyone else to get here to have some help but decide against it. I have food in my backseat and since I have to take that in, I might as well take it all in.

     Getting everything inside took about 30 minutes. Now getting everything put away, that would be a task for another day. I made sure to at least put my suitcases in my room, and the cold stuff in the fridge/freezer, all the rest of putting things away can be done tomorrow.

     I sigh leaning back against the counter. We have giant glass doors that overlook the ocean. We don't have a pool like the Fishers, but it's okay since I like being over there better. I love the view from here. It's a perfectly clear day out. No clouds in the sky, and the ocean even looks blue from here. Normally it's a dark navy that sometimes looks green in certain lights, but it seems so freshening right now.

     I check the time and see that it's a little past two, and Belly and her family aren't arriving until 5 so I'm going to take a dip in the ocean. Thankfully I thought to pack a swim suit in my smaller bag, knowing it would be something I need today. It's a hot pink bikini that I had bought off of SHEIN that has stitched details at the top of the bottoms and at the liner of the top.

      This is the first year I'm comfortable enough to wear a bikini. That's also something that has changed since last year, I got into the gym. My gym has a program in the winter for high school students and they got to work out for free. I've stuck with it since then.

I mainly did it for my mental health. With everything that was happening with my parents, my lack of friends at school, it was my escape. There is no better therapy then putting headphones on, a good audiobook, and working out just forgetting everything for an hour to two hours. It saved me.

I smile staring at myself in the mirror, I put my hair into a French braid and make my way downstairs. I'm practically sprinting through the house and I get that giddy feeling in my chest again. It really is summer.

I sprint out the back door to the beach. I can practically feel the sand between my toes before I even hit it so eager to touch it again. When I finally do, I run faster. Faster then I ever have before. The ocean is so close and I am not slowing down until I fall right into a wave. I toss my towel down and keep running. The second I hit the water, I dive in the first wave I see.

I pop up above the water panting. I grab my chest, heaving as I feel the tears start to form. I am definitely breathing again. I. Am. Finally. Able. To. Breathe.

"I can breathe. I can breathe," I whisper, turning around frantically staring at everything around me. This long agonizing year, really is making me appreciate this place more then I ever have before. I place a hand to my heart as I stare out at the ocean. "I'm really here."

     "What, you couldn't wait for me?" I turn around quickly, a smile breaks out onto my face at the sound of their voice.