Gangs Aren't My Style (A Black Death Novel)

Chapter 64 - Hold Onto Me or Let Me Go

Gangs Aren't My Style

Book I of the Black Death Trilogy

PART FOUR :: Leave The Front Line Behind

Chapter 64 - Hold Onto Me Or Let Me Go

Ally stood up from her bed, her legs weak from their lack of use during the past week, and make her way to her bathroom. Leaning against the counter, she took in her swollen cheeks and red-rimmed eyes which were currently showcasing bags under them. Sighing, Ally turned on the water and splashed it up onto her face in hopes of reducing the obvious puffiness.

In the past week, she had mostly spent her time locked up in her room. After running into Kyle in the hallways more than once, she had retreated into the safety of her own room, where she knew he wouldn't dare enter again. Every time she saw him with his bandaged knuckles, knowing that it was her fault he'd hurt them, she felt remorse bubbling up in her chest. Every time she saw him put aside his broken and defeated expression in attempts to talk to her, Ally wanted to jump into his arms and beg him to forgive her; no matter how much she wasn't worthy of him and could never be with him without remembering what had happened. She wanted to go day by day and let him help her move past the memories, but he didn't deserve the burden that would come with that. And she was unsure if moving past them was even a plausible outcome.

Ally looked up into her own eyes, seeing all of the pain and confusion there. There were so many reasons why she couldn't be with Kyle, and so many reasons why she wanted to, that she was left not knowing what to do. Nothing was clear anymore and she didn't know which weighed heavier on her heart. Would she be happier free, without anyone to hold her down, or with the man that she loved? Was she willing to take the chance of letting him in with the hopes that she might be able to move on? Would Kyle remain by her even when she couldn't be the carefree girl she used to be, always pulling back as memories assaulted her?

She knew only one thing for certain, she couldn't let Kyle keep wondering. She had to either let him in or push him away forever, to the point where he wouldn't continue to try to win her over. Ally couldn't keep giving him mixed signals because, although he tried to keep it hidden, she knew that each time she broke his heart all over again. What never ceased to amaze her was that no matter how many times it happened, he always tried again.

Ally threw her hair up in a quick bun, knowing that she needed to get out of her room before it suffocated her. She couldn't just wallow away in self pity, hiding away forever. This was her life and she needed to face it.

Taking a deep breath, Ally squared her shoulders against the world. Walking out of the room, she breathed in the fresh air. So used to the stale air that had slowly invaded her lungs, Ally hadn't realized how much she missed being outside of her cramped little room.

Unexpectedly, a misplaced breeze caressed her cheek before slipping down the hall. Curious, she followed the slight draft through the hallways until she finally saw the image of bright sunlight spilling over onto the floor from outside, obvious in the dim lighting of that particular hallway. Rounding the corner, her smile immediately fell as she took in a sharp breath, stepping back in a daze.

Kyle stood at the door, watching as a man unloaded a truck seemingly filled with supplies and stacked the boxes in a neat pyramid beside the door. The light rays bent around him, the contrast making his back look dark against the halo of light enclosing him. His broad shoulders took up almost the entire doorway as he leaned against the door to keep it from closing and his hair was slightly ruffling in the wind.

Panic raced through Ally as he told the man, "Thanks, see you next month," and reality came back to her in a rush. Her breath was catching in her throat as another step took her back far enough to hit the wall. Of everyone it could've been, why him?

Ally spun on her heel, not pausing to see his reaction, and quickly began to walk away from him with large strides. Please don't have seen me, please don't have seen me, she thought desperately.

"Ally!" he yelled, his voice cutting through the air. Kyle's footsteps grew closer and the sound of a door closing emitted from further away. As the light disappeared, Ally knew it was time. It was either the beginning of a relationship or the end, and she knew well which one she had to pick. For both of their sakes.

Even so, the familiar feeling of fear settled in her stomach at the thought and Ally listened in her moment of weakness. "I can't do this," she whispered, closing her eyes tightly and taking several steps forward in an attempt to avoid the situation yet again.

His voice rang out through the hallway, freezing her in her tracks. "Why are you being like this?" Kyle yelled, remaining back, whether to give her space so that she didn't bolt or because in some weird way, he hoped staying back would guard his heart, Ally wasn't sure.

"Why are you doing this?" Ally asked him back in a near whisper, not turning around. "Why, after everything I've put you through, do you still try to get me back?"

"Because I love you and... I just keep wishing I could find a way to show you don't have to walk down this path alone."

Tears gathered on her eyelashes and Ally closed her eyes, willing herself not to cry. "I just can't afford to think like that. If you don't have anything you care about, then you have nothing left to lose."

"You can't really believe that," Kyle pleased hopelessly, knowing her mind was made up, but trying anyway.

"More happened while I was gone than you'll ever know." She took a large breath of air, trying to piece back together the walls he didn't even know he was tearing down. Ally knew what she had to do as well as that he would not want anything to do with her after it.

"Then tell me what happened and I can help you. Tell me why we can't be together!"

Ally twirled on her heels, looking straight into the eyes that she loved so much. "I'm in love with someone, okay! I could never be what you needed! I can't love you the way you deserve and things between us could never be like they were before!"

The hurt and betrayal in his gaze almost flattened her to the floor but she knew she couldn't back down. She knew he couldn't detect a lie in the words she was speaking because they were true, every last one of them. The only thing he wouldn't pick up was that they were all twisted, worded in a way that he'd never know the true meaning lying hidden behind the surface. Ally did love someone, but it wasn't someone else. She loved the man standing before her with his slightly-longer-than-normal hair and sapphire blue eyes shining with unshed tears that she knew he would never let out; not in front of anyone, and especially not in front of her after everything she had put him through and led him to believe. She loved Kyle Mitchell and she knew that if he asked her one certain little question, her whole act would crumble into stones.

"I was young and naïve, not knowing what the world was like. Now I do." Ally's voice was almost a whisper, as if sheet of glass that was about to crack under the pressure.

He was quiet for a while, his breathing the only sound filling the hallway. Would he ask her if she loved him? And more importantly, did she want him to? Did she want him to see through her facade?

"I don't think we can we friends anymore."

Even though this was what she had intended when beginning the conversation, hearing him say the words hurt more than anything. It was like a knife was going straight through her heart and she was the one driving it.

Nodding shakily, Ally turned around quickly and walked away unsteadily through a film of tears that clouded her vision. Kyle was gone, and he wasn't coming back to her; not this time. She had lost the only man she had ever loved while trying to protect him.

She had played her cards, purposely threw her winning hand, and lost.

However, she was not yet finished. Tomorrow was a new day -a new round was only just beginning, this time concerning much more than just a relationship, and she was determined to leave with no less than a checkmate.