Marco Reus 🇩🇪German National Team 💛🖤Borussia Dortmund
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Its been six months since I last saw Victoria. I miss her a lot. I miss her witty sense of humour and how she tries to hide her snort when she laughs. I miss how her body perfectly fits in my arms and how she loves the feeling of my stubble against her cheek. I miss wanting to protect her. I miss wanting to impress her.
We talk often, she says everything is okay back home in London. But part of me feels that even if it weren't, I'd be too far away to change anything.
She also tells me that everything has changed. Apparently she cut her hair and dyed her tips blonde. I'm sure she looks as beautiful as the day I met her. She says she stopped drinking her coffee with milk. She says she found a new love for German rap and can spit a few rhymes.
But all this doesn't take away from the fact that I'm terrified of losing her. I can't bear the thought of never seeing or speaking to her again. I can barely remember how I spent 26 years without her, let alone the last six months.
Being apart from her is brutal. I lie awake at night with the other half of my bed cold and empty, thinking about her. It kills me thinking that she's on her own, when she belongs in my arms, safe from anything that could hurt her. Those nights where I wish I was back home next to her, because home isn't Dortmund, home is wherever she is. Wherever I get to hold her and love her in the way that she deserves. Home is where I get to see her everyday, where I get to hold her without fearing that it could be my last before I jet back to Dortmund.
But I can't deny that everyday I spend away from her is another way in which I feel further away from her. When all I want is to be next to her, where I belong. Not only do I feel further away from her, but I feel further away from the person I am around her, the person that I like being.
When we talk the only thing I manage to say is 'I haven't seen your face in ages' she smiles, and it's good enough to cover up that we both feel as close as strangers. It isn't hard to believe when she lives exactly 523KM away from me. She must feel the undeniable distance finding it's way between us. But she smiles that beautiful smile, and suddenly every problem on this earth ceases to nothing, because as long as she smiles there's still beauty left in the world, and that's good enough to live for.
I'd call her late at night after a game just because she's the only one that I want to tell. She's the only one that I want to celebrate my successes with and learn from my defeats with. She loves hearing about matches almost as much as I love her.
She'd listen to all my stories, but her tired yawn would remind me that another time zone had taken her away from me again, that she wasn't mine but GMT ± 0's. I couldn't share my stories of me beneath blinding stadium lights because all it was, was a reminder that we were running out of time, out of distance. But I know that after everything, I'll be waiting for her. Ready with my arms open wide with no hesitation, knowing that I'd never leave, for as long as I had her.
But that was selfish of me because I can hear that on the phone, she wants to move on. And she should be able to live her best life, without being bound to me or the 523KMs that separate us. Maybe she deserves someone better, someone that could drive to her place at 1AM to be with her, to comfort her through more than just a cellphone screen. She deserves the world and someone half way around the world can't provide that for her, as much as I wish I could.
Her tears haunt me, reminding me that I shouldn't have gone. I shouldn't have left her at that airport with tears streaming down her face, with nothing but my sweater and bracelet to remind her of me. I shouldn't have let her leave that day at the casino. I shouldn't have to be so far away from someone that I love. It's not fair on her, the most beautiful person I've ever had the privilege of loving.
Everyday apart from her gets harder than the 24 hours before. I can't help but question if we're wasting time. If loving someone miles away will ever work, if we're making the right decision to continue making it work. Is it selfish for me to love someone that still has the rest of their life ahead of them, filled with lessons and triumphs.
But I'm determined to not give up, to keep on bettering myself, so that I can be a fraction of the great person she is. I want to make her proud. I want to show her that being miles away means nothing when the love I have for her can cover the distance with some to spare. I want to be the reason she smiles, and the reason she gets up everyday, like she is for me. I want to be her everything.
I zip the lid on my suitcase. It's been six months since I last saw Victoria. And yeah, everything has changed. But tomorrow I'll be coming back to her, back to the person who holds my heart, back to the love of my life. And I sincerely can't wait
I swear, I haven't forgotten about my request🙈 This has just been a draft for a while
