the summer you noticed me ↠ conrad fisher {1}

t w e l v e

"I promise," he grins. "My lips are sealed," he says miming him zipping up his lips, locking it, then throwing the key away.

I want to laugh because he doesn't know how much of a relief it would actually be to tell anyone this secret. I won't have a panic attack, maybe now my panic attacks will stop because I'm sharing the truth of something that's been holding me down for so long.

I place my water down and sit up. Then I lay back down because I'm anxious. I can't stop moving.

He puts the joint down beside him on the chair and stands wrapped his left hand around mine, forcing me to stop my pacing. He uses his free hand to force my face up and look at him. His eyes are so gentle, waiting for me to tell him.

     "This is stupid, it doesn't even seem like a big deal anymore. Forget I said anything, I'm sorry," I say pulling myself from his grasp. I sit down on the chair I was sitting in and cover my hands with my face. I'm frustrated. I don't know how to voice everything I went through without breaking down completely. I don't want to do that to him, I don't want him to see me cry when I try to relive it.

     It could be worse. My parents could get a divorce, my parents could be in separate places — which technically they are half the time but on major holidays they still managed to be around, together. It definitely isn't ideal. The tension. The silence. It's all so much.

He takes my hands away from my face and holds them in my lap. He's squeezing them tightly, so tightly that I'm not sure how he isn't mending my broken pieces back together right now.

     "Claire," he says quietly. "If it's getting you this worked up, it isn't nothing. I won't force you to tell me, but I know what it's like to be held down by a secret. I promise I won't tell anyone."

     My eyes flash to his, and he seems serious. I trust him. I know I can trust him.

     Our eyes are locked, I unclasp his hand so I can hold it. I grab onto him, and he squeezes letting me know he's here.

I reach with my free hand to grab the joint he put down. I pull my hand out from under his hold and light the joint, taking a quick hit. Making sure to grab his hand again after. He's like my anchor, he's holding me in place right now. He laughs quietly to himself, and I know it's because I took a hit of the joint for courage. I'm in the moment. I won't have a panic attack. This will help, he won't say anything.

Who would he say anything too that would even get back to my parents. Regardless if he told Laurel or Susannah they wouldn't run to my parents to question them on it. It's a kind of, wait until they tell you thing. Not that they're close to them and would ever tell them, but you know.

I didn't want it too but a tear fell down my face. I take a deep breath to try and clear the block that's in my throat. Conrad and see that I'm struggling and instead of holding my hand he moves so he can hold me. His arm is around my shoulders and my heads instantly fell on his shoulder.

"Whenever you're ready," he repeats the words back to me that I keep saying to him about whatever is holding him back. He might not be ready to talk but I sure am.

I take one last deep breath, and clear my throat. "My parents are separated, my mom cheated on my dad with someone from the club. They refuse to tell anyone, or get a divorce so it's either constant arguing or no speaking. There's no in between, the tension at home is so bad. It's suffocating, that's why they aren't here this summer. They weren't going to let me come down but your mom convinced them I'd be taken care of. They haven't answered any of my phone calls or texts since I've been down here."

It's quiet for a long moment. He doesn't move. He just sighs, closing his eyes. His thumb starts to rub gently across my shoulder, and the butterflies erupt in my stomach. "I'm so sorry," he whispers. It's so quiet I'm not even sure I didn't imagine it. "I had no idea."

"No one did, I wasn't — I'm not aloud to tell anyone."

"I get it. I seriously get it, I'm sorry you've been carrying all that with you." I sigh, and nod. "Is that why you've been going to the gym too?" He asks.

     I nod again, "it's controlled chaos there." I let out a forced laugh.

     "I get that."

"It's been horrible not having anyone to talk too about it. You know, I still haven't been able to get in contact with either of my parents since I got here," I tell him. "They seriously don't care about anyone but themselves, my mom proved that by cheating."

"I hate that I don't know what to say to make this an easier situation for you, but I can say I'm really glad you trusted me enough to tell me. I really hope you continue to trust me if you feel like anything's ever bothering you."

"Can I ask you something, just about Belly?" I ask in a hushed tone.

"Do you think she's different this year too, that ball? Literally the last fucking thing I thought she'd ever want to do," he says.

"Right!" I scream. "Like it was out of no where! She didn't even tell me about it before Susannah screamed saying she would do it! Like she's shopping for dresses right now! Belly, shopping for dresses! How weird is that to say, I don't think I've ever seen Belly wear a dress till last night" I laugh.

He laughs and it vibrates through me. It's easy with him right now. This moment makes me happy because I just told him the biggest secret of my life and now we're here joking about Belly in dresses.

He picks up the joint with his free hand, and using the arm that is wrapped around me to light it. It's funny because he has to squish me closer to him, to the point where I'm practically laying across him to light it. Not that I'm complaining. I laugh, and let myself fall into his lap dramatically while he takes a hit from the joint.

I sit up, smiling. Conrad is staring out at the ocean over my fence. The sun is still high in the air but thankfully we're in the shade. It's so bright out everything looks saturated, fake even. The breeze is blowing Conrad's hair in all directions and my heart swells with happiness at just the sight of him.

He notices me staring and grins, he wraps his arm around my neck and pulls me towards his chest. This summer is going to be the best summer yet, I know it.