You told me not to cry when you're gone - Sam Smith
JoshuaKimmich 🇩🇪GermanNationalTeam 🔴BayernMunich
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I sit on the balcony over looking the Munich skyline. For the past few weeks, beer and training has been enough to make me forget about possibly the worst month of my life. I never knew that losing someone would hurt as much as it does right now.
For the first time in weeks, I'm alone, leaving me time to think about the last time I saw her, the first time I lost the love of my life.
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Ivy lays on the hospital bed with a misplaced smile on her face.
"What's with the sad face Joshi?" she asks taking hold of my hand. "What's with your smiling face?" I ask back. "The end is inevitable, I might as well leave here with a smile on my face." she says. "How am I supposed to go on without you?" I ask feeling the tears well up in my eyes. "Just like you went on before me," she says. "It's just unfair that it happened to you," I say. "There was just one too many sarcastic assholes in Munich, one of us had to leave," she says with a chuckle. "You don't seem too sad to be going," I say. "I am sad, I think why did it have to be my kidneys that decided to stop working, why did it have to be my organs that give up. I wish it weren't me. I wish that I got to see our wedding day. I wish that I got to see the day we had kids, but I don't have that luxury, so here I am enjoying my last few hours in a shitty hospital room with the love of my life," she says.
The second she mentions our wedding day, I can't help but burst out into tears. I bury my head into her frail chest as my body shakes with every tear that falls.
"Hey, look at me," she says lifting my head, "I don't want you to cry when I'm gone, okay." "How can you ask me to do such. You're the only person I've ever loved and you're telling me to just forget about you," I say. "I know it sounds impossible, but you will eventually get over this and I don't want you to be sad forever, that you never live your life," she says. "But I don't want to be here if I can't be with you," I say. "Joshua Walter Kimmich, I will always love you, but my future has already been laid out before me, but you, you still have your whole life to live. I want you to fall in love again with a nice Bavarian girl. I want you to get married in Italy like you've always wanted. I want you to visit all the places we had on our bucket list, but most of all, I want you to live your best life. I may not be there to do it with you, but you still have time," she says with tears in her eyes.
She hasn't cried the whole time and now I'm starting to realize that she has been trying to be strong for me. I get up from my chair to lay down next to her. She rests her head on my chest and it breaks my heart to feel her pain.
"I promise to take care of you," I say kissing the top of her head. "Promise me you'll take care of yourself first," she says lifting her head up, exposing her red tear-filled eyes. "I promise," I say wiping a tear from her cheek. "Can I ask one last favour?" she asks. "Any thing." I reply. "I know it's gonna sound stupid, but, on our wedding day, can you gather our families and drink a beer together," she says with a sad smile on her face. "I will, and we're gonna listen to your Latin music and I'm gonna wear my wedding suit and I'm going to think about how lucky I was to have met you," I say. "Sounds like a plan Joshi," she says with chuckle, "I think I'm ready now knowing that you'll be fine without me." "Ivy Celine Van Mieghem- Kimmich, I love you," I say kissing her for the last time.
She's gone now. I'll never see her beautiful smile again, but I know that one day I will be where I was months ago, right next to her.
I can't deny the pain that I've been holding up inside of me for the past few weeks, but the tears that fall from my face tell their own story.
The feeling of losing the love of your life is overwhelming, but I know that she wouldn't want me to be sad. She would want me to carry on with my life, but today I will sit on my balcony with a beer thinking about her. But tomorrow, I'm determined to make her proud. Tomorrow I leave for Italy, for what would've been our wedding, but I refuse to be sad, I'm there to celebrate the greatest person I had the honor of loving.
