Gangs Aren't My Style (A Black Death Novel)

Chapter 83 - Remorse

Gangs Aren't My Style

Book I of the Black Death Trilogy

PART FOUR :: Leave The Front Line Behind

Chapter 83 - Remorse

Ally glanced to the side, her eyes taking in the light blue tablet of hotel stationery that was laid out on the side table. An ink pen was placed beside it, proudly displaying the name of the hotel and a blue cap that matched that color of the stationery. She wrung her hands, her eyes nervously flicking across the room as she tried to determine just how she could possibly fix the mess she had gotten herself into.

She hastily stood from her seat on the bed then, her bare feet making contact with the carpeted floor, and she ran her hands through her ratty hair. The gentle air conditioning blew through the small room, cooling her heated skin but doing nothing to ease the turmoil inside of her mind. All Ally wanted to do at that moment was run away and never look back, just like she had done almost six and a half years ago, but yet she knew she couldn't just abandon her problems again. This time, she wasn't the only one in trouble.

Ally growled in frustration, pivoting on her heel to pace back across her room but stopping in her tracks when she caught her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Her feet took her towards the image against her will, leading her to stand directly before the sink that the mirror was mounted over before they finally relinquished control back to her muddled mind.

Her eyes looked bloodshot from crying and her hair resembled a bird's nest, the tangled hair sticking up in all directions. Even her clothes were crumpled and creased, their condition displaying the amount of time Ally had spent locked up in this room the past week. She no longer looked like the strong, independent gang leader's sister that she had carefully molded herself into, she now resembled the fearful fifteen year old girl that she had thought she'd left behind so many years ago.

Hating the reflection before her, Ally curled her hand into a fist at her side before swinging it at the mirror with the force of all her anger behind her blow. Her knuckles connected with the polished glass of the mirror, the fragile glass cracking upon impact. Shards embedding themselves into the broken skin of her knuckles and fell down onto the back of the sink to land on the floor. Ally cussed aloud, reeling her hand back as the pain sliced through the nerves lining her fingers and raced up the veins that ran along the length of her arm.

The door burst open then, the two guards that had been posted outside of her door pouring into the room. Their guns were held at the ready as they inspected the entire room before their gazes settled on the broken mirror and their stances relaxed considerably.

"Are you okay?" the one asked, his eyes locked on her bloody knuckles.

I'm fine," she snapped back, his kindly spoken words doing nothing to ease her temper.

They shared a look, warily taking a step back. "Well, we'll be outside if you need us." Even after the irritable tone Ally had thrown back at them, the words were still calm and considerate. Regret welled up in her chest as they retreated through the small doorway and pulled the door shut behind them.

"I'm sorry," she whispered to the closed door, no longer sure if she was apologizing to the guards for her attitude or to Kyle and her brother for betraying them.

Tears she had thought to be used up began to drip down her cheeks once again as she thought of the last time she had seen her brother and the last day she had truly seen Kyle, the day when she had shattered his heart in her careless hands. Unconsciously, her eyes moved back to the pen and small blue tablet of stationery that had been placed on the stand beside the bed.

Hesitantly picking them up, Ally bit down on her lip and grasped the pen between her shaky fingers as she gently sat down on the edge of the bed. She slowly moved the pen to the paper, her strokes uncertain even as she attempted to write the words she knew in her heart she would forever regret not communicating if she ignored them.

Kyle,

I know that I'm probably the last person you want to hear from right now, but I just couldn't bear to leave you thinking that you didn't mean anything to me. Maybe this is selfish, knowing that this might rip open fresh scabs over wounds you were trying to forget, but I have to tell you the truth. Everything I said to you that day was true, but the way you interpreted it was wrong; the way I meant for you to interpret it was wrong. I wanted you to think you meant nothing to me because I was too scared to let you in but honestly, you mean the world to me. When I said that you didn't know what had happened all those years I was gone, I knew that I would never actually tell you. What I went through led me to believe it was better not to get close to anyone or anything because then you had nothing you could lose, nothing that could be taken away from you. Then, you came back into my life and you were breaking down my walls without even realizing it. That day, I said that I was in love with someone and could never love you the way you deserved or be the girlfriend that you wanted. I was being honest with you, I'm broken. It wouldn't be fair to you to be tied down by someone who could never trust you, never kiss you senseless in a crowd without worrying about everyone around us like I used to. You deserve so much better than me but I knew that you wouldn't have given up if you had known the true reasons for why I pushed you away. Surely letting you go was less painful than watching myself slowly lose you because I couldn't be what you remembered and needed. Because the truth is, when I said that I was in love with someone, I never said that it was 'someone else'. I was in love with you. Where I went wrong was thinking that I could make my heart quit loving you.

Love,

Ally

Looking down at the letter in her hands then, Ally traced the tear stains that marred the flimsy paper and the way that the blue ink ran slightly under the spheres of moisture. Reviewing the words that she had poured out onto the paper, she felt apprehension claw at her. Suddenly looking at her heart so blatantly spilled onto paper, Ally was scared. Even when they had been dating, she had never actually told him that she loved him. Sure, she had realized that she was in love with him at some point during their relationship but as a fifteen year old girl, she was unsure of what love really was and didn't want to say anything to him if I wasn't a hundred percent certain. She never had just worn her heart on her sleeve and the vulnerability this confession would leave her with honestly terrified her.

Ally crumpled the paper in her hands and threw it across the room in frustration, the fear inside of her overriding the need to let the man she loved know how she truly felt.

Salty tears streaked down her face as she collapsed onto the bed. Ally hastily grabbed the remote from the stand and turned on the TV, needing something to distract her. Using one hand to surf through the various channels that the hotel provided, she used her other arm to wipe the tears onto her sleeve. She pulled her knees up to her chest and relaxed against the headboard, taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself.

A news report came up on the screen and she was about to hit the button to simply skip to the next channel when the words of the young, blonde reporter registered in her mind. Her breathing stopped.

"Breaking news has just arrived here at the station. We've been informed that James Carter, the former leader of the gang Black Death has pled guilty to all charges at this arraignment earlier this afternoon. I have also been notified that he is scheduled for death by lethal injection only this Saturday."

The reporter then faded into black and was replaced by footage of the trial itself, displaying her brother clothed in a bright orange jumpsuit as he was guided by a police officer around the mass media pointing cameras in his face and demanding he answer their questions. Ally dropped the remote in shock, her hand flying to cover her mouth as she choked on a sob.

Because of her actions, her brother, her own flesh and blood, was going to be killed and there was nothing she could do to stop it.