-"¡callarse la boca!" -"Hazme."

SunWon: curve your little spine(and i'll make your secrets mine)

It's unbearable, fucking unbearable.

Jungwon is twisting and turning, taking sharp breaths through his nose in an attempt to calm himself down, but he can't. He has tried everything, but it's no use. His heart is hammering against his chest, a constant loud thud that continues to render him breathless as he brings up his arm to cover his eyes and let out a shuddered exhale. Fuck.

Not again, he thinks. Please please please, not again.

It's painful—both physically and emotionally—and the pain he feels from both wanting to give in and wanting to force an end to it tears him apart, right through the middle. With his arm still resting over his eyes as if to hide himself, he lets himself feel it , hand snaking down his torso to hover over his crotch. He hesitates for a few seconds, gulping loudly and ending the gulp in a shaky sigh as he lets his hand fall over his crotch. He's so hard it surprises him.

The moment he experiences stimulation, even just barely, his back arches off the bed and he feels as if he's just committed a crime. "Shit—" he breathes out, palming his hard cock over his pretty pajama pants, tracing the outline through the fabric and rubbing circles into his tip with his index finger. He can't take it, physically can't contain himself, and he starts thrashing around after a few mere seconds. Instinctively, he rushes to bite into the bedsheet that is covering half of his body, whining into it and opening his eyes to be greeted with pure darkness.

He's ashamed, and there's a lot he doesn't understand. Jungwon wouldn't torment himself for getting hard in the middle of the night when all the boys are asleep, wouldn't judge himself for wanting to get up and touch himself in the bathroom to relieve some stress—all of that is normal, after all. What he doesn't consider normal, however, and the reason why Jungwon can't touch himself without acting like his skin just got seared, is why it happens.

They say no evil dooms us like the one we love, and desire to continue in, and make no effort to escape from. Jungwon knows this is true, and he hates himself for it.

He's not sure how many times it's happened, but he knows it's frequent at this point. It's difficult looking into the eyes of the older members, knowing they're the reason why some nights he's restless, heavily explicit and embarrassing thoughts taking over in seconds. They're wild and untameable, and in a few breaths he's so hard it hurts—he tries to think of something else, shake it off, go to sleep—nothing works. He feels as if tears will inevitably roll down his cheeks every time he's left with no choice but to force himself off his bed to painfully waddle into their bathroom at unfathomable hours of the night, work his cock for a long time until he's cumming a ridiculous amount into the toilet, sometimes spilling over the ceramic or the wall or the floor from how badly he's been craving release.

As his pretty hands work himself to satisfaction, it's thoughts about Heeseung and Jay and Sunghoon and Jake that are racing through his mind. They're impossible to control—he's getting bent over, he's getting spanked and forced to count, he's got a mouth full of cock, he's got two pairs of lips kissing over his leaking tip, he's getting fucked into his own bed until he can't speak and his body goes lax—it goes on and on and on until he explodes all over himself and his hands sometimes, unable to help the shaking and tears that come with the feeling of dread that washes over him after he's done.

Sometimes he'll catch himself thinking about Sunoo too, how ridiculously soft and pretty he is, and he once came all over his own stomach while imagining Sunoo pulling his hoodie up to his chest and bending over, cheek pressed against the bed or a table or the kitchen counter, it didn't matter. It's embarrassing to Jungwon, especially because he and Sunoo are almost the same age and good friends, but he can't help it.

He's the leader and can't control it, and Jungwon hates feeling like things are out of his control. He can't help getting off to them, can't help hating himself over it afterwards, can't bear that he has nobody to tell.