Arranged love - jaylor AU

deep feelings

- joes pov - 

Last night was both confusing and solidifying. we almost evolved our relationship into intimacy, but it's okay that she wasn't ready for it. She initiated it, and I was surprised since she just had a nightmare, but I wasn't opposed to the idea. I've been wanting to take things at her speed because this whole thing between us is delicate, so I was willing to do it last night. I know I was confused when she stopped and ran away, but at the same time I think it was good that she took the choice herself that she wasn't ready. If she pushed herself and did it when she wasn't ready, I would feel bad about it. There is so much more to what we have than sex, a relationship is about more than that. Sure its enjoyable and adds another depth to a relationship, but it's not the most important thing. 

The solidifying thing last night is my feelings for her. It terrifies me but I've come to realize that I love that woman with my whole body and soul. Having her in my life makes everything better, she makes my days brighter and gives me meaning. I've never felt like this about another person before, not even Bianca who I thought was my one and only, this is something deeper and more passionate. I want all of her all the time; I want to hold her, and I want to see that smile on her face and get to know every single thing there is to know about her. Nothing about her is too boring to know. 

But the fact that my feelings are so strong terrifies me because I'm scared that she doesn't feel the same way or will reject me. We have been making slow steps in the real relationship department, not the fake marriage, and I don't know how deep her feelings are for me. Obviously she feels something, at least I think she does, but I don't know how deep it runs for her.

I'm also a little scared that she is doing it out of obligation, like she feels she is supposed to be with me in this way but doesn't actually feel the way I do. Bianca had me fooled and wrapped around her finger, and I never want to go through that again. When Bianca betrayed me, it made me stop believing in love, but Taylor opened my eyes again and the world is more colorful now, not the gray I've been used to for years now. My feelings for Taylor makes the world turn into screaming colors and leaves me wanting to really share my life with someone. 

Knowing that I'm in love with the woman sharing a bed with me makes me vulnerable, because it means that she has the power to break my heart into a million shattered pieces, but she also has the possibility to warm my heart and make it whole again. Giving my love to her can crash and burn, or it could add to my life in ways I can't imagine.

If the rejects me, if she doesn't feel like I do, I don't know what I will do. Living with her when I know I love her, but she doesn't love me back would be painful. But I want to tell her how I feel. It could go terribly wrong, but it could also lead to something amazing. 

She could also panic when I tell her, I won't be surprised if she does because she has experienced a lot of hurt in her life. She doesn't talk about it, but I know that real love isn't something she has experienced. Lillys dad broke her heart and made her stop believing in love, and Adam made her associate love with pain. I want to wipe her idea of love away and show her that love can be good, love is gentle and passionate. Love isn't supposed to hurt you or break you down. Love can make you stronger and get a new look at life. 

Before Taylor and I started to get along, before her presence in my life fascinated me, I believed that love was stupid and a hinder in life. Turns out that loves don't make you weak, love doesn't come in the way of being passionate about other things. I'm passionate about my job, I'm confident in myself, but I still love her. It doesn't have to make you weak; it can make you stronger. 

Taylor and Lilly are my family, and I never thought I would see the value in that. I want to spend my life with Taylor and Lilly, I want to help raise her and I want to be Taylors equal partner.