the summer you noticed me ↠ conrad fisher {1}

e l e v e n

"Okay that's the last box," I say. I crumble the brown bag, and shoot it into the trash can. "Score!"

    "Nice one," Conrad nods. "Hey, I have a great idea!" He says. "Hear me out, we go smok–"

I stop him by holding up a hand, "Conrad, the last time I smoked your stuff I had a panic attack and broke down at a party."

"Okay, yes but you're happier today then you were then. Right?" He wiggles his eyebrows as if is the main reason for my happiness right now. I mean, he is, but I don't want to give him a big head or anything.

"Yeah, so..." I say leaving it hanging there. He smiles an award winning dimple smile, and I cave. "Okay, but what are we planning on doing after we smoke? I need to know the plans going in so I can avoid another panic attack."

He nods, agreeing. "I was just thinking we watch a movie. Any movie, your choice." He says quickly. As if watching a movie he likes is a deal breaker, it's not by the way. I'd love to know his favorite movies, I'd love to know anything inside his head. He clears his throat to catch my attention again. "Then maybe if you wanted to get out we could go for a walk on the beach?" He says this quietly, like maybe it's a stupid idea and he doesn't want me to shit on it.

      "Can we order food?" I ask.

     "Uh obviously," he says mimicking my happy voice.

"Then I'm game!"

He claps his hands together loudly, and then rubs them together. "Let's go," he says sliding the joint out from behind his ear.

     My mouth falls open, "you had the joint the whole time?" I ask. "What if I said no!"

     "Then I would of just smoked it without you, regardless it was getting smoked!"

"Conrad, Conrad, Conrad," I mumble shaking my head. "You are such a character," I laugh, I grab a water bottle from the fridge and toss it at him. He catches it at the last second a winks happily.

I grab a water for myself and a lighter from my drawer, I like candles and have a lot of lighters. Thankfully they came in touch for this summer when it comes to spending time with Conrad.

I didn't think that buying these pack of lighters would lead to this. The butterfly effect is crazy. I buy lighters for candles at the beach house = me smoking weed with Conrad in the middle of the day at Cousins. Weird world.

"What got you into smoking?" He ask asks we make our way outside.

I sit down on a lawn chair and face him, he does the same. Our knees are almost touching, and if I lean forward I'll literally be on his shoulder.

I'm staring at our knees when he nudges me with his leg. "Claire?"

"Hm?" I hum, looking up at him.

He's grinning at me. "Why did you start smoking?"

"Panic attacks," I say quickly.

His eyebrows bunch up in confusion, "you have a medical card?"

I nod, but don't say anything. I'm afraid that if I open my mouth I'm going to tell him everything that happened this year. From my parents "separation" to the long lonely nights or letting my mind spiral in the quiet until I'm hysterically sobbing on my bathroom floor because I can't breathe.

"You never had panic attacks before," he points out. He's right, of course he's right. My life didn't truly fall apart until this year.

I nod again. "Can I have the joint?" I ask, I need this weight off my chest. He passes it too me, and I light it up taking a long hit.

I hold it in for fifteen seconds and let it all out. I turn, so I'm laying back on the lawn chair now, so Conrad is beside me. His hand is close to mine, I just want to hold his hand.

I take a few more hits, holding it all in the same to make sure I get myself high. "You're not like I remember," Conrad says as I pass the joint back. "Less annoying," he laughs.

I frown, "you thought I was annoying?"

"No? Yes? Kinda, you and Belly were always up each other's butts that I feel like I never really got a chance to know you without her."

"That isn't true," I murmur.

I close my eyes and think of the first moment I knew I had feelings for him. Of course deep down I always knew that I felt different towards Conrad. My body always seemed to gravitate towards him, even from a young age; sitting next to him during movie nights, riding next to him when we go for bike rides, my beach towel always found it's way next to his also. I just didn't realize that it was a crush until I turned...

We were 14. I was really upset, over something I can't remember and ran to the beach. I didn't want to talk to anyone, even Belly. I sent her back to the house, about an hour after that Conrad showed up.

I couldn't tell you if Belly had sent him to me, or if he came on his own. Frankly, I didn't care. He was there and that's all that mattered.

I remember him quietly sitting next to me, and we listened to the sound of the ocean. It seemed like we were the only two people in the world.

He cleared his throat loudly getting my attention. "Race you to the water?" He says, then took off. I couldn't not chase after him, I remember laughing the whole way to the ocean. Then, the whole time in the ocean. He was pushing me into waves, picking me up and tossing me around.

We came back to the house soaking wet, and got scolded for swimming with no adult after dark but I didn't care. I also don't think he cared, and from that moment he was always the person to make a hard time easier.

"Yeah," he sighs. "I suppose it isn't, we do have our fair share of memories. I guess I just always thought of you as Belly's best friend. Never my friend," his words hurt, but I hear the hidden meaning behind it.

"And now?" I ask.

"I think you're the only one who understands me this summer," he mumbles.

I open my eyes, and he's staring at the joint in front of him. He isn't looking at me, but the joint in his hand. I need to tell him, I need someone else to understand what's going on in my head. I can't keep this in anymore.

"Conrad," I say.

He looks over at me, and concern fills his face. "What's going on in that head of yours?" He asks gently. "You've got a pinch in your forehead, you only have that when you think really hard." He explains.

I ignore the butterflies in my gut before my courage flies away with them. "I have to tell you something, but you have to promise me not to tell anyone. Please, not even Belly knows."