The Other 'I'

18 : Another

"Matagal nang bakante ang unit na 'yan dahil walang may gustong kumuha."

I was standing in front of the door of the room to mine, the one that was supposed to be occupied by Cedric. Staring at the padlocked door while holding my phone and checking for our text messages... which is non-existent—I tried to get a clear hold of what's real and what isn't.

I'd known this for a while now but everything still felt like a hard pill to swallow. Accepting all of this wasn't as easy as I expected it to be.

A month after my medications and therapies, my hallucinations, delusion, together with the voices completely vanished. Cedric now ceased to exist—not that he was really here in the first place. Hinayaan na rin akong makabalik sa apartment at sa campus nina Mommy matapos magbigay ng go signal ng doktor ko. They said I was fine then. And I really hope that was really the case.

After being away for a few weeks, the stillness of my room apartment that welcomed me was almost foreign. Mula sa paper bag na naro'n sa cabinet ko'y kinuha ko ang laman niyong uniform. The white fabric wasn't stained with dark blood but with coffee. Some of the buttons were missing but there was definitely not a single tinge of blood on it. Wala rin doon ang metal clip na nakita ko nang nakaraan.

The first semester of my sophomore year was about to end and I didn't do anything but to busy myself by catching up from my studies. Hangga't maaari ay iniiwasan ko ang ilang trigger na posibleng maging cause ng relapse tulad ng kape, alak at iba pa. I made sure to eat a proper diet recommended by my doctor too.

"Eunice, how are you? Kumain ka na ba? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, mom. Kumain na po ako kanina. Nagre-review na lang ako ngayon para sa finals."

I wasn't used to being checked upon frequently when I wasn't at home. Pero kahit bago iyon sa akin at medyo hindi ako kumportable ay hinayaan ko na lang. I could take care of myself. Gayunpama'y ayaw ko naman silang pag-alalahanin pa.

"Alright, anak. Don't forget to take a rest—don't stress yourself, okay?"

"Yes, mom. I'll do that."

"I love you."

"Love you too."

Bumuntonghininga ako matapos ibaba ang tawag. Nagbalik ako agad sa ginagawang pagre-review. Ngunit wala pa yatang isang minuto ang lumipas nang tumunog ang phone ko para sa isang message. It was from Shant.

She'd been trying to reach out since the news from Steph's death came out. Pero nitong nakaraan ko lang sinabi sa kaniya ang lahat ng nangyari, dahil wala ako sa sarili ng mga unang araw matapos ng aksidente sa resto bar.

Ngayo'y isa na rin siya sa mga taong nagchi-check sa akin—kung ano ang lagay ko. And more than anything, I appreciate their concerns. Hindi lang talaga ako sanay.

"Hey, Eunice."

Isang beses nang mapahinto ako sa paglalakad palabas ng building nang makuha ng palapit ang atensyon ko. Dina gave me her usual bitchy smile when my eyes landed on her. We were standing at the front of my college building then, students were passing by as we regard each other.

The confusion why she was suddenly talking to me washed over me. "Yes?"

She crossed her arms and titled her head to the side. "I heard you went to some psychotic treatment when you're gone." Then with a point of a finger on her head in a quick motion, she continued, "How's that cuckoo head of yours doing?"

Napatiimbagang ako sa narinig, ang iritasyon ay mabilis nakahanap ng lugar sa sistema ko. I wasn't annoyed with the fact that she was trying to rub it on my face, ang ikinaiirita ko ay ang paraan niya ng pagsabi niyon. Sounding callous because of her lack of knowledge about how sensitive that condition was—yet she still had the audacity to mock it.