the summer you noticed me ↠ conrad fisher {1}

f o r t y - s i x

I'm tired. Everything in me is begging to just sleep for the next 100 years. I'm tired of my parents. I'm tired of the tension the house is filled with when they are around. I'm tired of the panic attacks that happen because of thinking about them and going home at the end of summer. The anxiety I get just walking in my own house to get a pair of shoes I forget.

  I let out a muffled scream, covered by the pillow on my face. I can't get away from it, it surrounds me. The tiny bickering that they think I can't here. They are always bickering, even if they're not doing it with words. Their looks will do the talking then, the death glares that in super hero movies that would kill with one laser beam.

I can't do it anymore.

I can't.

I start to cry. Everything that has been pent up since the second Mom cheated and destroyed our family. So loud that the house around me becomes quiet.

     I didn't hear my door open, I didn't know anyone was in the room until my bed dipped, and arms are wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me to their chest.

I want it to be Conrad, but I know it isn't. He's at work right now, and Belly was at debutante "practice", and Jeremiah or Steven would never walk into my house straight up to my room like this. The arms tense, pulling me closer, so tightly I'm sure they're attempting to mend the broken pieces that they broke to begin with.

It's Dad. It takes me a few seconds to realize, he's crying too. Mom is no where to be seen.

"Honey, I am so sorry." He murmurs. Rocking us side to side, "I am so sorry."

His apology causes me to cry harder, I was never mad at Dad to begin with. He was the one who wanted the divorce, Mom denied. Saying it would ruin both their social status's, Dad had every right to want to leave this family. He had every right to be with someone who won't stab him in the back, then trap him with no where to go but slowly bleed out.

This is him, bleeding out. Everything he had been holding in, all of the anger washed away into a fit of sadness. His walls had fallen down, and he's letting me see that he was just trying to escape all this time. The anger and arguments hid his pain.

My heart aches for him. Aches for everything he's been through, it may have been harder for me, but he was the one cheated on and then stuck with the person who did it to him.

"I'm sorry, Dad." I say, "I'm sorry, too." I stutter out. "You didn't deserve it."

      "I'm done, Sweetheart. I am calling my lawyer first thing tomorrow, I'm getting the divorce papers. Okay?" He says. "No more fighting, I'm so sorry."

      I thought hearing those words would hurt me more, but the truth is the tension was worse then a divorce. Them being apart, not being able to fight, my dad being able to heal makes this all okay it's going to be okay.

*   *   *

     I spent the whole day with my dad. We went out to eat, we went to the beach, we talked — a lot. I told him about Conrad, and to my surprise he was really happy for us. He said Conrad has always been a good kid and he couldn't imagine anyone better for me then him.

      Him saying that meant the world to me.

      It's now 7pm, and Dad has to leave because he has work in the morning but he promised to come back at least two more times this summer and to check in with me every night. I can't wait to tell Jeremiah I don't need his parenting act anymore because I finally will have it again, hopefully.

      "Text me when you get home?" I ask quietly. I suddenly feel small and the idea of him leaving makes me sad. "I'm going to miss you, I love you." I say voicing my thoughts. My voice breaks slightly, but I clear my throat forcing a small smile.

      Dads eyes scan my face as he frowns. He doesn't hesitate before bringing me in for a hug. "I miss you, kiddo. I love you, so much. Things are going to change. I promise you that, everything's going to work out in the end." He says rubbing my back.

      We break apart and a single tear slips down my face but I quickly wipe at it. "I know, I trust you."

      With that he throws his bag in the back of the car and waved goodbye as he pulls out of the driveway. Leaving me, once again, all alone.

      I don't know how long I sat there. It was light out when he left but the sun set sometime in the time I sat here staring at the road my dad just disappeared down.

      "Did your parents just leave?" Conrad asks sitting beside me.

       "Just my Dad," I sigh. "Mom left this morning."

      "Oh?" He asks, taking a seat beside me. I instinctively lay my head on his shoulder just needing to be close to him. "You okay?" He asks.

      I nod, because for once I actually feel okay. "Yeah, me and my Dad spent the day together. He's calling his lawyer tomorrow to get divorce papers served to my Mom. I think he realized this morning when they were fighting and I broke down sobbing in my room that enough is enough."

      "How do you feel about that?" He asks gently gauging my reaction.

      "My Dad deserves better. I deserve better. My Mom was the one who was trying to keep this family together but continued to bring shit up, and tear him and me down any chance she got. This is going to change so much," I admit. "This is just all for the best though."

      "I get it, but It's okay to be upset about it if you are. Regardless if your happy, mourning your parents being together is okay too. You don't have to hide anything from me, I just want you to know that," Conrad being his wonderfully amazing self reminds me.

      I smile, and nuzzle my head into the crook of his neck and place a soft kiss there. I pull back so he can see my face and truly believe the words I'm about to say. "I know, I'm not upset. Seriously, it's such a relief. I'm only sad right now because I finally got my Dad back today, but he had to leave because of work. He promised he'd visit two more times this summer though, so I at least have that to look forward too. I just missed him, that's all."

      Conrad smiles and nods. "Okay, so we're happy about this," he agrees. "Great, we'll then, I'm so happy you had a good day with your Dad. You both deserved that peace of mind."

      "You're so cute," I laugh. I place a kiss on his lips. "Thank you."

      "You're welcome I am so cute, but you should probably thank my parents for that one." He teases.

      I roll my eyes playfully, "that wasn't why I was saying thank you, I was thanking you for just being here."

     "Don't thank me for that. I'll always be here, no matter what."

    
Authors note:

We Stan Claire's Dad.