I sit next to Kylian's sister as we park the boat in a quiet spot to watch the sunset.
Kyliansits on thefront of the boat as his nephew climbs onto his shoulders. Their laughter echos.
The biggest smile erupts on my face.
"I can't wait till one day we get to have a perfect family like yours," I say. "Getting baby fever?" She asks. "Only a little. It goes away when I remember that we live on different continents," I say. "I can't imagine how difficult doing long distance is," she says. "That's actually what Iwanted to talk to you about," I say, "I wanted to get your input on me possibly moving to France." "Really? I think Ky would love that," she says excitedly. "I was thinking of writing the European board exam, so I can look for work in Paris, and solve the whole living in different countries problem," I say. "I'm rooting for you two," he says giving me a warm smile. ____________ It's a sunny Melbourne afternoon. I've got a smile on my face knowing it's the weekend and I've got 2 whole days ahead of me to do whatever my heart pleases.
I pop in my earphones and put my Playlist on shuffle. An upbeat song plays. It's moments like this where I realize how far I've come. And how for the first time in months, I feel okay. I don't feel a paralyzing fear that I'm one Instagram post of him away from breaking down into tears.
I'm walking back to my apartment when I see a familiar face that stops me right in my tracks.
"What are you doing here Ky?" I ask walking closer. "I came here to apologize," he says standing up. "I've got nothing to say to you," I say. "But I do. Ple-," "Save it. I don't want to hear it. You can't show up at my door step three months later and expect me to care about what you have to say," I say. "Can I please just have 5 minutes, I promise after that you never have to see my face ever again," he pleads.
I roll my eyes and groan.
"You know what no. You don't even deserve 5 minutes of my time. Nope, not after wasting 3 years of my life," I say. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done what I did, and I shouldn't have waited 3 months to apologize to you in person," he says. "See that's the problem, you don't even know what you did wrong," I say with a laugh, "do you know what an idiot I felt like when I asked your sister about moving to Paris and she thought it was a great idea. Then I go through all the admin of booking an exam date and flights. Then a week later to be on the bus to work and see dozens of pictures on Instagram of you on a yacht in Ibiza with all your model friends." "I promise you nothing happened that weekend. I swear," he says. "Again, your lack of self awareness is at the root of the problem. Regardless of whether anything happened that week. It's all about you lying to me about where you were that weekend," I say. "I didn't lie," he defends himself. "Well tell that to the text messages of you telling me you just got back from training," I say sarcastically. "I know how bad it looks, and I truely am sorry about what I did. It's just life back there was getting lonely without you and I needed a weekend of fun just to forget about how much I missed you," he says. "Oh great, so it's my fault that you cheated," I say. "I didn't mean it like that" he says. "You know what? In hindsight, I'm happy that it happened. I'm happy that I didn't go through with my board exam and end up alone in Europe. I'm happy that your actions had me crying in my work bathroom, because it led me here. I hate to break it to you, but I'm happier now," I say. "So we just throw away 3 years of long distance?" He asks. "Not we, you threw away 3 years of long distance. And in some weird way, I thank you for that," I say. "And there's nothing I can say to change your mind?" He asks. "No, why would I go back to long distance, social media being on my case 24/7, facetiming you at weird hours of the morning? If anything we were doomed from the start. Part of me feels like we both spent 3 years helplessly trying to convince ourselves that we were happy," I say. "But we were happy, I was happy," he says. "So happy with me that you found a model as my replacement for the weekend," I laugh, "I'm over it and I think you should get over it too." "So this is it then?" He asks. "I like to believe that everything happens for a reason. We just weren't right for each other," I say shrugging shoulders. "For what it's worth, I really am sorry," he says. "Thanks, and I guess thanks for the past 3 years, they weren't all terrible," I say with a smile, "I do think you should get going."
I walk closer to my apartment entrance as he walks away. I let out a deep breathe as the realization of what just happens comes over me.
3 months ago, I probably would've ran back into his arms and held onto what, in hindsight, was a relationship where I had to sacrifice everything. But today, I'm happy that I stood my ground. I chose me, and what makes me happy: Aussie sunny afternoons, listening to Mitch James on my walk home. To quote the lyric man himself - Holding on is the worst of all the ways to say goodbye.
