Arranged love - jaylor AU

go out with me

- taylors pov - 

Last night was intense in many ways. Seeing girls throwing themself at Joe made me mad and I needed to show everyone that he is my husband not theirs.... That sounds really possessive of me, and I feel so embarrassed that I'm feeling that way. But I am falling for him, and I don't want to see him with anyone else. I could blame it on the no cheating point in our contract, but I know it's more than that. Just the thought of him with some other girl made me want to rip their heads off, I don't want to see him with anyone else and I made that pretty damn clear to those girls. God it was embarrassing how I acted, but at least I think they understood that my husband is off limits. 

Now I just sound like a crazy girlfriend, we aren't even together like that, but I just can't stop feeling this way. Not to mention all the feelings that almost kiss left me with. how gentle he was when he held my jaw and the look in his eyes when our eyes stayed interlocked. Sometimes a look tells more than a thousand words, and that was definitely one of those looks. 

The way he talked about this fictive girl that could melt his stone-cold heart made butterflies flutter in my stomach. I'm hesitant to think that he could be speaking of me, but the look in his eyes give me hope that it might be a two-way thing. But at the same time, who would want to be like that with me. I'm not exactly the easiest person to be around, and my track record with relationships are horrible.

Being with me comes with baggage that I don't know if anyone could truly handle. Sure we have been getting close recently but I'm still holding back as I don't want to mistake his kindness as something more if it's not. For all I know he is just acting this way because he wanted us to look in love in front of everyone in the ballroom, and then getting along with me because we need to work together for this marriage to work. The thought that he might only see me as a friend while I have other feelings for him is scary. 

All of this is so frustrating. I promised myself a long time ago that this was not a situation I ever wanted to be in again, letting myself develop those feelings is a dangerous game that I never seem to play right. The feeling of pain that comes with the good feelings is ingrained in my head like a tattoo I can never erase. I've been in love twice, at least I thought it was love at the time, and it ended in pain that's hard to describe. What they did to me was both physical and emotional, but God I would take the physical pain any day over the horrors that the emotional pain brought me. The emotional pain left scars that isn't visible to the eye, its hidden under my skin so only I can know it's there. It still hurts but no one can see that something was harming me, that something was broken. 

I step into the hot shower and let the water run down my body. By the time I got home last night I was not in the mood to do anything but take my dress off and put on a shirt to sleep. I didn't even take off my makeup, which I know is bad, but I was just so exhausted. We weren't even at the event for that long, but it still made my head spin with so many things that I just needed to rest. The jealously, my parents, the almost kiss, the gentleness of his hand and Adam all at once was a lot to deal with. 

Adam was unexpected to say the least. Why he keeps getting invited to these things I don't know, and I especially don't understand why he keeps coming up to me when I've made it clear that I don't want to be involved with him. He is just one of those people that are used to get what they want whenever they want it, regardless of if that hurts other people or not. i want to escape him and never see him again because every time I see that face, I get taken back in time, but I can't seem to get rid of him. I hoped that after this summer where I didn't hear from him for months he would finally be out of my life, but boy was I wrong. He comes back time and time again, the next time stronger Thant he last time.