i hate algebra.
our stupid teacher gives us tons of homework every single day, school just started and she's already shoving pages and pages down our throats. i didn't do mine thursday so i had extra work to do over the weekend. i got up early this morning to start so i didn't have to work on it tonight, and i was in the middle of my second packet around 9:30 when my telephone started ringing from the corner of my desk.
i pick my phone up and place it over my ear, dropping my pencil.
-"hello?" i called.
-"mike, its el." my girlfriend shared.
-"oh, hey el. whats up?" i respond, wondering why she was calling so early.
-"we should talk."
uh oh.
-"um, okay.. what about?" i muttered nervously, she didn't sound very happy.
-"why didn't you tell me you were coming over last night..?" she asked, seeming confused.
-"because.. you were out and i had nothing else to do." i answered suspiciously.
-"i could've canceled and hung out with you if you didn't have anything to do." she countered.
-"what? no! don't you think we spent a bunch of time together? besides.. wills my friend."
-"no, id rather spend time with you! and he's my brother." she hissed.
-"why are you so mad? you know will is my best friend! i never hang out with him anymore." i insisted.
-"you still should've let me know you were going to be there." she stated, sounding upset.
-"i shouldn't have to tell you every time i want to hang out with my friends, el! why are you being so protective?" i snapped, getting pissed at how she was treating me.
-"i'm not! it just would've been nice to know." she defended with a higher pitched, sad voice.
-"whatever.. i'll see you later." i scoffed, hanging up the phone.
god, what is up with her?
why can't i do anything anymore without her having to monitor me? she acts like i'm going to run away from her or something and she always has to know what i'm doing.
things feel so different between us, they have been for a while.
i feel like i'm losing my feelings for her, but at the same time i need her. i care for her so much, but i don't know if it's the way i hoped.
what am i saying?
i love el, and i always will.
im going to see her later, lucas, max, el and i were all going to the mall together. we would've invited dustin and will but dustin's girlfriend is all the way in utah and will.. i don't really know wills relationship status.
i remember el sending me a note saying he thinks he likes someone and that he was painting something for her.. i wonder who she is? i wonder what the painting is. maybe i could ask him next time i see him?
i sat there, now not being able to focus on my homework.
i looked over at a picture frame standing up at my desk, it was picture from halloween night. will, dustin, lucas and i holding up our proton blasters, smiling. i never smile in photos, but this was a fun night. at least, at first it was. i love having my friends, and i miss this time in my life. where everything was happier, will and i were closer. sure, things were happening with the upside down but will and i were best friends. it's just not the same anymore.
i felt this wave of emotion come over me, making me feel sad and angry all at the same time.
my telephone ringing made me jump in fear from the unexpected sound.
i groan, annoyed while picking up the phone.
-"hello?" i answered with a tone.
-"hello! would we like to interest you in-"
i hung up the phone, not wanting to hear another word from the telemarketer.
i sighed, shaking my negative feelings off and tried to finish my homework.
_
going out with my friends, i wore a light yellow tee shirt with a dull red jacket and some light washed denim jeans. i knew el liked this jacket, that's why i wore it, i hoped she wasn't still mad about our conversation earlier.. she seemed a little quiet when i picked her up on my bike at her house.
when we stopped next to the mall, we saw a bright red ford mustang pull up in front of us.
it shocked us both when lucas and max stepped out, them giggling at our expression.
-"you got a car?" el chuckled in shock.
-"since when did you have a license, lucas?" i asked, circling the car to take a look.
-"yesterday, it was a gift from my dad since i passed my test." he smiled in pride.
-"mike failed his test." el mocked me, standing closer to me.
-"of course he did." max snickered, tucking her hair behind her ears.
-"shut up, max!" i giggled in embarrassment as we all started walking inside together and started to head towards scoops ahoy where we saw robin still working the counter.
the mall had reopened and been remodeled since last summer, and they just recently had their grand reopening so the mall was still packed.
once it was our turn in line, we ordered our ice cream.
el got vanilla, max got strawberry, lucas and i both got peppermint stick.
we sat at a booth together and i wrapped my arm around els shoulder as we hung out.
i guess this was considered a date, just with another couple. like a double date? surprisingly, el wasn't acting weird. maybe shes over it? or maybe it's because max is here. i don't know, i should just stop thinking about it.
-"do you guys remember when el thought that max and mike were a thing?" lucas chuckled.
-"ew, gross." both max and i groaned, looking at each other.
-"yeah and el hated me for like.. ever." max giggled, looking across at my girlfriend.
el laid her head on my shoulder as we started to finish up our ice cream.
-"hey, do you guys want to sneak into the movies?" i asked, while we were starting to stand from our table.
-"no need to sneak in anymore..." he emphasized, staring to jog ahead, locking arms with max.
i was confused on why they were walking towards the front of the theater and stood in the back of the short ticket line.
