UNDER THE MOON, Remus Lupin

lxxi.

FINAL REMNANTS
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"Thanks for this, Angie," Alice said to Angelina as they walked into the bookstore that Angelina's father owned in Diagon Alley. Because Alice had done nothing with her life except sulk after leaving Hogwarts, Sirius told her to get a job. Alice felt so out of touch with Dragonology that she just decided to ask Angelina for help. The store needed the help anyway. Now not only did Alice get to work with a friend, but she was surrounded by books. At least books couldn't tell her that they didn't love her.

"Believe me, work was getting boring. Everyone else that works here is either elderly or has an attitude. Hard to make friends that way. I am happy to tell you that we have all the same shifts," Angelina told Alice as they walked behind the counter and clipped their nametags on.

Having this job was also good because spending time with Jacques was getting expensive. Opium didn't come free.

Sirius and Harry hadn't found out yet. They had their suspicions. Sometimes Alice would burst through the door in the middle of the night with her eyes red. But for once, the redness wasn't from crying. If Alice was becoming happy again, they didn't want to ruin that for her. She deserved to smile, and even if they wanted her to smile with Remus, she needed to smile now. Remus was too stupid to know that he was losing any shot he ever had at living the rest of his life with her.

Many times, Sirius told him that he belonged with Alice. But he did not listen. Predictably.

What Remus kept secret aside from the fact the was scared of hurting Alice again... was that Sirius was getting through to him.

Every morning that Remus managed to pull himself out of bed, he looked in the mirror and hated not seeing Alice in the reflection, standing at the doorway and smiling at him. In his imagination, she was still there. His imagination had to be enough, but it wasn't. It had been so many weeks since he last saw her and yet he didn't love her any less. From what he heard from Sirius; Alice was moving on. Losing Alice was worse than losing himself, because Alice was the one who made him capable of caring about losing himself.

The weighing issue was that Remus had been so focused on not losing himself, that he forgot losing Alice was a possibility.

And then... by awful choice... he lost her. He chose to lose her, because he'd rather lose her by choice than by chance.

"Moony?" Sirius' voice was muffled by the front door. Remus hadn't even heard him knock.

Today, Remus wasn't sure he wanted to open the door. So many times, had he heard that he made a mistake in dumping Alice. As if he didn't already know that without the influence of Sirius' opinion.

He opened the door anyway. "Padfoot." It had been a few days since Remus saw him.

"You're losing her, Remus."

"I already did."

Sirius sighed in annoyance. "It's worse now. She has a boyfriend."

Remus went cold to the bone. "Well... good for her."

"You can't mean that. In fact, I know you don't." Sirius was his best friend. So naturally, he knew him better than anyone else. Remus couldn't lie to Sirius; he'd see right through it.

"I'm tired of this, Sirius." Remus groaned, rubbing his head and closing his eyes.

"Well, too bad. You made a mistake by-,"

Remus cut him off, "No, I mean I'm tired of waking up every day without her. I can't sleep, eat, or live without her. I can barely breathe. Even when she was suffocating me with her tight hugs, or smushing a pillow in my face, I was breathing so clearly. But I can't subject her to a dangerous environment with me ever again. I don't think she'd ever forgive me anyhow."