-"what are we doing? we don't have tickets!" i whispered-yelled as we were up in line.
as the people in front of us left, i saw a familiar face at the counter.
will??
what was will doing working here?
-"sorry, no ticket.. no admission." he sighed, crossing his arms.
lucas and max looked at each other, confused and looked a little betrayed.
-"just kidding, go on in." he giggled, before seeing el and i behind them.
-"will? since when did you work here?" i ask, a little shocked.
-"i got the job almost two weeks ago." he chuckled awkwardly, looking almost disappointed to see me.
-"you didn't know he worked here?" lucas asked.
-"no, why didn't you say anything?" i ask him, tilting my head.
-"i don't know..you never really asked." he mumbled, slowly looking down at his feet.
why was he acting so weird?
he always did this when el and i were together.
-"c'mon, let's go guys." lucas waved at us to follow him, before el and i started walking away with our hands locked together.
i looked back at will, his back was now turned away from the counter and towards the back wall.
what's wrong with him?
{WILLS POV}
as lucas and max moved to the side, i saw eleven and mike in line with them, holding hands and standing extremely close together.
seeing them made me feel like there was a lump in my throat and made my stomach drop.
i hated seeing them together.
seeing them just reminded me of something i hated.
el has everything i want.
everything that i can't have.
because it's wrong.
i threw a fake smile on my face after realizing my smile had faded when i saw them.
-"will? since when did you work here?" he asked, smiling softly and squinting his eyes.
-"i got the job almost two weeks ago." i chuckled nervously, trying not to make eye contact with him.
-"you didn't know he worked here?" lucas asked.
-"no, why didn't you say anything?" he ask me, shaking his head ever so slightly.
-"i don't know.. you never really asked." i mumbled, trying my best to look away from them.
god, i can't stand to see them together.
please leave.
when i look up, they better be gone.
i hate getting this feeling when seeing them together. i should be happy for them, hes my best friend and she's like a sister to me. they're both like my family. but i can't help what i feel..
i hate myself for thinking like this.. but i wish that was me.
i wish that people wouldnt judge me for liking someone i shouldnt.
people make me feel so different because of it.. but i'm still human. i'm still me.
when i looked up from the floor, they were walking away already.
i turned my back towards the counter and pressed my back against it, closing my eyes and trying to get rid of the overwhelming feeling of emotion.
god, fuck this.
mike is my best friend.
i just hope this is just puberty hitting me, i don't really like mike.
what am i saying?
i love mike..
i cant even hide it from myself anymore.. i've been in love with him for so long it's tearing me into pieces and i can't tell anyone because i could ruin everything if i say something. i cant even talk to jonathan anymore, he's always either stoned or dealing with his bullshit problems and my mom.. i don't know if i would want to talk to my mom about this. i know she's always suspected me of being.. you know. of my feelings. my dad really opened her eyes about that, and mine. i didn't even know if i was or not until he reminded me.
i cant talk to el because that's her boyfriend and she probably doesn't even know the meaning of the word gay because shes just learning everything about being a regular human being. this is all just so much stress on me, i wish i had someone to talk to. somebody that understood me, but who? nobody else knows what i go through.. everyone i know is normal.
im different and i'm always going to be.
hopefully someday ill find someone to understand me.
some day.
{MIKES POV}
will wasn't at the desk when we left, which i figured he just went home or something.
the entire ride home with el and i was quiet and awkward, her arms were hooked around my waist the entire bike ride and we were in silence.
how could she be upset? she wasn't upset at scoops or at the movies! she was acting like everything was okay, what is it now?
once i stopped outside the byers and hoppers house, i let her get off before i got off after her, she looked a little bothered.
-"whats wrong?" i ask, looking down at her.
-"do you love me?" she asked, looking down to the floor.
fuck me.
-"what?" i shook my head, trying to get more context.
-"it seems like our relationship has changed ever since i left for california.. we aren't as close anymore. i don't want to be in a relationship that's not real.. do you love me or not?" she asked, finally looking up at me.
shit, what do i say?
she just said she doesn't want to be in a relationship if i don't love her.
do i love her?
like, really love her? like that?
of course i do, what am i thinking?
-"yes, i do love you." i admitted, taking in a deep breath.
-"do you promise?" she whispered, making me feel like my heart was just shattered into pieces.
-"promise." i nodded, feeling a negative vibe from all of this.
she smiled, pulling me into her lips and kissing me for a few moments, she waved once she pulled away and started jogging up to her front door.
the bike ride home was vague. i was too distracted by my thoughts to focus on my surroundings.
i really love el, i know i do! but she's right.. things aren't the same.
did my feelings change?
something clicked when she moved away.
something in my mind clicked and it changed everything.
it feels like my interest in el has been slowly stepping down lower and lower..
she's slipping away from me.
but why?
she's eleven!
she's a superhero.
she's one of the coolest people i've met.
i want to believe im in love with her..
but there's something in the back of my mind telling me otherwise.
why cant i just be normal?
i hate love.
